A Tiny Island Where Everything is Better

I wish...I wish there was a tiny island where everything is better. If only. How do I prove myself to someone after messing up so badly? How could I let this happen? How could could I convince myself that love like I had wasn't worth it anymore? Now I see, now my eyes have been opened. Now. After all of this. Now that I have completely torn everything down, I want to start rebuilding. I would completely understand though if that is not what he wanted. He deserves so much better than me, yet he is willing to give me another chance. I want to take that chance and run with it, yet I am hesitant because I do not want to break his heart again. Not to mention I have everyone on his side rooting against me. Or so it seems.

It kind of sucks being the bad person in all of this. I wish people would listen. Would understand where I am coming from. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say that for people to understand? Nothing happened. I did nothing. I felt confined so I quit because it got hard. But I learned something from that. People who have loved like this should understand what I am saying and where I am coming from. Love is hard. You make mistakes, but most importantly you do learn from those mistakes.

I guess it will take some serious work to prove my devotion to this. Well, I'm willing to work for it. I'll do whatever it takes as long as everything will be okay in the end. It's not even about me. If he is happier without me then so be it, but if he feels anything like I feel...Like I know he does...Then life just wouldn't be the same without each other in it. Even after breaking up we both knew we hadn't reached the end. Thats how it is...

Or like he literally just said...We are like the sting in hercules. They try to break us and we only get stronger. I'm not giving up. I'll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me.

I said that not getting into Geneseo was a sign from the Lord, but maybe it was a different sign. Through all of this...I've learned that I am supposed to stay here. I might even like it here. Despite all of the drama and wierd people...There are things that I do love about it. Like dance parties, vending machines, warriors (prob. my favorite), my computer, watching movies all weekend rather than partying, random trips to McDonalds, and the list goes on and on...The randomness of college is really amazing. When I look back on this year it may not be my favorite, but I think it will be the year I learned the most. I have learned so much about other people its really intense.

The Lord has been so good to me. So good. He knows life is hard, but will never give us anything we can't handel. One thing I have learned...I can't be someones everything. This might not make sense, but let me elaborate. I'm not strong enough or anything enough to be there for someone all of the time. I can't do that. I shouldn't be someones life support because that is too hard. Sure I can listen and I can be strong, but I don't want to be the complete reason for someones happiness of misfortune. Ben figured this out, because even when things were tough..Which they still are...He didn't completely act like the world was crumbling even if he felt like it was. He trusted that what was happening had a reason, that God knew what he was doing. Even if I never talked to him again I think he would have stayed strong and been okay. I think. Hah. Some people don't understand that..I just can't be your everything its too hard. Jesus should be. Jesus wants to be. He wants to carry all of our burdens. We don't have too! How amazing is that?! It just blows my mind.

I am so in love! So in love with an amazing creator who knows what he is doing. Oh he really does. Becca and I took a trip down to the vending machines this evening after everything seemed to be falling apart. We are girls and of course we wanted dark chocolate. Becca places all 85 cents into the mouth of the vending machine, presses the buttons, and out comes 2 (yes TWO!) dove dark chocolate little piece of heaven. I'm not even kidding. It was just like wow...He does love us. Just a little reminder from him when everything seems to be falling down.

Alright well since this post is pretty much longer than anything I have ever written I should probably end it here. I hope this clears some things up for some people. Especially now that I know that people on both sides actually read this thing. Hah. I could change the world! Kidding.

One more thing...I have decided that I am going to write a book about this past week or so. I will go something like this:
Girl has everything.
Girl finds something new and interesting.
Girl lets go of amazing guy.
Crazy crazy crap happens (this is the climax..and i can't ruin it yet).
Girl realizes she has made a huge mistake.
Everyone back home hates girl.
Girl works harder than anything she has ever worked for before.
Happy Ending?

Maybe it will become a movie. Take that story with you to L.A.

For real. I am done now. Goodnight and Happy Monday.