The Christian Subculture

So this blog is completely unplanned and I have decided to let my thoughts and my fingers on these keys wander where they please. Until tonight I didn’t have any real coherent thoughts to put onto paper. Not any that I am willing to make available to the general public at least. I was okay with lack of ideas to be honest, because I have legitimate amounts of work to do in the next ten days. This includes three papers (all for English classes) and a genetics exam of death. So of course Jesus likes to speak to me and make me all excited when I have a lot of work to do. I am sure he probably thinks that it’s funny, reminding me that school is great but getting so worked up about Him that I have to share it with the world is even better.

Today, at good old Grove City College I got really excited about Jesus. I heard a speaker that had me so lost in the message I couldn’t help but sit on the very edge of my seat. I was hanging on his every word because this guy was speaking truth. He was speaking the very truth into this Christian community that I have wanted to scream at them for the past three weeks.

Some people were paying attention and others quite obviously were not, but I can only hope that this message, this view of Christianity got through to a few people.

I kind of felt bad for those listening who come from a very conservative Christian background as he practically slammed this “Christian culture” that we have created. Anyways here we go, the message of John Fischer reiterated and interpreted in the words of Alex Omicioli.

Let’s be completely honest with ourselves here and admit that the word “Christian” today does not sit well with many people. You hear that world and you think of a distinct group of people that tear down, despise the immoral, and hate. Hate? How, when we profess to serve the God of love, did the word hate ever become associated with Christians? Let’s not cast a silver lining over anything here, people do indeed view Christians as people that have a hatred towards others. Little red flags should be going up in your head right about now.

How is it that such a word ever become associated with our God?

1. We have been more focused on the sin than on the sinner.

Everyone says love the sin and hate the sinner, but how many sinners have you loved today? The example that John used was that of homosexuality. Bring up homosexuality in Christian circles and it is only a matter of time before someone pipes in with the ever popular, “love the sin but hate the sinner,” mantra. But his challenge was this, how many homosexuals have you actually loved lately? Not that you said you loved or that you tried to fix, but actually loved. It suddenly got a bit stuffy in that old chapel as people shifted uncomfortably in their seats at the mention of this forbidden topic. I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

So here is the root of the issue: Ultimately you aren’t going to be able to love any sinners until you love yourself. You (and I mean, I) alone are the worst sinner that every lived. Until you recognize that, your ability to actually love and accept others who are really just like you is going to be rather limited. As Jesus would say, get that telephone pole out of your own eye before trying to remove the tiny piece of lint out of your neighbors.

2. We have been selfishly more concerned about our own safety and protection, living in fear of the world.

Christians today have created this Christian subculture. In this culture that we have created, we never even have to leave the realm of Christendom. We have Christian everything! People home school their children, send them to private Christian schools, hire Christian plumbers, drink coffee from the Christian coffee shop, listen to Christian music, read Christian books, and watch Christian movies. Am I getting the point across?

What are we so afraid of that we have felt the need to protect ourselves from the world with this Christian subculture? This need for safety has come from fear, but fear has no place in the Christian faith.

What we need is not all of these “Christian” alternatives but Christians who are willing to go out and live in the world. The light and salt of Jesus is never going to spread if we are keeping it within the Christian community. Christians are not the people who need the salt and light, it is the world that needs it! So let’s get out there and give it to them.

3. We have bought into the politics of this nation, believing that only true Christians are living in the red states (if you know what I mean).

The point that John really drove home here was that both political parties have flaws. There are things within each that the Christian can agree and disagree upon; nothing is ever going to be black and white because there are no real truths in either party, only shades of grey. If this is the case for both parties, why are we getting so worked up over politics, something that has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus?

4. We have become the self-appointed line of defense that God doesn’t need and certainly never asked for.

It has become our primary concern to make sure that prayer stays in schools, that the word ‘God’ stays in the pledge of allegiance, and that Intelligent Design is taught to our children. How is waging these wars loving? These battles are just that, a war that Christians are determined to win. If God wants these things to remain in the public realm then He is going to keep them there, and He most certainly did not ask us to fight these battles for Him.

These are just a few examples that John gave that really hit home for me. This is why the people today see Christians as people separate from the world, a subculture that has the word hate associated with their name. They see us as a group that stirs up trouble, who professes to love their neighbors, but only ever gives off negative energy. They hear the word Christian and shrink away in fear. Wouldn’t it be something if instead of a fear of Christians people thought instead, “Hey those Christians may have some screwy beliefs, but they don’t judge, they are filled with love, compassion, and concern for others.” When John said those words I was shocked into a stunned silence. If people who had never experienced Jesus before began saying things like that about Christians, the world would be a completely different place. In the meantime, it is a world that I can dream about. It is something that I myself can work on and attempt to live out.

This message just stirred me up all over again. I can’t wait to get out into the world and show them the Jesus I know. In the meantime I guess I can practice on a few Grovers who need this Jesus just as much.

An Unexpected Realization

I went to New York City for one weekend and there I met Jesus. I didn't meet him in the lights and overwhelming extravagance of the city, but in a small gathering of people worshiping together in a small theater in Harlem.

For the first time in months, years even, I felt the presence of God with every fiber of my being.

Everything that I have been reading about, praying over, searching for, it has all suddenly been affirmed. I no longer just want to talk about these ideas, but I want to live them.

I am willing to talk to anyone who will listen to m

e for 15 minutes about this church and the experience I had there. My poor roommate and residence life staff, some of them have already witnessed my excitement.

This church completely took any expectations you may have previously had about church and shattered them. This wasn't a church but a community. It was community infested with people of every size, color, shape, style, and theology imaginable yet they all had two things in common.

They all recognize their brokenness.

They all see their deep need for Jesus.

Christianity to them is not a religion of rules that bind you to doctrinal theology, but a relationship. It is about a relationship with Jesus and relationships with one another.

When did church become a static institution instead of a dynamic community?

I sat in church on Sunday and could not help but think that this must have been what the early church was like. The congregation was engaged and interacting throughout the entire service. Not just when told they could now greet one another or when they were permitted to offer up prayer requests, but from the call to worship through communion and during the message everyone was engaged.

I want to live as a light on this campus and everywhere that I go. The question that I have now is what does that look like?

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can to make Jesus shine in my life all of the time. Putting on that outward smile and pretending to be on fire for him when I go out only leads to burnout and disappointment. That is not what I am trying to achieve.

All that I really want to do is worship and serve him with everything that I have in me. I want to praise him from the time that I wake up in the morning until I am ready for bed at night. If serving and worshiping Jesus was my every focus and aim, then I don't doubt everything else will fall into place.

Through him I am going to learn how to love, how to listen, and how to serve. Because of him my vision of community and living life with passion will catch on. I will begin to see him in even the smallest things. If my life is consumed by him, he will be able to show me truth in all of creation, not just what the church has deemed "Christian."

I have been jumping out of my skin with excitement all day. I feel like I'm in middle school all over again just coming back from a youth retreat, but actually all I did was spend a couple of hours in Harlem.

So now what? There are a couple of questions that I have been asking myself and wrestling with since being back at school.

1. Where do I go from here? Do I transfer schools and become a part of this community that gets it or do I stay here and try to make this vision come alive on this campus?

2. How do I act on these feelings and actually live them out right now?

Both of these are questions that I am seeking guidance in trying to answer and diligently praying through them.

What I have come up with for the second question is just to love on people. This campus is filled with broken people, more broken I think than many people living in the city. It is infested with this don't talk about it, go at it alone, your best is never good enough mentality. There are people that think they have it all figured out yet they have no idea who Jesus really is. These are the students that I want to love. I would love to break down their walls and barriers and just get into the heart of who they are.

There have been a number of people working on me for a few months now to get me to this place. They have shared their dreams and ideas, and my life will never be the same because of them.

I feel like I am finally getting it. I am finally at the place where I want to see this vision come to fruition and I want to see it grow. I don't have some big master plan to change the world, but I do have Jesus and I have myself. I have my time and the ability to invest and love on people one at a time. I like to think that we can take this world by storm working together one person at a time.

A Bit of a Response

A good friend of mine recently tagged me in a very provocative note on facebook. If you want to read it so you know what I am talking about, just go to my facebook page and check out the notes that I'm tagged in.

What struck me most was the truth embodied in her writing. She was talking about herself, but I can resonate with her in many areas of my own life. I'll admit that it's scary sometimes how similar we are or the ways that we understand each other. Is it crazy that we have yet to actually meet? I can't help but sit here and smirk at that one.

Anyways, this is not meant to be about Joelle (sorry dude) but rather her post. She talked about the red pill. You know, the one that Neo decided upon in The Matrix? He chose to live completely aware of the reality surrounding him. He chose to take it full on, no longer living in oblivion to the truth.

I think we forget today how easy it is to do just that. We live our lives, following the rules, taking everything as it comes and dealing with it the way we have been taught how. Do we really even think for ourselves anymore or do we just let others, our parents, teachers, pastors, and friends, do it for us? Actually living in the world, thinking and developing your own ideas is scary as hell, but I would rather feel pain, fear, and sorrow and live in the truth than feel nothing at all.

I am just thinking about all of these preconceived notions that the church and the world today throw upon us and it almost angers me. They give us the black and white, the wrong and right, they tell us what this is rather than allow us to think and wrestle through these issues on our own. When was the last time that you really thought about and studied issues such as premarital sex, homosexuality, adultery, and divorce?

These topics are hardly mentioned in churches today let alone prayed though, thought about, and dealt with in terms of our culture today. Most of us have heard all of our lives that these things are 'wrong.' But why? That question we almost always shy away from.

Well, I am tired of it. I am tired of waking up every morning acting and thinking in ways that I have been told to. I am taking the reigns back, and giving them solely to my creator. I am learning to really live with Jesus as my one and only teacher. Yeah it's going to be a long and difficult journey, because this thinking is unlike all that I was brought up with. It may turn a lot of my beliefs and ideas upside down, but that is what I am looking for after all. There has to be more out there. Jesus did not come to restrict us in our thinking but to set us free. When the hell are people going to realize that?

This 'red pill' mentality, this being set free, is where true joy lies. This freedom allows me to seek out truth in everything and everywhere. Here's a bold statement for some of you Grover types, but truth is not just found in the Bible. Truth can be found everywhere. I am a believer in absolute truth, absolutely, but I know that God can reveal Himself to me anywhere, at anytime, through anything. He is God after all.

Amidst the Brokenness

While my life is constantly changing, writing is something I hope will always remain constant. At the end of the day I can always come back to it despite my views, thoughts, or feelings. I was asked today to write an article for the school newspaper. Just a small piece on the racquetball team, but it's something. I don't remember who I was talking with not too long ago, but they encouraged me to look into writing for the paper so I will have some sample pieces written. If there was anyone who really wanted to check out my writing style I suppose I could point them in the direction of my blog, but these aren't exactly proofread or written with a professional air about them. Anyways I was asked to write this piece, and I didn't even need to go through the hassle of finding those in charge and asking how I could be involved. God is so good!

[Just a really random side note that should hardly be a part of this blog because I feel like it throws off the tone: I am randomly scattering some pictures from junior year throughout this post since I haven't put any up in a long time.]

I have no idea where He is taking me these days, but I know that wherever it is we are on our way there together. I remember back in high school when I felt so confused and overwhelmed with life. I had so many questions and even more fears! It was the end of the world if I didn't get a 1200 on my SAT's or if I got any lower than a B on anything. And then the questions: Where am I going to college? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? And the biggest one, (now my personal favorite) who am I going to marry? I have learned so much since then that I can't help but look back on these now trivial fears and laugh. Clearly the SATs did not have too much effect on my future, I got into my college of choice, and marriage is one of the farthest things from my mind. (Don't get me wrong it comes up, because I am a girl. And all girls, I don't care who you are, secretly have that desire for a big beautiful wedding.) But in all honesty I don't plan on getting married for quite some time, if at all. I believe I could live that lifestyle the apostle Paul calls the few too, one of singleness. That thought is daunting at times, but the thought of being closer to Jesus as a result trumps my fear. I am not ruling anything out, all I am saying is that I have expanded my horizons and my options are open. I am more willing than ever to go wherever Jesus calls me.

Jesus has really done a number on my heart lately. You know those times when you wonder where He is, and you just don't feel Him? You may doubt, you probably question, and then there are moments when you just want to give up. Well, lately I have had some of those times. Often they are merely moments, other times it is a couple of days, and awhile back it was a matter of weeks. No matter what happens though, He always proves faithful and He always comes back. Usually when I least expect it He moves in me in such a powerful way that it brings me to my knees. It is in these times that despite my brokenness He speaks to me. It remains a mystery to me how someone so broken can still be loved in such a powerful way by the Creator. That is just the awesomeness of Jesus.

I really don't think I can put all of my feelings down on paper. They are somewhere so deep inside of me and my words just are not enough.I am rendered speechless.
Yesterday we were listening to the radio on the way to University of Akron for day two of the racquetball tournament when a song by FFH came on. I had not heard their music in so long that it was rather refreshing. I remembered them again this morning so I decided to look them up and in my search I found their newest release, a song called "What it Feels Like". It is hot off the press and let me tell you this song speaks. I listened to it for the first time this morning while sitting in the Student Union and I was ever so close to breaking down in tears right then and there. Luckily I was able to wait until I got back to my room at the end of the day. It tells my story right now. If anything puts my feelings into words, this song is it.

Here are some of the lyrics, but I strongly encourage you to take five minutes and check it out!

The song is right on the homepage, just hit play.
So this is what it feels like to just fall apart
To be totally unglued
To find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me
I get all of You
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led

I have had the song playing almost all day long because I just can't seem to get enough of it.

Jesus has been revealing Himself and His will for me lately in ways I can't express. I have an unexplainable comfort in my future despite not having any idea what is going to happen. I used to be one who only looked ahead, hoping and praying that the future would be better than where I was currently at. But that got me thinking, what about the here and now? I know that I complain about this school a lot, but maybe He has me here for a reason. There just has to be people here who are searching for the same things I am. Maybe in some way (I have no idea how yet) I can have a positive effect on this campus. I want Jesus to use me in such a way, I am ready and willing. I desire that people see His love, His power, His greatness. I want them to see the ways that Jesus uses our brokenness and our sins for His glory. What an impact this campus could have if we stopped professing to be all-knowing in our faith and started asking the tough questions. If we brought Jesus to the here and now, if we continued to reform our faith instead of trying to contain it within this theological framework, I think we would be astounded by the ways God would move.

Painting A New Picture

It appears to be a general pattern that I have periods when the creative juices are flowing and other times that are more of a dry spell. I have had the desire to write again for quite some time now, it just has not worked its way up on the priority list. Grove City College is kicking my butt this semester, and that's an understatement. With 17 credits (5 classes), RA responsibilities, 2 on-campus jobs (really only working about 6 hours a week), jazz band, and racquetball it is no wonder I am 'feelin' it.' When I write it all out like that even I can't help but think maybe I am a little crazy. I really can't believe that I am back at school already, and I am even more shocked that we are 4 weeks in. Say what?!

So what has been going on? What have I spent the last month and a half of my life doing? I am sure you are all chomping at the bit, just dying to know. So here we go with my recent spin on life. I feel like it has been changing rather frequently, gradually gaining ground (that's some sweet alliteration right there...sorry, English major in me taking over) on the 'liberal' side of the fence. That statement alone may be enough to make some of my fellow classmates scowl, close this window, and walk away. If you are so closed-minded that you have already formed such an opinion, then by all means please stop reading. Those actions are exactly what have brought me to the place I am now, and they are ultimately only working to prove my point.

In all seriousness though I have to thank Grove City College and its conservative ideals for what it has done for me. It has brought me to a place of greater understanding and openness. It has certainly encouraged me to break out of this 'mold', to see that there is more out there than just what is presented to us here on this campus. It is those conversations of theology, those ones way over my head, that I hear on a daily basis, which make me wonder. I mean arguing with someone about predestination, what forms of worship are 'acceptable', or what denomination has better theology is pointless to me. If someone who has no idea who Jesus really is was to walk by during that conversation, you really think they are going to be convinced of his love, his mercy, or grace? I think they are going to be thankful they never got involved in all of this religious nonsense because of the tension, conflict, and course closed-mindedness that is so often associated with people who claim Jesus as their God.

Where has the simplicity of it all gone? And by simplicity I do not mean that choosing Jesus is easy, quite the opposite. Where is the unrelenting love? Countless times have I felt unloved and unaccepted in a supposedly 'Christian' setting. Of course, I am guilty of it myself! This is where we go wrong. We are so busy condemning and forming our own opinions of sin in this world, we forget that maybe if we cared more, if we really loved, then maybe these sin issues would take care of themselves. If our focus is truly on Jesus then don't worry, He will make us alarmingly aware of our sins. We don't need the church, a place that should be safe, filled with love and support, condemning and looking down on us. I do believe that we are called to challenge and confront each other, but in no way have we been granted the authority to condemn. So I would really appreciate it if you let Jesus deal with me. I can assure you that I am seeking him whole heartedly, that I am seeking Him for the answers to these tough questions. He does place people in our paths that help us answer these questions, that listen and work through them with us, so don't think that I am saying not to seek advice. I am just hesitant to come to people with my issues that I know will immediately lead into a discussion of the do's and don'ts of Christianity.

I am sick and tired of the black and white, the rules! I hate the Christian's daily 'checklist.' Did I read my Bible today? Check. Pray? Check. Help an old lady cross the street? Check. Sin as little as possible? Check. If everything has been done, then I guess I have been a pretty good Christian today. That list only leaves me exhausted and anxious. So then what should I be doing? If I throw away these rules and these lists, what does that leave me with? How do I live outside of the box that has built around me throughout my entire Christian walk? I guess breaking down these walls puts me on level ground with all of the other sinners out there. I am no longer separating myself, blind and unaware of what is actually taking place in the world around me. This mindset ultimately brings freedom. I can be like Jesus and reach people where they are at, bringing them what they actually need, not what I think they need. Jesus said that when someone is thirsty, BRING THEM WATER. He didn't say pray with them, read Scripture with them, or convict them or their sins. He said meet them where they are at. These acts of love, true love, will reveal Jesus in your life. It will leave people wondering what it is about you that is so different, because I promise you they will wonder.

Doesn't this picture of Jesus sound better than what we are used to hearing from churches today? We forget that Jesus can work with us where we are at now, that He isn't trying to make us become someone we are not. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of questions yet to be answered, but I am seeking Him and I am searching for the truth. And that, I believe, is what matters.

Becoming Real

Alright so this is going to be the third blog that I have attempted to write in the past two or three weeks. The first two clearly never got finished but hopefully I will be able to finish this one. So many things have happened since the last time that I wrote I really do not even know where to begin. I have been at camp for almost 5 weeks now, and already so much has changed since the day I first set foot into room 253 of Zeitfuss 2. This may sound selfish, I will explain more later, but I knew coming into this summer that it was going to be about me. I knew that I was ready for a change, for something to be different. I knew that I was ready to put aside the plastic smile, the "everything is going to be okay" line, and for the first time in my life lay everything down and figure out what it's like to be real.

The world is screaming at us to be these fake people wearing nothing greater than a size 2, showing girls movies with nothing less than a happy ending , and begging us to keep all of our issues inside and under control.I think half of the problems this world has today would be solved if people were just real. It is keeping everything bottled up and inside that ultimately causes one to snap.

I have always been a rather observant person, but now I feel like there is a whole new level to my observations. The people that seem to have it all together are in actuality the people who are lost. It makes me sad because they are lost and do not even know it. Not until you sit down and deal with your issues, feel them, take them in, are you going to find true peace and contentment. I am sure that some of you reading this are thinking that I have jumped off the deep end. Or maybe you are thinking, "What is she talking about? I really don't have that many issues to deal with." Coming into this summer I thought the same exact thing. But what I have realized is that even the problems that seem small to you can have a bigger impact than you think. Bottom line, your issues are your issues and whether you like it or not they need to be dealt with.

How we deal with all of these emotions and problems is another issue in and of itself. We all have our coping mechanisms, some may be healthier than others, but in essence they serve the same purpose. I guess I'll be real here and share mine with you. The way I cope with everything is nothing extreme, it is socially acceptable, which is why until now no one has called me out on it before. So what do I do when someone or something sets me off? Plain and simple, I work out. I will go running, play racquetball, go rock climbing, play tennis, or anything that gets my blood pounding and my heart racing. Working out is healthy, when it's not covering up your issues. If you know me well enough I am sure that if you really think about it you will know how true that rings with me. Just because I have recognized this doesn't mean that I have completely stopped this behavior, but I think that just realizing how I deal with everything is the first step.

So now what? I mean where in the world does Jesus fit into all of this? Well, let me tell you that I have been clinging to Him like none other these past few weeks. My strength in dealing with all of these issues comes from Him and Him alone. Without Him I don't know if I would have been able to handle laying everything down and actually dealing with it, it would have completely broken me. But I must say that He has kept me relatively strong throughout it all. Another lesson that He is teaching me is how to be patient. I am at the point in my life where I am waiting on a lot of things. I am waiting to figure out my calling in life, who I am going to marry, what to do after college, and the list could continue on. Instead of waiting many times I find myself needing or anticipating the things that I want instead of clinging to Jesus and what He wants for me. It is not until I am completely filled and satisfied with myself in Him that I am going to be ready to love another person.

These are just the things that I have been working through and dealing with since coming here. In some ways this camp is nothing like I expected, but in other ways it is everything that I hoped it would be and then some. It hasn't been easy realizing that life is not all rosy and sometimes it just isn't going to be okay, but I suppose that is what being real is all about. The good news in all of this is that when you are real, that is where true peace, true understanding, true caring, and true love are really found.

All the Differences

I am exhausted so I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. I have been at CAMP-of-the-WOODS for about a week and a half now. I think this is a good time to write about my experiences because I am not loving the place right now but I am not hating it either. If it was not for the people that I have meet here, I know that I would not be enjoying myself as much as I am. The short time amount of time that I have been here has already affected my attitude and views of life as I know it. That sounds much more dramatic than it really is, but allow me to explain. Here I am in the middle of nowhere, the nearest anything is about an hour away, yet I feel like I have never been more surrounded by city life and their culture before. If I am being honest with myself, little Gowanda and even Buffalo are pretty safe and tame. I am used to the passiveness of quaint little towns like Gowanda and Grove City, and thanks to these places and these life experiences I have fallen in love with the outdoors, hiking, swimming, and anything else that might involve getting my hands dirty. So what I have realized is that it is a rather naïve thought to believe that most people have the same attitude and outlook on life. Of course I knew this, but never to the extent which I know now.

What really amazes me here is that while we all come from different backgrounds, most of us are all Christians, and a lot of us have very different stories and different paths that we have taken to get to where we are now. I have really enjoyed getting to know these girls though and hear their stories, because they are so real and have truly opened my eyes to what is going on elsewhere in the world. I just find it ironic that I am in the middle of nowhere yet I am more exposed to city life than ever before. Thanks to two of my roommates and the girls on my staff I currently have my hair in cornrows and have been learning the city talk, which is almost a new language in itself.

A lot of times when we sit down and we just talk about life I don't feel like I have a lot to contribute because I have not been through half of the things that some of these girls have been through. What I have realized that I can do though is just be there to listen. Who am I to try and fix things for them and give them life-changing advice anyways? That is one thing about my personality, I love to help people and I want to "fix" them. What I have been learning is that the only person who is qualified to truly fix people is Christ and Christ alone. I have discovered that listening, being open and understanding is often times more fulfilling than giving advice anyways. Hearing about the lives and experiences of those who have lived completely different lives than I have has been an eye opening and learning experience for me. I have discovered that there is not one set way to bring glory and praise to Jesus Christ. It is an amazing thing that while we are all so different, we are united because of one person.

That thinking brings me to another realization. Is it just me or do you ever find yourself wondering why it was that Christ had to die for us? Of course I know and understand that he died for our sins and to save us from what we truly deserve, but I can't help but wonder if maybe there was more. And now as I sit here reflecting, I truly see that it is through Christ we are all united. I have trouble thinking of anything else that would bring such different people together except the blood of Christ. Together we sing out His praises and we worship him, despite our broken pasts and where we come from, we worship the creator and the God of the universe! So on that note, I have truly been blessed to be here and I can't think of any better way to end this post so I am going to leave it right here.

COTW!

Welcome to Resort…Er, I mean CAMP-of-the-WOODS. This is where I am going to be spending the next nine weeks of my life. So far I have rather mixed emotions about the place. It is called Camp-of-the-Woods, but in reality there is nothing that "camp-ish" about it. I am living in a dorm room (much nicer than any rooms at Grove City) with 2 other girls. We have our own bathroom, spacious closets, and an amazing common room downstairs. I must admit that we are a bit spoiled. These accommodations are great, but I am having trouble coming up with a reason for their necessity. The schedule that I am following so far gives me very little time to enjoy such amenities. I am so tired at the end of the day that I could be sleeping in a tent in the middle of the woods every night and I would be content. So to make matters worse, because our rooms are so nice they are militant about keeping them clean. I actually think they do room checks more often than the actual military. Every single morning our rooms get inspected. All beds must be made, floors cleaned and vacuumed, beds made, nothing is allowed on any counters or surfaces that is not a shelf, and I could keep going. When am I going to find time to clean? Well, at 10:00pm of course. After a day of working from 7:15 in the morning to 5:30, then dinner, then a mandatory group "fun" activity, I am ready for bed at 9:00 when they finally take the shackles off our feet. Okay, so I may be a little over dramatic because it isn't terrible but right now I am so exhausted that all I want to do is collapse. Which is exactly what I am going to do. My roommate just got out of the shower and so I am going to take one and crash. I will finish this post later.

Alright I am going to try and finish this up before I fall asleep. This post has been written over the course of two days by the way. I started it last night (Monday) and it is now Tuesday night. Today I am feeling much better about all of the work that we have to do than yesterday. It is really the people that have made it fun and completely worthwhile. Today as part of our "training" the entire rec staff was required to do the zip line. For those of you that do not know what that is, it is a wire 40 feet up in the air that you zoom across. The scariest part is climbing all the way up the tree and getting yourself onto the platform. Once I was up there I was more or less fine. Jumping off was a bit daunting, but completely worthwhile. One of the greatest parts was encouraging each other, especially those that were terrified, to jump. We all did it! All 18 (I think.) of us on the recreation staff. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day because we have a carnival that we are running for the entire town of Speculator, not that it is very big, and the rest of the COTW staff. Unfortunately this does mean that we are required to work until at least 9:00 tomorrow night with no breaks in between except for lunch and dinner. In all seriousness, I do not think that I have ever worked so hard in my life. What makes it all worth it is the fun that we have been having after 6:30pm. The girls have been getting together to do Zumba, an amazing dance workout and 8 minute abs. I am going to be in the best shape of my life at the end of this summer.

I know that I have so much more I want to write about but I am so tired I need to get some sleep. My alarm goes off much earlier than I would like it too. I hope to find the energy to get a good post in eventually, but right now I can hardly think straight. Hope you have enjoyed!

Breaking the Fast

I knew that I would not last very long without blogging. I have so many thoughts and ideas that I want to share, I just do not believe that I can go very long without writing anything. My mind literally lives and breathes sentences that I want to write down. It is kind of like people who love math. We have all heard about those that just love rearranging numbers in their minds to form patterns and make them more interesting. These people are commonly known as the Math nerds. I wonder if computer geeks think about codes and programs that they could create? Unlike them, I do not think about numbers and computer programs but words and sentence structure. Oh dear that makes me sound...Well, I do not even have the words. I promise those of you who may not know me, I am not as strange as I may come across on here. Anyways, the moral of the story is that I love to write. I truly think I have discovered one of my greatest passions and maybe eventually, greatest talent.

Tonight I am going to pour out my thoughts about all that is changing around me. Change is happening every single day, and today more than ever I realized that nothing stays as it is. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me as I embark on a new adventure. To be honest I have no idea what I am getting into, and as I sit here surrounded by all of my belongings packed up and ready to go I cannot help but feel a mix of emotions. First of all I am excited. Excited to see what life has up ahead and excited to meet an entire group of new people. Second, I am nervous. Who wouldn't be? It is like Freshman year of college all over again, because I have no idea who I am going to be living with for the next two months. I can't help but think about the worse possible case scenarios. I am sure it is going to be awesome, but you cannot blame me for being a bit skeptical. So that is the change that is up ahead. At least I have fair warning, that is something to be thankful for.

I do have a bit of sad news, hopefully I can keep in the tears while writing all of this down. I apologize in advance if I choke anyone up while reading this. This morning my mom and I took our dog, Mulligan, to the vet and when we walked out he was no longer with us. We got our spunky Golden Retriever named Sir Mulligan Stu when I was only 10 years old. He turned 13 this April, and it was only this year that you would have ever known that he was such an old dog. Even I began to lose track of the years, naively believing that Mulligan would be forever young. Well unfortunately this past week he began losing weight and tumors we growing at various places on his body. His arthritis was also getting worse and he could no longer even stand up without someones help. So this morning when my mom told me that she scheduled a doctors appointment for him, I knew that this was it. It was time to start saying our goodbyes. It was difficult listening to my mom recall all of the happy memories and good times that we shared with Mulligan while we made the trip to the Veterinarians. I just starred out the widow for fear of completely losing it. I often wonder if after so many years of living with humans, can animals begin to understand what we are saying? Maybe that is a stupid thought, but it does bring me some comfort to believe that maybe they can. The doctor told us that there were not very many options and so we decided that it was time to end his suffering. I can say that saying goodbye was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I will never forget the way that Mulli looked at me when the doctor carried him out of the room. At that moment I just knew that we were making the right decision and it was almost as if he was telling me it was going to be okay. He was looking right into my eyes as the doctor carried him away, and I will never be able to forget it. I am all choked up right now just typing this. Being home has been hard because I am so used to him always being here. I am still expecting to hit him with the basement door when I come flying up the stairs or to hear him scratching at my bedroom door any minute now. While this is all very hard, I am also thankful that he is not suffering any more. And I am even more thankful that I got the chance to know him at all, that he gave me all of the childhood memories that he did.
Okay, I will stop making you tear up now. On a happy, rather exciting note, there have been some good changes that have occured with me. First things first, I chopped off all my hair! Not too much of course, but enough. I do like my hair shorter rather than longer. Secondly, after much thinking and designing I have finally gotten my first tattoo. I designed it myself which makes it mean that much more. It is a cross with a jesus fish composed of two nails wrapped around it. It also says Via, Verita, Vita which means the way, the truth, and the life in Italian. I got it on my left side, on my ribs, which I hear is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo. It was painful, but still bearable. It still does not seem real, and I am half expecting that it is going to come off the next time I take a shower. Alright I am sorry to end this so abrubtly because there is so much more that I want to write about and tell about, but I am afraid that it is 2:30 in the morning and I have to be up early to finish packing and get on the road. I do not know when I am going to be able to write again so for all I know this could be it for the summer. Please keep me in your prayers this summer and I will do my best to keep you updated. <3

An Old End. A New Beginning.

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and much of that has included this little blog of mine. We have been through a lot together, especially the past few months. Whenever I need to let off some steam and write, this is usually where I come to do it. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and I hope those of you that have read this have enjoyed them as well. So here is the hard part. I think it is time for me let this blog go. We have had a nice year and a half together, but as in all things we are coming to an end. I think my life is beginning to head down a different path, different from what I would have predicted a few months or even weeks ago. I guess things have been changing for some time now, I just was not ready to accept that. So now, thinking clearly, I am ready to push ahead out into the world. People change, and all it takes as a matter of months. I have seen it in others before my very eyes and I am seeing change taking place in myself all the time. I don't know what is in store for me, or what lay on the path ahead but you can bet that I am excited to find out. It is like God has taken me by the hand and ever so gently, despite all my tugging and fighting to go my own way, He has led me here. Right where I need to be.

Saying goodbye here is kind of hard, but I am sure that I will be starting a new blog soon enough. Just not all of you are going to know where to find it. Sorry. I believe that it is time to cut off some old ties, close some doors, and watch as new ones open. So in some ways, continuing to write here has been holding me back from where I need to be. Some of you may not understand what I am saying, but I know that others will. Lately I have just been led in a new direction, and I am scared and excited at the same time to see where I am going to end up. Some old relationships have been rekindled the past few weeks and others have come to an abrupt end. As sad as that is, like I said before, people change. I have found myself looking at some old friends hardly knowing who they are and I am sure they have thought the same in me. I can't say that I am complaining, I believe my change is good. That is why this last thread from the past few months needs to be cut. I'm not going to completely delete it off the world wide web, there are too many memories here and too many lessons that I have learned to just let it all go. I am sure there is going to come a time when I will want to come back and reminisce. And who knows maybe these doors of my life will be opened back up someday. Right now I can't really say since they have so firmly been shut.

So in closing, I hope you all have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Who even reads this anymore, I do not know. If ever I start a new blog, I will let some of you know and others I won't. Next time I write probably will not become such public knowledge. Sorry. Well I guess this is it, the end. I'm walking ahead down a new path, through new doors, and embarking on a new adventure.

Late Night Thinking

Sometimes the thoughts just can't wait until morning or sometime the next day to be put down. I believe that I work the best and think the clearest in the late hours of the night. It is when everyone else is sleeping that I can think clearest and work my best. If I was ever going to be a writer of any kind, I think I would do all of my work late at night. It is so peaceful. If it was warmer outside I would be out on the back porch right now, at 1:45 in the morning. Instead, picture this if you will, I am sitting in the basement inside of a one person Winnie the Pooh tent that my little brother managed to acquire today. I am nestled into a bundle of blankets and the song We Weren't Crazy by Josh Gracin is playing softly in the background. Real quick, can I just take the time to say how much I love Rascal Flatts and their new C.D. I don't know what they are going through, but the C.D. that they put out before this one was filled with love songs and now this one is a bit more depressing, not so happy. I don't mind, speaks to me in my time of need as well as many others I am sure. The best part is, my favorite song, Unstoppable is what they named their C.D. after. Give it is a listen and you will see what I mean. It should be the song that is playing on my blog right now, so turn up that volume.

Today was Sunday and unfortunately I had to work this evening. It almost seems like a completely different day already, like I did not even work today, but unfortunately the throbbing of my feet tells me otherwise. After work tonight I went and spent some time with my good friend Ashley who is having some guy problems of her own at the moment. It is not so much that I can relate to what she is going through, but the fact that I am there to listen and try to offer her some advice when possible. It is hard to know where she is really at, what to say, what not to say because we do have differing views on a lot of life. What I do know is that I am going to be as real as I possibly can with her. All that I went through this year is no secret, and I feel comfortable sharing it with any girl that wants to listen or feels like they can relate. Did I make mistakes? Undoubtedly. But despite any of that, I learned so much more. And what is more important, is that there is no denying God's grace and His hand working in any of it. I was not shy in mentioning tonight that without my faith, without Jesus, I would not be where I am right now. I will make that perfectly clear to anyone who wants to hear my story.

Tonight as I drove home I realized how much I love driving, especially alone. I can think and pray more than most other times throughout my day. I pulled into my driveway at about 1:30 this morning and just sat there for a couple minutes before getting out of the car. Tonight was a beautiful night, another great thing about living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. The stars were out and the moon (half moon) was huge and orange. You know what I am talking about? And it was beautiful because those little wispy clouds were slightly covering it, but not too much. Just enough to add a cool effect. I could not help but stand there and soak it all in for a few moments, taking the time to thank the Lord for absolutely everything.

Today was Sunday, which means that I went to church this morning! It was actually the first time in a few weeks that I was at my own church because I have been such a gypsy lately. Last week I went to a Catholic service with my grandmother and who knows where I was the week before. Anyways, it served as the rejuvenation and refreshment that I have been looking for. Today's message talked about sanctification and becoming a sanctified people. The main passage for the message this morning was 1 Peter 4:1-6 and I would highly recommend looking into it if you get the chance. The words of Pastor Vern that stuck with me the most came as he defined sanctification; becoming so tuned in to what God is doing that you see Him everywhere. I can't quite imagine that, obviously because God is not done with me yet. I mean can you imagine being that in tune with God that you can see how He is at work in everything? Another great analogy that was brought to my attention this morning was our Christian walk being described as a yo-yo. We all know that it is filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, in betweens, blacks, whites, and shades of gray. While we are going through these highs and lows however we are learning and growing with each step of the way. So instead of just a yo-yo, it is more like we are yo-yoing while continually climbing up a flight of stairs. I can see it in my own life. I just know that slowly but surely Jesus is infiltrating every area of my life. When I finally give Him one thing, He asks for another and then another. Hands down, Jesus is pretty much the coolest person I know. End of discussion.

Lots of Random Paragraphs

I look out my window right now, and where there should be the endings of a pretty little sunset I see a giant black cloud heading right for us. Just standing at the window and watching it I can see lightening bolts coming down in the distance. I used to be deathly afraid of lightening and thunder storms. I think I have grown out of that now, I actually rather enjoy them. I also used to be scared of fireworks, and I must admit that I still am. There is just something about balls of fire flying up in the sky, shaking the earth, and then flying back down at you that just sends me running indoors. I don't know who ever decided that such a thing was 'safe' and enjoyable. I would personally be thrilled if fireworks were banned forever. Why can't the fourth of July be celebrated in some other, safer, quieter way? We could shoot colored cotton balls into the sky. It would be quieter and much safer. No one minds being hit with cotton. Balls of fire on the other hand, I have an issue with that. How did I get started on all of this? Oh yes, the thunderstorm. The wind is now blowing and the rain has just started to come down by the way.

Moving on. What have I been doing with myself lately? Well I spent the majority of my day today working to serve the bikers that poured into Olympia. This weekend is Harley Happenings in this little bitty town of ours, which means that hundreds and hundreds of motorcycles line Main St. all weekend long. There are bands that play, people everywhere, and of course lots and lots of beer. Our town is never busier than on this particular weekend. Oh! I am jumping too far ahead of myself. I need to fill you all in on the fun little adventure that I had on Thursday with my old friend Liz. We were besties in seventh grade and surprisingly we have been able to keep in touch ever since. Here is a testimony for you about the way's God works to bring people together. Way back in the day, seventh grade to be precise, I was just beginning to experience God's greatness and to learn of the sacrifice His Son made for me. I was a new Christian and coming out of the Catholic church I was still rather unsure about the whole thing, so I kept it to myself and did not really let my little light shine. If I am not mistaken, I believe that Liz was in the same boat I was and therefore we never talked about our faith with one another, even though we had very similar beliefs. Well in time, after a move to Gowanda and time in which we grew in our faiths, it was soon no secret that each of us was deeply in love with Jesus Christ. So now here we are, almost eight years later. We have been brought together as friends and it was so nice to have another sister in Christ to talk to about all that has been going on with our lives. Having someone to talk to, relate to, to give and get advice from, knowing that they have similar values and beliefs as you is one of the greatest gifts.

The hike we went on was unbelievable. It was near Chestnut Ridge Park, in these woods right across the street from in actually. I will post some pictures because it really was a beautiful little hike. We then stumbled upon this littler creek that we followed until we reached a waterfall. Inside of the waterfall is this little fire (that runs on gas I am sure), but it never goes out. Some people call it the eternal flame and others call is gaslight falls. Whatever it is called, I love it.

So here is a little something that I am getting absolutely sick and tired of. I am tired, beyond belief tired, of guys thinking that they have the right to treat girls the way that they do. In my opinion we should be treated like princesses. Guys, you do that and we'll treat you with respect. I don't mean to talk back about them all, because I know that good ones are out there, but after a friend came to me in tears today I just can not take any more. I do not understand who some of these guys think they are! And I have dealt with my fair share of these (I will not swear) guys, this year. Ah. And girls, what are you doing staying with them? They hurt you once, and the second they apologize and come running back you, you fling wide the doors to your heart and let them right back in. Respect yourselves a little more than that, I beg you. I have decided that I am done, completely done. I am just going to sit around and let Mr. Right find me, because clearly all the looking that I have been doing has not worked yet. I want a guy who loves me and who is willing to fight for me. Actually fight for me. There are tons of country singers out there who sing about how sad they are when the girl they love walks out on them, and they sing about fighting for her, about how much they truly loved her. Well, I have yet to find any guy who has loved or fought like that. So when I find him, I suppose I will have to keep him around. I have a feeling it is going to be a while, but I am in no hurry. So that is that. I think I am going to call it a night. I am in the middle of reading The Hobbit, and I am anxious to see what is going to happen next.

Life

I just got home from Buffalo where I attended my 98 year-old, great great aunts piano recital. Yes you heard me right, her piano recital. I only hope that when I am that old I can be as active as she is. She plays the piano, paints, and reads like its all going out of style. She is 98 years-old and you would think that she is in her 70's. She lives on her own, does not need a walker or a cane to get around, and she is sharp as a whistle. If anyone has ever lived life to the fullest, it is her. I can only hope that I have inherited those genes.

Anyways this piano recital was at this Universalist church in Buffalo, and it was comprised of 25 students ranging in age from 5 to 98. While my aunt was great (she played a wonderful Spanish piece) by far the best performer was this boy named Alexi. He was only 17 years old and he arranged his own piece which was a hodge-podge of Duke Ellington pieces. Here is the best part...be ready for this...he only has one good hand. One. His right arm cuts off right before the elbow, so all he has is a stub there, but that has not stopped him. If you sat on the other side of that piano you would never know that he only had one hand. He was truly an inspiration. The recital was beyond words. So here I sat at this Universalist church listening to a variety of music performed by these students, including the one Rascal Flatts song that stops me dead in my tracks. (No, I'm not kidding...So there's your shout out. You know what song I am talking about.) I was certainly amused.

So I thought that since I was home now that I would be blogging more frequently, but instead it has been quite the opposite. I have not written the past couple of days because I needed a little time to cool off before writing anything because there was a time that I was tempted to just speak my mind completely. Oh brother that would have been a bad life choice. So the past, two days I think, I have kept as busy as possible, and I have been relying on the Lord like it's my job (well it kind of is). Suddenly I have found that I literally have no one else. No one else can fill me up like He does, no one can fill the void that He so perfectly fits into. I have done more praying these last 48 hours than I have done in a long time. Whenever I need to talk to someone, I talk to Jesus, whenever I am sad, I tell Him about it, I pray for others, I beg Him to take all of me, completely, 100%. What in the world do people do without Jesus? I get down on life enough with Him, if He wasn't there, if I did not have Him to turn to, I would be so lost. Just the thought scares me. I stumbled upon these verses in the book of Acts yesterday morning and I can't help but share them. They really come from Psalm 16, but are reiterated here in Acts:

"I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to the the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence."
-Acts 2: 25-28

I have been filled with a joy lately that I have never felt before. Everything that I do and everything I find happiness in I attribute to the Lord. I have been finding joy in even the smallest of things. I am learning to love life, to love everything about it, everything that I have been so blessed with. One thing I have truly begun to appreciate is this small town that I live in. It reminds me of Stars Hollow except (in the words of Ashley Moran) her aunt owns the diner, not Luke Danes. For those of you not familliar with Stars Hollow, I would highly recommend that you catch up on your Gilmore Girls. I need to find me a Luke, a Luke who loves Jesus though.

I suppose I should get going soon, since it is 1:30 a.m. I hope you like the music that I put up on the blog! For your listening pleasure. I will probably change it often, depending on my mood. These two songs are ones that I have described my mood lately, well my mood tonight at least. I tried putting up the song Found by Josh Gracin, but I could not get a good copy of it. So if you want to hear a good song and you are feeling ambitious, check it out on youtube. I hope that ya'll are having a good night.

Sir Wellington and Mrs. Mississippi

Today, the day I have been dreading for months, the day that I thought would be depressing and a tough one to get through, turned out to be one of the greatest that I have had in a while. It began as a good day with tennis, a long drive out to Rochester, and cooking dinner with Di. What really ended the day with a bang was a nice long walk on the beach, ice cream cone in hand, and sunset in the background. It was like a movie. I was wearing a skirt and flip-flops, and the wind was lightly blowing. I love watching the people. Tonight I did not even cringe at the sight of cute couples holding hands watching as their kids ran ahead chasing seagulls. Instead of grow green with envy and jealousy, I watched and really appreciated them. I trust that my time will come soon enough. So Di and I took a nice long walk and talked about life. It was the most relaxing and peaceful time that I have experienced in a long time. And once again I stand in awe, completely amazed at how God works. The day that I thought for certain would be the toughest to get though ended up being a day that I can look back on and actually smile. Let me tell you, God is good.

Can I just say that the men who will be privileged enough to spend their lives with either Di or I, well they will be two very lucky guys. Because guys, we can cook. For dinner we cooked chicken wellington, asparagus, and cinnamon buns topped with fresh strawberries. We then decided to test out a dessert and chose Mississippi Mud Pie. It was the fanciest, most sophisticated meal that I have ever cooked. And we did it all by our lonesome. It all went off without a hitch, well except for the part when I put aluminum foil in the microwave. I don't know why I am telling you this, I suppose to add a little laughter to your life. I needed to soften a piece of chocolate from a candy bar because I was making chocolate curly-q shavings. Well I accidentally left the aluminum part on the wrapper. I thought it was just paper, but I was not really thinking. Luckily I only put it in for 5 seconds, but that 5 seconds was the longest of my life. We watched in horror as a mini-lightening storm occurred inside of the microwave, ending in the candy bar catching on fire. I quickly blew it out and life resumed as usual, so no need to be alarmed. But other than that everything turned out even better than I would have expected.

So pretty much life has been great since school has ended. The saying is true, home is where the heart is. I am getting excited for the summer to begin and to spend it in the Adirondacks! I can't wait to see how God is going to use me there and what He is going to teach me. I feel like God has taught me so much in the past few months, how could I possibly deserve to be blessed with anything more? But the good news is that God keeps on giving and giving, He never grows tired of it. He never stops loving us or stops teaching us. I just really love Jesus a lot. So this summer is going to be a time of preparation and hopefully maturation. I hope to come back to school refreshed, ready to tackle my role as an RA, as a student, and as a friend. I challenge you to do the same. Well it is time for this girl to settle in for the night. Di and I plan on falling asleep to the sweet sounds of Rory and Lorelai Gilmore.

What Is Right

It has been almost one week since arriving back on Flavia Circle. Home sweet home. For the first time ever I did not go home a single extra time last semester. Which is surprising since last semester was by far the worst semester and the hardest of my college career. I have never, in all my life, had to deal with so much. The last few months tried and tested every almost every aspect of my life, and for all I know the test is still in progress. Home has been therapeutic though. Getting away from campus and back to what is familiar is exactly what I needed. I must admit that I have not been doing much of anything. I have watched countless episodes of Gilmore Girls and a number of random movies. I have Pride & Prejudice playing in the background right now to be honest. I have made it a point to stay active and start getting into summer shape though. Running has been my weapon of choice and I am currently 5 days strong.

I have received some information about camp this summer and I am a bit more skeptical than I had previously been. It seems that they walk a straighter line than I had originally assumed. No wearing Abercrombie, mandatory daily chapel (although I really can't complain about that), and a dress code for Sunday mornings. If I am planning on ever wearing a skirt it has to come mid-calf. Where am I going to find a skirt that falls mid-calf? I don't think I will. Hopefully these things will not get in the way too much though. I have heard so many good things about this camp that I am sure the good will far outweigh the bad. Which reminds me, I was thinking yesterday about how often we focus on the negative. Think about it! All the time! I know I do at least, but I can not imagine that I am the only one. It is so much easier to think about the bad rather than the good. So instead of focusing on what has gone wrong, from now on I am going to try and focus more of my attention on what has gone right. I think that is a much better outlook on life. Alright I do have much more that I want to write but I am starting to fall asleep. Maybe tomorrow I will make more time.

A Day to Honor

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, astounded by the ways that God is working in my life. He speaks to my heart again and again, and each time He provides confirmation that it is Him and not just me making things up on my own. God is still speaking to His people today and it is a beautiful thing. I have been a complete and utter wreck that past couple of weeks but at the same time I have been at peace. At peace with what God is doing, knowing that He is working on my heart. Do you ever have those times where it just seems like one thing after another? I am not kidding when I say that this semester has been exactly like that. Every time I think things possibly could not get any worse, they do. Instead of always looking at it negatively I am trying to take all of these lessons and experiences and run with them. If I have to go through this, I am going to learn from it. If I have learned anything, it has been about commitment and relationships. Not with just your typical guy-girl relationship (although that has been thrown in there) but also about my relationship with Christ. I am committed to Him like I have never been committed to anything before. Despite everything and anything, I cling to him for dear life. I want to spend my time in complete worship to Him. I feel like a broken record, all of my posts have been about just this. I just can't say it enough!

I really do have a real message here that I want to write about. It has been something that God has placed on my heart and so now I am actually acting on it. As I have said time and time again this semester has been insane and I am literally at the end of my rope. Needless to say, I am tired. I came back to my room after my Organic final last night and my brain was literally shut down. I did not know what to do when I got back to my room. I knew I was not going to do any more studying, but even watching a movie or playing bubble spinner was too much to handle. Anyways, the past few weeks I have just been so tired of school, of emotions running haywire, relationships, you name it. Physically and emotionally, I am drained. So I got to thinking about how I can combat such feelings. Let's face it, even when I take the time on Friday and Saturday nights to relax, I always feel guilty because I have thoughts of all the work that needs to be done swimming in my head. I then realized that my rest and relaxation need to come from the Lord, but how? And then it hit me...Sunday! We have been given the Sabbath to stop worrying about all the work that needs to be done and to rest in the Lord. Only He can truly fill us and refresh us.

So I started talking to some of my friends that take Sunday's off. A day that is usually filled with studying for the week ahead, they spend resting. The idea just sounded so appealing to me! A day that I would not have to feel guilty for, to take all of the time I need to slow down and glory in the Lord. As a result I have been wrestling with this thought for a few weeks. Do I give up my Sunday's? I do my devotions every day, is that not enough? Thinking about all the extra work I would have to do on Friday's and Saturday's to make up for it made this idea seem unreasonable and unappealing. But of course God kept knocking on my heart until I finally heard Him. This morning I got confirmation that this truly was something He has placed upon my heart, and if I listen to Him I am going to be blessed beyond belief.

I debated about whether or not I should go to church this morning because I work up later than usual and I would have to go alone this week. I finally made up my mind to go, and it was a good thing I did. Because wouldn't you know that the message this very morning concerned rest and honoring the Sabbath. I almost fell over in my chair because it was the very message I had been waiting to hear. Not only did the message speak directly to me this morning, going to church alone ended up being a blessing in and of itself. I was sitting alone when this couple came and sat next to me. I started talking to them, telling them about my plans for the summer and they told me a little about themselves. The girl that I met, pretty sure her name was Erin, asked me after church if she could pray for me. So we sat there for ten minutes after the service praying together. Even though we just met she was such an encouragement!

Back to my thoughts concerning the Sabbath day. We have been commanded to obey the Sabbath and there is no doubt that we are blessed when we honor the Lord's day. Taking the time to rest is not a suggestion but a commandment (Exodus 20:8)! In this busy world it is not easy to take time off. It may sound like a bit of an oxymoron but you have to work in order to find rest. It's not just going to come to you, you must consciously make the decision to give a day up to the Lord.

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not going as you please or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride of the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
Isaiah 58: 13-14

So from now on, that is going to be my aim. I have a final tomorrow night at 7:00 but I am not going to begin studying until tomorrow morning. I think that 12 hours should be more than enough time, but it is still a bit daunting not to be studying today. I don't know what else this implies, it is probably different for each individual. Should I no longer go out on Sunday's? What about going out to breakfast? Because then I am causing other people to work on the Sabbath on account of me. This is something I am going to be meditating on and bringing before the Lord, asking Him to personally convict me. I am confident that by turning to Him, He is going to teach me how to properly worship Him on the Sabbath.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-29

Something to Get Excited About

I just spewed forth a fountain of Biological knowledge and it felt so good! I can't say that I have ever felt so good walking out of a final before. I was not completely confident in all of my answers for the multiple choice, but the three essay questions just got owned. It was just like "here Doc let me pour out my knowledge upon you." Bam. Bam. Bam. God is good! Without Him there is no way that I would be getting through this week the way that I am. Unfortunately I have succumbed to the power of Dr. Dent and her Genetics examinations. There is little to no hope for that class, so instead of wasting time studying for a 30 I have decided to focus on Organic which I can experience success. Tomorrow night is going to be bliss. Last night of partying it up at Trish's house with the seniors and racquetball crew. It will be sad, but guaranteed to be an unforgetable night.

How I am getting any studying done this week is beyond me. I have been living in Becca and Gretchen's room with the estrogen levels at an all time high. Everyone in that room has shed tears almost every single day. It is a dramatic room in which someone always has some sort of dilemma. It's a wonder that any work ever gets done, really. But I love it. The experiences and the many laughs and talks that I have had in that room have really made college complete. That is what it is all about. While grades are important, I think that developing friendships and relationships are greater by far.

I received some good news this week that I got a job working at Camp-of-the-Woods in the Adirondacks this summer! I don't leave until June 20th which is good because that means I get an entire month off from school before starting to work. I don't think this job is going to be much like work though. I am going to be a part of their recreation staff, meaning I get to plan activities and sports for the kids that come there. I am not going to be your typical counselor because this is more of a family camp. So I am just going to be living with another staff member, spending my days playing sports with kids. I could not have asked for a better job! There is no doubt in my mind that God was at work here. I had no idea what I was going to be doing this summer until I found out about this camp online. The next day I walked into the Student Union and there was guy there with a table set up trying to recruit college kids to work there for the summer. I talked to him, he turned out to be from Buffalo, turned in my application and now I have a job. I have never been so sure that right now I am in the right place, where God is calling me to be.

There are so many times when things are uncertain but I am learning that if I cling to God, He will not abandon me. He is going to make sure that I get where I am supposed to be going even if he literally has to drag me there. I think we all forget that too often. I mean every day I have moments that I wonder if I am really in the right place. You just need to be confident that you are. Trust in the Lord, because as long as you want to serve Him, as long as your heart is in the right place, He is going to be faithful. He will never disappoint you. It can be a really scary thing to give all that you have over to God. It is in our nature to want to do everything on our own. I know that right now I am struggling with discerning God's will over my own. Not so much that I want to follow my own sinful nature (I do, all the time, don't get me wrong.), but that I have trouble trusting God. How do I know for sure when something is God's will or if I am just following my own desires? One thing that I have come to understand over the years is that when God is trying to tell you something, He is not going to be subtle. Maybe at first, but usually there are ways He acts which make it unmistakably clear that this is what you should be doing. Me working at Camp-of-the-Woods for instance. Last night while I was studying Becca played the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns and told me that this song describes some of what I am struggling with right now. I knew all of the words to the song but I never really listened to them until last night:

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I love this song, of how it tells of the struggles we go through and the doubts that we have but we must always remember that Jesus trumps over any of that. We need to be confident that He is leading us in the right direction. With Him we are going to get where we need to be, even if it seems like we are aimlessly wandering sometimes. That gives me a lot of hope for the future and for what lies ahead. I don't know what is going to happen or what is in store, but I know that it is going to be extravagant. God has something planned for me, for all of us, something that we probably would never be able to dream up on our own. This makes me pretty excited. Excited not only for the future but for how God is using me and preparing me right here and now. When it comes down to it, God is someone to get pretty excited about.

"The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him."
-Exodus 15:2