A Tiny Island Where Everything is Better

I wish...I wish there was a tiny island where everything is better. If only. How do I prove myself to someone after messing up so badly? How could I let this happen? How could could I convince myself that love like I had wasn't worth it anymore? Now I see, now my eyes have been opened. Now. After all of this. Now that I have completely torn everything down, I want to start rebuilding. I would completely understand though if that is not what he wanted. He deserves so much better than me, yet he is willing to give me another chance. I want to take that chance and run with it, yet I am hesitant because I do not want to break his heart again. Not to mention I have everyone on his side rooting against me. Or so it seems.

It kind of sucks being the bad person in all of this. I wish people would listen. Would understand where I am coming from. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say that for people to understand? Nothing happened. I did nothing. I felt confined so I quit because it got hard. But I learned something from that. People who have loved like this should understand what I am saying and where I am coming from. Love is hard. You make mistakes, but most importantly you do learn from those mistakes.

I guess it will take some serious work to prove my devotion to this. Well, I'm willing to work for it. I'll do whatever it takes as long as everything will be okay in the end. It's not even about me. If he is happier without me then so be it, but if he feels anything like I feel...Like I know he does...Then life just wouldn't be the same without each other in it. Even after breaking up we both knew we hadn't reached the end. Thats how it is...

Or like he literally just said...We are like the sting in hercules. They try to break us and we only get stronger. I'm not giving up. I'll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me.

I said that not getting into Geneseo was a sign from the Lord, but maybe it was a different sign. Through all of this...I've learned that I am supposed to stay here. I might even like it here. Despite all of the drama and wierd people...There are things that I do love about it. Like dance parties, vending machines, warriors (prob. my favorite), my computer, watching movies all weekend rather than partying, random trips to McDonalds, and the list goes on and on...The randomness of college is really amazing. When I look back on this year it may not be my favorite, but I think it will be the year I learned the most. I have learned so much about other people its really intense.

The Lord has been so good to me. So good. He knows life is hard, but will never give us anything we can't handel. One thing I have learned...I can't be someones everything. This might not make sense, but let me elaborate. I'm not strong enough or anything enough to be there for someone all of the time. I can't do that. I shouldn't be someones life support because that is too hard. Sure I can listen and I can be strong, but I don't want to be the complete reason for someones happiness of misfortune. Ben figured this out, because even when things were tough..Which they still are...He didn't completely act like the world was crumbling even if he felt like it was. He trusted that what was happening had a reason, that God knew what he was doing. Even if I never talked to him again I think he would have stayed strong and been okay. I think. Hah. Some people don't understand that..I just can't be your everything its too hard. Jesus should be. Jesus wants to be. He wants to carry all of our burdens. We don't have too! How amazing is that?! It just blows my mind.

I am so in love! So in love with an amazing creator who knows what he is doing. Oh he really does. Becca and I took a trip down to the vending machines this evening after everything seemed to be falling apart. We are girls and of course we wanted dark chocolate. Becca places all 85 cents into the mouth of the vending machine, presses the buttons, and out comes 2 (yes TWO!) dove dark chocolate little piece of heaven. I'm not even kidding. It was just like wow...He does love us. Just a little reminder from him when everything seems to be falling down.

Alright well since this post is pretty much longer than anything I have ever written I should probably end it here. I hope this clears some things up for some people. Especially now that I know that people on both sides actually read this thing. Hah. I could change the world! Kidding.

One more thing...I have decided that I am going to write a book about this past week or so. I will go something like this:
Girl has everything.
Girl finds something new and interesting.
Girl lets go of amazing guy.
Crazy crazy crap happens (this is the climax..and i can't ruin it yet).
Girl realizes she has made a huge mistake.
Everyone back home hates girl.
Girl works harder than anything she has ever worked for before.
Happy Ending?

Maybe it will become a movie. Take that story with you to L.A.

For real. I am done now. Goodnight and Happy Monday.

I am so exhaused. I am tired in more than one sene of the word; physically, emotionally, and mentally. So many things have happened this week its almost surreal. Physically I am tired because it is impossible to get any sleep in this room. I've been going to bed late because I have had a lot on my mind and then getting woken up around 6:45 or 7. Depending. Its not that I want to get up...Lets just say that I am really excited that in 4 weeks I will never have to call room 268 mine ever again. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason I really ever wanted to transfer was because of my living situations here. Thats okay though because from now on I can control it. Amen.

Yesterday was one of the scariest and most intense days I have had in a long time. Well, maybe
not yesterday but last night. Where do I even begin? Let me start of my saying that some guys are just scary. Really truly scary. I can't believe that I let myself fall for all of his sweet talking and whatever it was only to find out that I was just going to be used and thrown out like every other girl before me. Who was I to think that I am any different from anyone else? It's a vicious cycle, let me tell you.

I guess I've made some pretty stupid decisions. Breaking up with Ben for one. I had the sweetest guy there for me, and he's still there for me, and I did such a horrible thing. Ahh...And to think that he's still waiting on me to come around. It's a beautiful beautiful thing. That my friends...Is love. I am scared about getting back together, because who knows what the future brings. It's scary. Anything could happen. But at the same time I trut that everything will be okay in the end. It is really nice that I do have Julie an Sadie to talk to about all of this. Its especially nice that Julie is going through much of the same situation. I don't know what I would do without them, because most people here just wouldn't understand. Most people are too "good" to do ever live a little bit and explore something beyond their comfort zone. Well, I certainly did and learned a lot from it.

Anyways, I must get going and start getting ready for my day. I have so much to do today thanks to a long weekend of slacking off. It's okay though...I enjoyed almost every minute of it.

A Tangled Web I Weave

So the past week has been pretty great. Filled with its ups and downs of course, but good for the most part. First of all I must say that I have some of the greatest friends that have been here for me. Julie, Sadie, and I have been hanging out a lot and just being completely crazy. We danced last night away at the marathon. Amazing. Can I just say if I could do that all day, everyday, I freaking would. I was never a big dancer. But lately, for some reason, I've just felt so free. I don't care what people think anymore. I just want to open and be me. It's amazing. I think its the whole being single thing. Not that I have done anything questionable, but its the fact that I can if I want to.

Maybe I'll be regretting breaking up with Ben eventually. I don't know. I can't really tell yet. Sure its hard at times, but I mean...It's supposed to be. I feel like I made the right decision, despite the hard times...Life certainly is not easy. Aside from the breakup, I now feel like I am setting myself up for another heartbreak. Maybe not. Maybe I am wrong. I just have this feeling. Thats not what I want to happen, obviously. It all just seems a little sketch. There is so much I just want to say here! But I can't...Because I don't know who the hell reads this.

So today was amazing. Woke up and went for a nice long run...Probably about 9 miles or so. I was tired though because I made the mistake of taking yesterday off. Bad plan. But I made it through. Let's see..Then this afternoon Sadie, Julie, John, and I went shopping and out to pizza hut. It was amazing. I am really excited to be rooming with them next year. We decided its just going to be a 24/7 dance party.

Alright I need to get a move on and finish cleaning here and then start some serious work. I have done nothing so far this weekend. Ew...I just have a really bad feeling about stuff right now and I don't like it. I just wish someone would tell me that it is all going to be okay and that I am doing the right thing, but no one does. Hmm.

Suffering Only Makes Us Stronger

So these past few weeks have been extremely intense. Filled with ups and downs, disappointments and some happiness. First of all, can we please just disregard the last post? Yes, I was hating this place...Lets be honest. I wasn't really talking to or hanging out with anyone and I can't stand living in this room. Things have gotten much better here though. I still hate living in this room, but I started to see that next year things are going to be much different and a lot more fun. I've got super fun roommates lined up for next year!

Yes, I am staying here. I am about 90% sure of that. I got rejected from Geneseo today. It's okay. A few days ago that would have been the most devestating news ever, but today I feel confident that they made the right decision in not accepting me. I let go of one of the greatest people in my life on Monday. It was extremely hard to do, but I really believe that it was the right decision, at least for now. I mean who knows what God has planned!

People probably think I am crazy for letting go of such a great guy, and maybe I am. But I felt confined and I just want to see what else is out there. I felt like I was starting to make decisions not based on what was best for me, but on what would suit or relationship better. That's just a bad plan. I am actually happy that I am staying here next year, because there are a lot of people that I would have missed a lot.

Lately, this room here has been pretty intense. It's like walking on egg shells because you never know which one of us is going to be crying. Well, Jenna doesn't cry...But Becca and I. Someone is always crying. Haha. O well...I believe things are only going to keep getting better from here. I still can't believe that Geneseo rejected me. That just hurts a little, but maybe the temptation of getting in would have been too strong and that would have driven me there. I'm going to be okay though...Better than okay..I'll be amazing. Our sufferings only make us stronger..That is for sure the truth!

On a happier note I have been a running fiend lately. It's just so comforting. When I run I don't have to worry about school or relationships or anything stressful. I can just run and run and run listening to nothing but my own breating and blood pounding in my ears. It's just a great feeling. Some other good things have also been happening. :-) So I know and trust that everything will be just great! Anyways, it is probably time that I get going because I need a shower since I just got done running. Then its off to jazz band, and finally some seriously hanging out and watching hockey. God Bless!

I have found that the only time I really write on here is when I am truly hating this place. Seriously...I could not wish for next year to come fast enough! I've decided to give this place one more try I think. At least one more semester when I am not confined to this messed up dorm room. I walk by other peoples rooms and they look like they actually have a good time. Not here...Our door is usually shut because one of us never stops studying. Our room is always pretty emotional because someone never stops thinking that everything is about her. One of us feels the need to pointedly put in ear plugs as an obvious sign that we are annoying her...Well here is my obvious sign.

I really can't wait to get out of here! I know I'll probably look back on this someday and think...I learned a lot that year. Yea, but learning something and enjoying yourself are two completely different things. I find it really unfair that many people get to enjoy themselves their freshmen year...College...It's so great, I would do it again! Thats what everyone says. Me...I would NEVER do this year again!

People ask me why I hate it here and one of the only things I can tell them is how much I hate my room. Hate is a strong word I know..But for this situation I don't even think it is strong enough. I feel like when I am here I have a mother who lives in the same room with me. O no its not just in the same house anymore...The same damn room! "What are you doing? What time does that start? When are you going to be back? I wouldn't do that if I was you. O I am just off to a very inspiring lecture." Just shut the hell up and leave me alone! I don't like you so don't talk to me...Hell, don't even look at me.

I feel so mean writing all of this up but it is all so true. I would like to see you try and live here. I think I would rather live with a stuck up blonde than in this room. Grove City College...They like to torture. Actually..Not true I must admit I totally brought this torture upon myself. Which is kind of ironic...I guess it just goes to show that you don't know who a person is until you live with them...

Getting Better...

So this place is getting better. I have found that the only time I am really miserable is when I am in my room. It is just an extremely annoying place to be let me tell you! Anyways, I think that next year might actually better and then I might be able to enjoy this place a little more. Right now I am just surrounded by some extreme people...There is nothing I can do to change that and I am learning a lot. When I look back, I don't think I would re-do this year for any amount of anything, but I think it will be a good learning experience. Coming to this school I guess I knew there would be some interesting...things.

So I have been trying to look beyond this stupid dorm and really enjoy everything else. I have found some pretty cool people. There are normal ones out there somewhere! Come next year I think my group of friends will change immensely, but that is just fine with me. Its actually way more than fine!

This week has been a really good week. Benjamin and I had an amazing talk and our relationship keeps getting stronger every day. It's crazy and it just blows my mind! I've been trying to keep up on my devotions and all that stuff as well. It's really hard here to get caught up in everything and just forget, but I have started making a real effort. My eyes were opened this week...For the first time I guess I realized that we in no way, shape, or form deserve God's blessings but He blesses us anyways! Can you believe it?! Even at my lowest of low, He blesses ME! Why?! How love can be that strong I just don't know, but it is amazing. So no matter how many chapters of the Bible I read, no matter how much I pray, or how many good deeds I do...That doesn't make me any better than anyone else! That is beautiful! I think a lot of people, especially here, compare themselves and their faith to other people...O well...

Anyways...Time to get out of this room! I need a shower...Good reason to leave I suppose. Peace out!

Life...

I offically hate this place. I went home this weekend and that was great...I love going home. Maybe I'll talk more about that when I am actually in a good mood. But then I come back here and its like a cloud descends upon me and I hate it. I have never once actually been happy to come back to this piece of crap of a school. So why am I even considering staying? The only reason I can really think of right now is that I like my computer...Haha. Pathetic I know...Not a good reason to stay.

I have so much work to do tonight and I am running on less than 3 hours of sleep...And I have been up since 7:30...Wonerful wonderful.

I don't know anymore. I don't know what it is about this place....I feel like I am surrounded by Christians who are trying to be perfect and one up each other all the time. Everyone does it! Even me...I know...Being a Christian is great. I don't know this sounds kinda wrong to say, but I am going to say it anyways cause it has been on my mind. Some people let their religion consume themselves and then I think they just become socially retarded. They don't know how to act normally in scoiety. There is nothing wrong with love Jesus and the whole sh'bang...But...I think when you do it to a point that you can't function normally in the world around you. That is a problem.

Part of being a Christian is reaching out to non-Christians...So honestly...Be normal. And people and their whole Calvinistic crap here! AH! Drives me insane! I need to get out of here...I am sick of being in this bubble surrounded by all the same people all of the time. For the most part if you go here you are either:
a. Type A Personality...Little Miss Perfect
b. Homeschooled and socially akward..
Granted there are acceptions...I do have some normal friends here. But not many...Anyways...I can't wait fow this semester to do over so I can leave and never look back!

Sorry if anyone was offended by this blog...Not like anyone actually gives a damn what I think anyways.