A Room in Pieces

I struggled all day with whether or not I was going to post this one. It is pretty personal and describes a lot of where I am at right now. So read with that in mind. As always your thoughts, comments, and criticisms are much appreciated.

I live inside a room of my own

Where all the “have dones” and “am doings”

Have been held hostage.

And the answer to their question: “Who are you?”

Sings out with my accomplishments.

Successes stacked in every corner

Relationships hidden beneath a veil

Failures pushed aside

And words of affirmation

Hanging like an oversized poster

I scream to make them believe,

“This is me!”

Twenty years without spring.

Devoid of growth and renewal

The walls begin to crack and fade.

Together rust and fists destroy, and

What was once my refuge is

Now my prison.

Amidst the wreckage I kneel,

Stunned and staring at what I’ve created .

Debris and broken relationships

Litter the floor,

But there she stands

Unwavering at the door

Gazing upon my brokenness,

These ruins together we created.

Time freezes as the weight of my actions

Bear down upon her.

Options and emotions begin pouring in,

Telling her to run – but we both know

She never will.

Through pain and tears she whispers

“Be still…”

Quiet and cautious, together we sit

Watching and waiting

For comfort, for healing, for restoration.

The Mask I Wear

Holy crap it has been way too long. I really don't have the time to write and post a full on blog at the moment, but I just finished this poem that I wanted to share. As an aspiring writer, I would love to hear your thoughts. If you are getting anxious because I haven't written in a while...Do not fear, finals are near! Which means that I will have a heck of a lot more time to freely write. Currently I am confined to particular subject matters, but sometimes the poetry just happens to spill out onto my notebook paper. Oops.

I think this is the first poem that I have shared with "the masses"...So hopefully it doesn't bomb. Here goes:

The alarm clock rings at 6a.m.

A limp arm reaches for silence

And slowly coming into focus,

Is another day of inner-violence.

Two feet drag across the floor

Searching for a greater force.

Any reason to make it out the door.

Into a world of meaningless hellos

Where life and death are the same,

And my hearts cry bellows.

A melancholy cry for change

Is muffled from within

Because I have made my exchange

This mask devoid of calling and passion

Highly decorated but cracked and dried

Worn because it promised life everlasting.

As time unwavering pushes onward

With obligations that must be filled

The line between slave and free, now blurred

Battling until they can rest again

Amidst the walls deemed safe

Thoughts of what could have been

Slowly fading are the muffled screams

As thoughts of life, passion, and meaning

Collide into a dream…

The alarm clock rings at 6a.m.

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

The desire to write often comes at the most inopportune times. Ideally I would be reading or clearing the mound of clothing off of my bed – I couldn’t decide what to wear this morning. Instead I am sitting here, on this corner of my bed that is, for the most part, cleared off, and I am typing away. When the thoughts are flowing, you can’t ignore them. Especially when it has been so long since this passion to write has been so alive.

I attended a dessert meeting this evening for students interested in becoming an RA. Even though I am already an RA, I had to attend since I am required to go through the application process for next year. Our director of Residence Life, who is one of the greatest people I know, talked to us about one of her passions, studying the founding fathers. She presented us with a quote by Abraham Lincoln – one that I know is going to stick with me for a long time:

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

Immediately, two questions came to mind – Who am I? And whatever I am, am I doing that well?

Jamie challenged us with these questions, and then put a spin on it. Instead of the word good, she put ‘faithful’ in its place:

“Whatever you are, be a faithful one.”

In the dictionary, faithful is defined as – steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant. It does not mean successful, important, or prosperous, but devoted and steady.

Who am I? That first question is one I have passionately been seeking an answer to for the past eight months. I never gave much thought to the question before last summer, but now it is one that lives with me every day. So who am I? What I know so far is this:

I am a daughter of the King, a woman of faith, a woman on her knees

I am a daughter to my parents

I am a sister

I am a friend

I am a student

I am an RA

I am an aspiring writer

That is all that I have so far, but I think it is a good start. Also, just know that I really only listed the practical ones. I left off many of the personality and character traits. (Oh, and I am also a sinner. But that is not something I am trying to do well or be faithful in doing.) My focus here was on who I am in the eyes of God, who He has created me to be.

Now for the second question, am I doing all of these things well? Am I being faithful? Asking myself that question opened my eyes. Suddenly it is not about being successful, but about being faithful. I should be who I was created to be faithfully, pouring all of my heart and soul into it. I may not be “successful” at any of these things, but that doesn’t matter. It is when I do all things faithfully and to the best of my ability, that I am truly me.

I hate to cut this short, but I really want to post tonight and I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. If I have time tomorrow I will elaborate and hopefully hit this idea home a bit more. Goodnight friends.

Transparencies

Finding the time these days to write strictly for my own enjoyment and reflection is a difficult task. With 15 credits, RA duties, Collegian writing, lifeguarding certification classes starting, racquetball, and who knows what else, I have my overwhelming moments. I have decided to write again because I have no choice, especially when I have particularly difficult thoughts and decisions being wrestled with. Despite the craziness around me, taking the time to write and reflect is as natural and necessary to me as breathing. Many may not understand how writing can fill such a void, but we all have something that ultimately keeps us alive.

It’s different for everyone, coming in a variety of forms. Some find life outdoors, in photography, in music, in helping others, in art, the list can go on. Whatever it is, everyone has a passion. And these passions are our worship, at least for me. I worship best, am moved most, feel peace and comfort most when I have a pen in hand or keyboard beneath my fingers.

I am not telling you to worship your passions or to become dependent upon them alone, but to make sure that you are using them as instruments of worship to the one true God. He is the one who places these passions and desires on our hearts in the first place, so it is only natural to use them for His glory.

Lately when I write I can’t help but bring Him into it, even in articles that I write for the school paper. Lucky for me I am going to a Christian school. That is sunny and great and all, but I have no desire to make a living by shoving my Christian ideologies, meant for fellow believers, down the throat of the world. I would probably get fired by the New York Times if I ever submitted them one of my article from The Collegian (school paper), and the reverse is also true. So what does that mean? Have we as Christians lost the ability to relate with the world around us?

I write these articles for the school paper conforming to their conservative Christian worldview, ultimately disregarding what the rest of the world would see or say if they read them. Long term I have no intentions of writing for any type of independent Christian organization or settling down in the world of “Christendom.” I think it is okay right now, because I am not yet strong enough to face the world on my own. This school for me is a place to grow so that I can go out on my own, not a place or culture to settle into. I wish that really was the call and cry of Grove City College. When we look below the surface, what is really going on here? Few students actually take what they have learned and the ways that they have grown in their faith to actually impact the world. Instead they take it and “impact” the already Christian community. No offense, but they don’t need it as much as the rest of the world does.

This semester I am taking a humanities course that continually condemns the use of technology. While I agree with the professor in some aspects (that technology has contributed to the breakdown of community), there other are ways in which we don’t see eye to eye. For example, this professor praises the Amish community almost daily. I admit their sense of community with one another surpasses anything that we have today, but who else are they in community with aside from one another? What are they really doing for the world and those who don’t have a clue who Jesus is? In my opinion, the woman who wears jeans and t-shirts, who owns a cell phone and computer, who may appear to belong to the world but has something “different” about her, will have a greater impact on the Kingdom than the woman who only tells her story to a community who has heard it before. Not only have they heard this woman’s story before, but chances are that they have all lived it themselves.

I think the last time that I wrote was on much the same topic so I apologize, but it is an issue that I have been wrestling with almost daily. How do I take the many good things that I have learned here, discovering my passions, finding myself, growing in my faith, and use them out in the real world? How do I live out in the world with my fellow sinners yet remain separate and keep my values intact? I don’t think that I will be able to answer this question until I am forced to live it.

If I am ready, maybe an opportunity will present itself this summer in the form of a journalism internship. I almost refuse to write for any specifically “Christian” publication. I do enough of that for The Collegian. What we need, and I have said this before, is not Christian magazines or newspapers, but Christians writing for the magazines and newspaper that the world reads.

I am excited to begin using the skills that I have acquired over the past 3 years and use them in the real world with my fellow sinners. My sins are just as great, if not greater than, the guy next door who has no concept or idea of who Jesus is, so why is it that we are often in the habit of coming across as “holier than thou”? Being transparent in the way that we live our lives, being unafraid to bear our sins and weaknesses to one another, is a powerful thing. I don’t know when the world started to assume that Christians are these perfect high beings, but I hate it. And I strongly dislike Christians who affirm that view. There has to be a way that we can break that mold and the world’s misconceptions, allowing the real Jesus to shine. Let’s be transparent.

Oh and P.S. I am putting up some new pictures from throughout the semester. I believe it is time for an update.

The Christian Subculture

So this blog is completely unplanned and I have decided to let my thoughts and my fingers on these keys wander where they please. Until tonight I didn’t have any real coherent thoughts to put onto paper. Not any that I am willing to make available to the general public at least. I was okay with lack of ideas to be honest, because I have legitimate amounts of work to do in the next ten days. This includes three papers (all for English classes) and a genetics exam of death. So of course Jesus likes to speak to me and make me all excited when I have a lot of work to do. I am sure he probably thinks that it’s funny, reminding me that school is great but getting so worked up about Him that I have to share it with the world is even better.

Today, at good old Grove City College I got really excited about Jesus. I heard a speaker that had me so lost in the message I couldn’t help but sit on the very edge of my seat. I was hanging on his every word because this guy was speaking truth. He was speaking the very truth into this Christian community that I have wanted to scream at them for the past three weeks.

Some people were paying attention and others quite obviously were not, but I can only hope that this message, this view of Christianity got through to a few people.

I kind of felt bad for those listening who come from a very conservative Christian background as he practically slammed this “Christian culture” that we have created. Anyways here we go, the message of John Fischer reiterated and interpreted in the words of Alex Omicioli.

Let’s be completely honest with ourselves here and admit that the word “Christian” today does not sit well with many people. You hear that world and you think of a distinct group of people that tear down, despise the immoral, and hate. Hate? How, when we profess to serve the God of love, did the word hate ever become associated with Christians? Let’s not cast a silver lining over anything here, people do indeed view Christians as people that have a hatred towards others. Little red flags should be going up in your head right about now.

How is it that such a word ever become associated with our God?

1. We have been more focused on the sin than on the sinner.

Everyone says love the sin and hate the sinner, but how many sinners have you loved today? The example that John used was that of homosexuality. Bring up homosexuality in Christian circles and it is only a matter of time before someone pipes in with the ever popular, “love the sin but hate the sinner,” mantra. But his challenge was this, how many homosexuals have you actually loved lately? Not that you said you loved or that you tried to fix, but actually loved. It suddenly got a bit stuffy in that old chapel as people shifted uncomfortably in their seats at the mention of this forbidden topic. I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

So here is the root of the issue: Ultimately you aren’t going to be able to love any sinners until you love yourself. You (and I mean, I) alone are the worst sinner that every lived. Until you recognize that, your ability to actually love and accept others who are really just like you is going to be rather limited. As Jesus would say, get that telephone pole out of your own eye before trying to remove the tiny piece of lint out of your neighbors.

2. We have been selfishly more concerned about our own safety and protection, living in fear of the world.

Christians today have created this Christian subculture. In this culture that we have created, we never even have to leave the realm of Christendom. We have Christian everything! People home school their children, send them to private Christian schools, hire Christian plumbers, drink coffee from the Christian coffee shop, listen to Christian music, read Christian books, and watch Christian movies. Am I getting the point across?

What are we so afraid of that we have felt the need to protect ourselves from the world with this Christian subculture? This need for safety has come from fear, but fear has no place in the Christian faith.

What we need is not all of these “Christian” alternatives but Christians who are willing to go out and live in the world. The light and salt of Jesus is never going to spread if we are keeping it within the Christian community. Christians are not the people who need the salt and light, it is the world that needs it! So let’s get out there and give it to them.

3. We have bought into the politics of this nation, believing that only true Christians are living in the red states (if you know what I mean).

The point that John really drove home here was that both political parties have flaws. There are things within each that the Christian can agree and disagree upon; nothing is ever going to be black and white because there are no real truths in either party, only shades of grey. If this is the case for both parties, why are we getting so worked up over politics, something that has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus?

4. We have become the self-appointed line of defense that God doesn’t need and certainly never asked for.

It has become our primary concern to make sure that prayer stays in schools, that the word ‘God’ stays in the pledge of allegiance, and that Intelligent Design is taught to our children. How is waging these wars loving? These battles are just that, a war that Christians are determined to win. If God wants these things to remain in the public realm then He is going to keep them there, and He most certainly did not ask us to fight these battles for Him.

These are just a few examples that John gave that really hit home for me. This is why the people today see Christians as people separate from the world, a subculture that has the word hate associated with their name. They see us as a group that stirs up trouble, who professes to love their neighbors, but only ever gives off negative energy. They hear the word Christian and shrink away in fear. Wouldn’t it be something if instead of a fear of Christians people thought instead, “Hey those Christians may have some screwy beliefs, but they don’t judge, they are filled with love, compassion, and concern for others.” When John said those words I was shocked into a stunned silence. If people who had never experienced Jesus before began saying things like that about Christians, the world would be a completely different place. In the meantime, it is a world that I can dream about. It is something that I myself can work on and attempt to live out.

This message just stirred me up all over again. I can’t wait to get out into the world and show them the Jesus I know. In the meantime I guess I can practice on a few Grovers who need this Jesus just as much.

An Unexpected Realization

I went to New York City for one weekend and there I met Jesus. I didn't meet him in the lights and overwhelming extravagance of the city, but in a small gathering of people worshiping together in a small theater in Harlem.

For the first time in months, years even, I felt the presence of God with every fiber of my being.

Everything that I have been reading about, praying over, searching for, it has all suddenly been affirmed. I no longer just want to talk about these ideas, but I want to live them.

I am willing to talk to anyone who will listen to m

e for 15 minutes about this church and the experience I had there. My poor roommate and residence life staff, some of them have already witnessed my excitement.

This church completely took any expectations you may have previously had about church and shattered them. This wasn't a church but a community. It was community infested with people of every size, color, shape, style, and theology imaginable yet they all had two things in common.

They all recognize their brokenness.

They all see their deep need for Jesus.

Christianity to them is not a religion of rules that bind you to doctrinal theology, but a relationship. It is about a relationship with Jesus and relationships with one another.

When did church become a static institution instead of a dynamic community?

I sat in church on Sunday and could not help but think that this must have been what the early church was like. The congregation was engaged and interacting throughout the entire service. Not just when told they could now greet one another or when they were permitted to offer up prayer requests, but from the call to worship through communion and during the message everyone was engaged.

I want to live as a light on this campus and everywhere that I go. The question that I have now is what does that look like?

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can to make Jesus shine in my life all of the time. Putting on that outward smile and pretending to be on fire for him when I go out only leads to burnout and disappointment. That is not what I am trying to achieve.

All that I really want to do is worship and serve him with everything that I have in me. I want to praise him from the time that I wake up in the morning until I am ready for bed at night. If serving and worshiping Jesus was my every focus and aim, then I don't doubt everything else will fall into place.

Through him I am going to learn how to love, how to listen, and how to serve. Because of him my vision of community and living life with passion will catch on. I will begin to see him in even the smallest things. If my life is consumed by him, he will be able to show me truth in all of creation, not just what the church has deemed "Christian."

I have been jumping out of my skin with excitement all day. I feel like I'm in middle school all over again just coming back from a youth retreat, but actually all I did was spend a couple of hours in Harlem.

So now what? There are a couple of questions that I have been asking myself and wrestling with since being back at school.

1. Where do I go from here? Do I transfer schools and become a part of this community that gets it or do I stay here and try to make this vision come alive on this campus?

2. How do I act on these feelings and actually live them out right now?

Both of these are questions that I am seeking guidance in trying to answer and diligently praying through them.

What I have come up with for the second question is just to love on people. This campus is filled with broken people, more broken I think than many people living in the city. It is infested with this don't talk about it, go at it alone, your best is never good enough mentality. There are people that think they have it all figured out yet they have no idea who Jesus really is. These are the students that I want to love. I would love to break down their walls and barriers and just get into the heart of who they are.

There have been a number of people working on me for a few months now to get me to this place. They have shared their dreams and ideas, and my life will never be the same because of them.

I feel like I am finally getting it. I am finally at the place where I want to see this vision come to fruition and I want to see it grow. I don't have some big master plan to change the world, but I do have Jesus and I have myself. I have my time and the ability to invest and love on people one at a time. I like to think that we can take this world by storm working together one person at a time.

A Bit of a Response

A good friend of mine recently tagged me in a very provocative note on facebook. If you want to read it so you know what I am talking about, just go to my facebook page and check out the notes that I'm tagged in.

What struck me most was the truth embodied in her writing. She was talking about herself, but I can resonate with her in many areas of my own life. I'll admit that it's scary sometimes how similar we are or the ways that we understand each other. Is it crazy that we have yet to actually meet? I can't help but sit here and smirk at that one.

Anyways, this is not meant to be about Joelle (sorry dude) but rather her post. She talked about the red pill. You know, the one that Neo decided upon in The Matrix? He chose to live completely aware of the reality surrounding him. He chose to take it full on, no longer living in oblivion to the truth.

I think we forget today how easy it is to do just that. We live our lives, following the rules, taking everything as it comes and dealing with it the way we have been taught how. Do we really even think for ourselves anymore or do we just let others, our parents, teachers, pastors, and friends, do it for us? Actually living in the world, thinking and developing your own ideas is scary as hell, but I would rather feel pain, fear, and sorrow and live in the truth than feel nothing at all.

I am just thinking about all of these preconceived notions that the church and the world today throw upon us and it almost angers me. They give us the black and white, the wrong and right, they tell us what this is rather than allow us to think and wrestle through these issues on our own. When was the last time that you really thought about and studied issues such as premarital sex, homosexuality, adultery, and divorce?

These topics are hardly mentioned in churches today let alone prayed though, thought about, and dealt with in terms of our culture today. Most of us have heard all of our lives that these things are 'wrong.' But why? That question we almost always shy away from.

Well, I am tired of it. I am tired of waking up every morning acting and thinking in ways that I have been told to. I am taking the reigns back, and giving them solely to my creator. I am learning to really live with Jesus as my one and only teacher. Yeah it's going to be a long and difficult journey, because this thinking is unlike all that I was brought up with. It may turn a lot of my beliefs and ideas upside down, but that is what I am looking for after all. There has to be more out there. Jesus did not come to restrict us in our thinking but to set us free. When the hell are people going to realize that?

This 'red pill' mentality, this being set free, is where true joy lies. This freedom allows me to seek out truth in everything and everywhere. Here's a bold statement for some of you Grover types, but truth is not just found in the Bible. Truth can be found everywhere. I am a believer in absolute truth, absolutely, but I know that God can reveal Himself to me anywhere, at anytime, through anything. He is God after all.