Empty Apologies

As human beings we have a great capacity for hurt. It is often easier to hurt than to love. We are selfish, spiteful, judgmental, closed-minded...and the list goes on. There are days like today when the realization of the pain that I have inflicted on people knocks the breath out of me.

We are constantly trying to convince ourselves that each individual person is responsible for themselves. This is true to an extent, but we are lying to ourselves if we think that we don't severely impact people every day. It is up to us to decide whether or not we use that impact positively or negatively.

I hate the pain I cause. I hate the pain I am going to cause.

But sometimes - it all seems inevitable.

Scribbles

There are days that I scream to be real.

I have a strong desire to peel away the mask that has been plastered on.

And then there are times when I wonder if it is even a mask at all or simply influences from all that surrounds me.

Church, family, friends - each with its own associated stigmas and pressures. What is real? What is right? Who am I?

-A question that has been asked by millions who have gone before me.

I know who I am to an extent - I know what I am passionate about, what my desires are, who I love...

...But even these are always changing.

With the great capacity that I have for love and life, comes the same capacity for the opposite.

It is crazy when you think about it really.

I see my life as my own personal mission. It is a mission that everyone is on whether they realize it or not -

I am not out to accuse, to discover right versus wrong, to condemn - but to find what He has for me.

I am of the belief that if my focus is upward, all else will fall into place - despite what the institution tells me.

But what I am convinced my eyes are on Him and they are convinced their gaze is upward - and we still agree to disagree?

Then what?

Sorry about all the nonsense ramblings. There has been a lot on my mind lately - I guess that is one of the things that comes with this Christian walk. I think too much sometimes and ask way too many questions.

Being stuck here amongst conservative Christian students can be stifling - all the more reason for me to exercise my inquisitive faculties and get them riled up.

I hate the idea of blindly accepting what has been put before you as a maturing Christian. Ones faith as a child serves as a foundation - but there comes a time when you have to begin thinking on your own.

All I am saying is that many people here never do that. They take what parents, pastors, and professors have to say without thinking about it themselves.

Well-

That. Won't. Be. Me.

Twice As Bold

I took my power in my hand

And went against the world;

'T was not so much as David had,

But I was twice as bold.

I aimed my pebble, but myself

Was all the one that fell.

Was it Goliath was too large,

Or only I too small?

-E. Dickinson

Poetry is taking over my life. While I haven't been writing much these days, I have been reading excessively.

I was flipping through my volume of Dickinson this afternoon and this poem jumped off the page and spoke. I love its opening lines: "I took my power in my hand / And went against the world;"

There are many meanings that can come from this poem, I don't know where to begin. I am not sure if telling you what I think really even matters - it is up to each of us to find meaning in anything. I guess I am just out to provide food for thought. I love thinking and prompting thought - deep discussions fuel me. Do they leave me exhausted and sometimes defeated? Definitely. But they also allow me to grow as a person, to open up my mind to new ideas, expand my semantic networks. Semantic networks - learned about those in psychology and I just love the idea and imagery of it all.

Our mind is a network of ideas and things learned, one that we are ever expanding and adding to. There is an endless possibility to what we can learn and our brains are never full. I love the idea of new thoughts being added and connecting to the old. - And all of these networks connecting and weaving within one another make up our very own semantic network.

I apologize for the choppiness of my writing here. It has been a while and my thoughts are scattered. I plan to continue writing - And post more of my own poems soon! Until then I'll keep putting up poems from my favorites for sustenance.