The 'I' Factor

I have been home now for a total of 5 days. I love being home. I think that I just become more appreciative of all the things here that I miss while at school. It is mostly just the simple things, like John coming into my room in the morning to wake me up, running errands with my mom, driving to a friends house late at night just because, or even loading and unloading the dishwasher. None of these things I can really do while at school, so being able to appreciate them now is truly a blessing. I watch my 13-year old sister now in all of her teenage glory, arguing with my mom over nothing, fighting with my siblings, refusing to clean her room, and it makes me want to knock some sense into her, lovingly of course. I know I had the same attitude when I was her age, but now I just want to make her realize that mom was right (and still is) after all these years. Once again that just brings me back to the whole, you live and you learn spiel. That seems to be a recurring theme with my recent blogs.

I have been spending a lot of time alone since being home, or least I have been trying to. The happenings of the past couple of weeks have just been so confusing and intense that some time to reflect, think, and pray is all I have left in me to do. The best times alone have come when I have gone out for run (Which has severely been hindered thanks to the snow!) or when I go for a drive. I don't know if I have been getting any cut and dry answers, but I have been given peace about the situation that I am in. One thing I have been learning about myself is that I need to be more patient. People that know me will tell you that once I get an idea in my head I run with it, and I run fast. I don't usually take my time thinking anything through. One second I am going to be a doctor, the next I want to be a teacher, then I want to be a nurse, and the next thing you know I am adding an English major. It is quite comical really.

I know it's not just me who does that though. We all do on some level. How do we combat that? It is easy for me right now to say that when the next impulsive decision comes along I will be able to take my time, slow down, and actually think but I am not so sure. My experiences these past couple weeks, maybe they have been enough to shake me a little.

I have also learned to lower my expectations, or higher them I suppose. It's complicated. I have been expecting too much from God, if that's possible. It's not that I don't think God can't give me what I am hoping for or what I am 'expecting', I just think that expecting anything from God is a waste of time. He knows what is best and it certainly is not always what you are anticipating. So why place limitations on Him? Why 'expect' that He is always going to act in your life a certain way? Is it frustrating? Obviously. I wish right now that I could share with you what I mean by all of this and share my personal example, but I can't bring myself to do it. Especially since I know I have a bit of a fan base out there. Let's see...For quite some time I thought I had my life figured out, I thought I knew where I was going, where everything was headed. But that is just it, I thought, I thought, I thought. But what on earth did my Savior God, Lord of heaven and of earth, what did HE think? Do we even take the time to stop and ask Him or do we just assume that because we are 'happy' that must be His plan too? Maybe we need to spend some time on our knees asking Him what He wants, because He will show us. If you desire more than anything to be doing the Lord's will, even when you feel like you are aimlessly wandering in the darkness, He will not lead you astray. You will end up right where He wants you. That is the beautiful thing about it. One of my favorite things to do is look back on my old journals, my old prayer requests and all my old worries and to see how the Lord got me through each and every one of those things. Chances are that in a couple of years I am going to look back on everything going on now and be able to have a good laugh. My life may seem like a daytime drama right now, but I know that it only goes up from here.