Transparencies

Finding the time these days to write strictly for my own enjoyment and reflection is a difficult task. With 15 credits, RA duties, Collegian writing, lifeguarding certification classes starting, racquetball, and who knows what else, I have my overwhelming moments. I have decided to write again because I have no choice, especially when I have particularly difficult thoughts and decisions being wrestled with. Despite the craziness around me, taking the time to write and reflect is as natural and necessary to me as breathing. Many may not understand how writing can fill such a void, but we all have something that ultimately keeps us alive.

It’s different for everyone, coming in a variety of forms. Some find life outdoors, in photography, in music, in helping others, in art, the list can go on. Whatever it is, everyone has a passion. And these passions are our worship, at least for me. I worship best, am moved most, feel peace and comfort most when I have a pen in hand or keyboard beneath my fingers.

I am not telling you to worship your passions or to become dependent upon them alone, but to make sure that you are using them as instruments of worship to the one true God. He is the one who places these passions and desires on our hearts in the first place, so it is only natural to use them for His glory.

Lately when I write I can’t help but bring Him into it, even in articles that I write for the school paper. Lucky for me I am going to a Christian school. That is sunny and great and all, but I have no desire to make a living by shoving my Christian ideologies, meant for fellow believers, down the throat of the world. I would probably get fired by the New York Times if I ever submitted them one of my article from The Collegian (school paper), and the reverse is also true. So what does that mean? Have we as Christians lost the ability to relate with the world around us?

I write these articles for the school paper conforming to their conservative Christian worldview, ultimately disregarding what the rest of the world would see or say if they read them. Long term I have no intentions of writing for any type of independent Christian organization or settling down in the world of “Christendom.” I think it is okay right now, because I am not yet strong enough to face the world on my own. This school for me is a place to grow so that I can go out on my own, not a place or culture to settle into. I wish that really was the call and cry of Grove City College. When we look below the surface, what is really going on here? Few students actually take what they have learned and the ways that they have grown in their faith to actually impact the world. Instead they take it and “impact” the already Christian community. No offense, but they don’t need it as much as the rest of the world does.

This semester I am taking a humanities course that continually condemns the use of technology. While I agree with the professor in some aspects (that technology has contributed to the breakdown of community), there other are ways in which we don’t see eye to eye. For example, this professor praises the Amish community almost daily. I admit their sense of community with one another surpasses anything that we have today, but who else are they in community with aside from one another? What are they really doing for the world and those who don’t have a clue who Jesus is? In my opinion, the woman who wears jeans and t-shirts, who owns a cell phone and computer, who may appear to belong to the world but has something “different” about her, will have a greater impact on the Kingdom than the woman who only tells her story to a community who has heard it before. Not only have they heard this woman’s story before, but chances are that they have all lived it themselves.

I think the last time that I wrote was on much the same topic so I apologize, but it is an issue that I have been wrestling with almost daily. How do I take the many good things that I have learned here, discovering my passions, finding myself, growing in my faith, and use them out in the real world? How do I live out in the world with my fellow sinners yet remain separate and keep my values intact? I don’t think that I will be able to answer this question until I am forced to live it.

If I am ready, maybe an opportunity will present itself this summer in the form of a journalism internship. I almost refuse to write for any specifically “Christian” publication. I do enough of that for The Collegian. What we need, and I have said this before, is not Christian magazines or newspapers, but Christians writing for the magazines and newspaper that the world reads.

I am excited to begin using the skills that I have acquired over the past 3 years and use them in the real world with my fellow sinners. My sins are just as great, if not greater than, the guy next door who has no concept or idea of who Jesus is, so why is it that we are often in the habit of coming across as “holier than thou”? Being transparent in the way that we live our lives, being unafraid to bear our sins and weaknesses to one another, is a powerful thing. I don’t know when the world started to assume that Christians are these perfect high beings, but I hate it. And I strongly dislike Christians who affirm that view. There has to be a way that we can break that mold and the world’s misconceptions, allowing the real Jesus to shine. Let’s be transparent.

Oh and P.S. I am putting up some new pictures from throughout the semester. I believe it is time for an update.

The Christian Subculture

So this blog is completely unplanned and I have decided to let my thoughts and my fingers on these keys wander where they please. Until tonight I didn’t have any real coherent thoughts to put onto paper. Not any that I am willing to make available to the general public at least. I was okay with lack of ideas to be honest, because I have legitimate amounts of work to do in the next ten days. This includes three papers (all for English classes) and a genetics exam of death. So of course Jesus likes to speak to me and make me all excited when I have a lot of work to do. I am sure he probably thinks that it’s funny, reminding me that school is great but getting so worked up about Him that I have to share it with the world is even better.

Today, at good old Grove City College I got really excited about Jesus. I heard a speaker that had me so lost in the message I couldn’t help but sit on the very edge of my seat. I was hanging on his every word because this guy was speaking truth. He was speaking the very truth into this Christian community that I have wanted to scream at them for the past three weeks.

Some people were paying attention and others quite obviously were not, but I can only hope that this message, this view of Christianity got through to a few people.

I kind of felt bad for those listening who come from a very conservative Christian background as he practically slammed this “Christian culture” that we have created. Anyways here we go, the message of John Fischer reiterated and interpreted in the words of Alex Omicioli.

Let’s be completely honest with ourselves here and admit that the word “Christian” today does not sit well with many people. You hear that world and you think of a distinct group of people that tear down, despise the immoral, and hate. Hate? How, when we profess to serve the God of love, did the word hate ever become associated with Christians? Let’s not cast a silver lining over anything here, people do indeed view Christians as people that have a hatred towards others. Little red flags should be going up in your head right about now.

How is it that such a word ever become associated with our God?

1. We have been more focused on the sin than on the sinner.

Everyone says love the sin and hate the sinner, but how many sinners have you loved today? The example that John used was that of homosexuality. Bring up homosexuality in Christian circles and it is only a matter of time before someone pipes in with the ever popular, “love the sin but hate the sinner,” mantra. But his challenge was this, how many homosexuals have you actually loved lately? Not that you said you loved or that you tried to fix, but actually loved. It suddenly got a bit stuffy in that old chapel as people shifted uncomfortably in their seats at the mention of this forbidden topic. I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

So here is the root of the issue: Ultimately you aren’t going to be able to love any sinners until you love yourself. You (and I mean, I) alone are the worst sinner that every lived. Until you recognize that, your ability to actually love and accept others who are really just like you is going to be rather limited. As Jesus would say, get that telephone pole out of your own eye before trying to remove the tiny piece of lint out of your neighbors.

2. We have been selfishly more concerned about our own safety and protection, living in fear of the world.

Christians today have created this Christian subculture. In this culture that we have created, we never even have to leave the realm of Christendom. We have Christian everything! People home school their children, send them to private Christian schools, hire Christian plumbers, drink coffee from the Christian coffee shop, listen to Christian music, read Christian books, and watch Christian movies. Am I getting the point across?

What are we so afraid of that we have felt the need to protect ourselves from the world with this Christian subculture? This need for safety has come from fear, but fear has no place in the Christian faith.

What we need is not all of these “Christian” alternatives but Christians who are willing to go out and live in the world. The light and salt of Jesus is never going to spread if we are keeping it within the Christian community. Christians are not the people who need the salt and light, it is the world that needs it! So let’s get out there and give it to them.

3. We have bought into the politics of this nation, believing that only true Christians are living in the red states (if you know what I mean).

The point that John really drove home here was that both political parties have flaws. There are things within each that the Christian can agree and disagree upon; nothing is ever going to be black and white because there are no real truths in either party, only shades of grey. If this is the case for both parties, why are we getting so worked up over politics, something that has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus?

4. We have become the self-appointed line of defense that God doesn’t need and certainly never asked for.

It has become our primary concern to make sure that prayer stays in schools, that the word ‘God’ stays in the pledge of allegiance, and that Intelligent Design is taught to our children. How is waging these wars loving? These battles are just that, a war that Christians are determined to win. If God wants these things to remain in the public realm then He is going to keep them there, and He most certainly did not ask us to fight these battles for Him.

These are just a few examples that John gave that really hit home for me. This is why the people today see Christians as people separate from the world, a subculture that has the word hate associated with their name. They see us as a group that stirs up trouble, who professes to love their neighbors, but only ever gives off negative energy. They hear the word Christian and shrink away in fear. Wouldn’t it be something if instead of a fear of Christians people thought instead, “Hey those Christians may have some screwy beliefs, but they don’t judge, they are filled with love, compassion, and concern for others.” When John said those words I was shocked into a stunned silence. If people who had never experienced Jesus before began saying things like that about Christians, the world would be a completely different place. In the meantime, it is a world that I can dream about. It is something that I myself can work on and attempt to live out.

This message just stirred me up all over again. I can’t wait to get out into the world and show them the Jesus I know. In the meantime I guess I can practice on a few Grovers who need this Jesus just as much.

An Unexpected Realization

I went to New York City for one weekend and there I met Jesus. I didn't meet him in the lights and overwhelming extravagance of the city, but in a small gathering of people worshiping together in a small theater in Harlem.

For the first time in months, years even, I felt the presence of God with every fiber of my being.

Everything that I have been reading about, praying over, searching for, it has all suddenly been affirmed. I no longer just want to talk about these ideas, but I want to live them.

I am willing to talk to anyone who will listen to m

e for 15 minutes about this church and the experience I had there. My poor roommate and residence life staff, some of them have already witnessed my excitement.

This church completely took any expectations you may have previously had about church and shattered them. This wasn't a church but a community. It was community infested with people of every size, color, shape, style, and theology imaginable yet they all had two things in common.

They all recognize their brokenness.

They all see their deep need for Jesus.

Christianity to them is not a religion of rules that bind you to doctrinal theology, but a relationship. It is about a relationship with Jesus and relationships with one another.

When did church become a static institution instead of a dynamic community?

I sat in church on Sunday and could not help but think that this must have been what the early church was like. The congregation was engaged and interacting throughout the entire service. Not just when told they could now greet one another or when they were permitted to offer up prayer requests, but from the call to worship through communion and during the message everyone was engaged.

I want to live as a light on this campus and everywhere that I go. The question that I have now is what does that look like?

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can to make Jesus shine in my life all of the time. Putting on that outward smile and pretending to be on fire for him when I go out only leads to burnout and disappointment. That is not what I am trying to achieve.

All that I really want to do is worship and serve him with everything that I have in me. I want to praise him from the time that I wake up in the morning until I am ready for bed at night. If serving and worshiping Jesus was my every focus and aim, then I don't doubt everything else will fall into place.

Through him I am going to learn how to love, how to listen, and how to serve. Because of him my vision of community and living life with passion will catch on. I will begin to see him in even the smallest things. If my life is consumed by him, he will be able to show me truth in all of creation, not just what the church has deemed "Christian."

I have been jumping out of my skin with excitement all day. I feel like I'm in middle school all over again just coming back from a youth retreat, but actually all I did was spend a couple of hours in Harlem.

So now what? There are a couple of questions that I have been asking myself and wrestling with since being back at school.

1. Where do I go from here? Do I transfer schools and become a part of this community that gets it or do I stay here and try to make this vision come alive on this campus?

2. How do I act on these feelings and actually live them out right now?

Both of these are questions that I am seeking guidance in trying to answer and diligently praying through them.

What I have come up with for the second question is just to love on people. This campus is filled with broken people, more broken I think than many people living in the city. It is infested with this don't talk about it, go at it alone, your best is never good enough mentality. There are people that think they have it all figured out yet they have no idea who Jesus really is. These are the students that I want to love. I would love to break down their walls and barriers and just get into the heart of who they are.

There have been a number of people working on me for a few months now to get me to this place. They have shared their dreams and ideas, and my life will never be the same because of them.

I feel like I am finally getting it. I am finally at the place where I want to see this vision come to fruition and I want to see it grow. I don't have some big master plan to change the world, but I do have Jesus and I have myself. I have my time and the ability to invest and love on people one at a time. I like to think that we can take this world by storm working together one person at a time.

A Bit of a Response

A good friend of mine recently tagged me in a very provocative note on facebook. If you want to read it so you know what I am talking about, just go to my facebook page and check out the notes that I'm tagged in.

What struck me most was the truth embodied in her writing. She was talking about herself, but I can resonate with her in many areas of my own life. I'll admit that it's scary sometimes how similar we are or the ways that we understand each other. Is it crazy that we have yet to actually meet? I can't help but sit here and smirk at that one.

Anyways, this is not meant to be about Joelle (sorry dude) but rather her post. She talked about the red pill. You know, the one that Neo decided upon in The Matrix? He chose to live completely aware of the reality surrounding him. He chose to take it full on, no longer living in oblivion to the truth.

I think we forget today how easy it is to do just that. We live our lives, following the rules, taking everything as it comes and dealing with it the way we have been taught how. Do we really even think for ourselves anymore or do we just let others, our parents, teachers, pastors, and friends, do it for us? Actually living in the world, thinking and developing your own ideas is scary as hell, but I would rather feel pain, fear, and sorrow and live in the truth than feel nothing at all.

I am just thinking about all of these preconceived notions that the church and the world today throw upon us and it almost angers me. They give us the black and white, the wrong and right, they tell us what this is rather than allow us to think and wrestle through these issues on our own. When was the last time that you really thought about and studied issues such as premarital sex, homosexuality, adultery, and divorce?

These topics are hardly mentioned in churches today let alone prayed though, thought about, and dealt with in terms of our culture today. Most of us have heard all of our lives that these things are 'wrong.' But why? That question we almost always shy away from.

Well, I am tired of it. I am tired of waking up every morning acting and thinking in ways that I have been told to. I am taking the reigns back, and giving them solely to my creator. I am learning to really live with Jesus as my one and only teacher. Yeah it's going to be a long and difficult journey, because this thinking is unlike all that I was brought up with. It may turn a lot of my beliefs and ideas upside down, but that is what I am looking for after all. There has to be more out there. Jesus did not come to restrict us in our thinking but to set us free. When the hell are people going to realize that?

This 'red pill' mentality, this being set free, is where true joy lies. This freedom allows me to seek out truth in everything and everywhere. Here's a bold statement for some of you Grover types, but truth is not just found in the Bible. Truth can be found everywhere. I am a believer in absolute truth, absolutely, but I know that God can reveal Himself to me anywhere, at anytime, through anything. He is God after all.

Amidst the Brokenness

While my life is constantly changing, writing is something I hope will always remain constant. At the end of the day I can always come back to it despite my views, thoughts, or feelings. I was asked today to write an article for the school newspaper. Just a small piece on the racquetball team, but it's something. I don't remember who I was talking with not too long ago, but they encouraged me to look into writing for the paper so I will have some sample pieces written. If there was anyone who really wanted to check out my writing style I suppose I could point them in the direction of my blog, but these aren't exactly proofread or written with a professional air about them. Anyways I was asked to write this piece, and I didn't even need to go through the hassle of finding those in charge and asking how I could be involved. God is so good!

[Just a really random side note that should hardly be a part of this blog because I feel like it throws off the tone: I am randomly scattering some pictures from junior year throughout this post since I haven't put any up in a long time.]

I have no idea where He is taking me these days, but I know that wherever it is we are on our way there together. I remember back in high school when I felt so confused and overwhelmed with life. I had so many questions and even more fears! It was the end of the world if I didn't get a 1200 on my SAT's or if I got any lower than a B on anything. And then the questions: Where am I going to college? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? And the biggest one, (now my personal favorite) who am I going to marry? I have learned so much since then that I can't help but look back on these now trivial fears and laugh. Clearly the SATs did not have too much effect on my future, I got into my college of choice, and marriage is one of the farthest things from my mind. (Don't get me wrong it comes up, because I am a girl. And all girls, I don't care who you are, secretly have that desire for a big beautiful wedding.) But in all honesty I don't plan on getting married for quite some time, if at all. I believe I could live that lifestyle the apostle Paul calls the few too, one of singleness. That thought is daunting at times, but the thought of being closer to Jesus as a result trumps my fear. I am not ruling anything out, all I am saying is that I have expanded my horizons and my options are open. I am more willing than ever to go wherever Jesus calls me.

Jesus has really done a number on my heart lately. You know those times when you wonder where He is, and you just don't feel Him? You may doubt, you probably question, and then there are moments when you just want to give up. Well, lately I have had some of those times. Often they are merely moments, other times it is a couple of days, and awhile back it was a matter of weeks. No matter what happens though, He always proves faithful and He always comes back. Usually when I least expect it He moves in me in such a powerful way that it brings me to my knees. It is in these times that despite my brokenness He speaks to me. It remains a mystery to me how someone so broken can still be loved in such a powerful way by the Creator. That is just the awesomeness of Jesus.

I really don't think I can put all of my feelings down on paper. They are somewhere so deep inside of me and my words just are not enough.I am rendered speechless.
Yesterday we were listening to the radio on the way to University of Akron for day two of the racquetball tournament when a song by FFH came on. I had not heard their music in so long that it was rather refreshing. I remembered them again this morning so I decided to look them up and in my search I found their newest release, a song called "What it Feels Like". It is hot off the press and let me tell you this song speaks. I listened to it for the first time this morning while sitting in the Student Union and I was ever so close to breaking down in tears right then and there. Luckily I was able to wait until I got back to my room at the end of the day. It tells my story right now. If anything puts my feelings into words, this song is it.

Here are some of the lyrics, but I strongly encourage you to take five minutes and check it out!

The song is right on the homepage, just hit play.
So this is what it feels like to just fall apart
To be totally unglued
To find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me
I get all of You
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led

I have had the song playing almost all day long because I just can't seem to get enough of it.

Jesus has been revealing Himself and His will for me lately in ways I can't express. I have an unexplainable comfort in my future despite not having any idea what is going to happen. I used to be one who only looked ahead, hoping and praying that the future would be better than where I was currently at. But that got me thinking, what about the here and now? I know that I complain about this school a lot, but maybe He has me here for a reason. There just has to be people here who are searching for the same things I am. Maybe in some way (I have no idea how yet) I can have a positive effect on this campus. I want Jesus to use me in such a way, I am ready and willing. I desire that people see His love, His power, His greatness. I want them to see the ways that Jesus uses our brokenness and our sins for His glory. What an impact this campus could have if we stopped professing to be all-knowing in our faith and started asking the tough questions. If we brought Jesus to the here and now, if we continued to reform our faith instead of trying to contain it within this theological framework, I think we would be astounded by the ways God would move.

Painting A New Picture

It appears to be a general pattern that I have periods when the creative juices are flowing and other times that are more of a dry spell. I have had the desire to write again for quite some time now, it just has not worked its way up on the priority list. Grove City College is kicking my butt this semester, and that's an understatement. With 17 credits (5 classes), RA responsibilities, 2 on-campus jobs (really only working about 6 hours a week), jazz band, and racquetball it is no wonder I am 'feelin' it.' When I write it all out like that even I can't help but think maybe I am a little crazy. I really can't believe that I am back at school already, and I am even more shocked that we are 4 weeks in. Say what?!

So what has been going on? What have I spent the last month and a half of my life doing? I am sure you are all chomping at the bit, just dying to know. So here we go with my recent spin on life. I feel like it has been changing rather frequently, gradually gaining ground (that's some sweet alliteration right there...sorry, English major in me taking over) on the 'liberal' side of the fence. That statement alone may be enough to make some of my fellow classmates scowl, close this window, and walk away. If you are so closed-minded that you have already formed such an opinion, then by all means please stop reading. Those actions are exactly what have brought me to the place I am now, and they are ultimately only working to prove my point.

In all seriousness though I have to thank Grove City College and its conservative ideals for what it has done for me. It has brought me to a place of greater understanding and openness. It has certainly encouraged me to break out of this 'mold', to see that there is more out there than just what is presented to us here on this campus. It is those conversations of theology, those ones way over my head, that I hear on a daily basis, which make me wonder. I mean arguing with someone about predestination, what forms of worship are 'acceptable', or what denomination has better theology is pointless to me. If someone who has no idea who Jesus really is was to walk by during that conversation, you really think they are going to be convinced of his love, his mercy, or grace? I think they are going to be thankful they never got involved in all of this religious nonsense because of the tension, conflict, and course closed-mindedness that is so often associated with people who claim Jesus as their God.

Where has the simplicity of it all gone? And by simplicity I do not mean that choosing Jesus is easy, quite the opposite. Where is the unrelenting love? Countless times have I felt unloved and unaccepted in a supposedly 'Christian' setting. Of course, I am guilty of it myself! This is where we go wrong. We are so busy condemning and forming our own opinions of sin in this world, we forget that maybe if we cared more, if we really loved, then maybe these sin issues would take care of themselves. If our focus is truly on Jesus then don't worry, He will make us alarmingly aware of our sins. We don't need the church, a place that should be safe, filled with love and support, condemning and looking down on us. I do believe that we are called to challenge and confront each other, but in no way have we been granted the authority to condemn. So I would really appreciate it if you let Jesus deal with me. I can assure you that I am seeking him whole heartedly, that I am seeking Him for the answers to these tough questions. He does place people in our paths that help us answer these questions, that listen and work through them with us, so don't think that I am saying not to seek advice. I am just hesitant to come to people with my issues that I know will immediately lead into a discussion of the do's and don'ts of Christianity.

I am sick and tired of the black and white, the rules! I hate the Christian's daily 'checklist.' Did I read my Bible today? Check. Pray? Check. Help an old lady cross the street? Check. Sin as little as possible? Check. If everything has been done, then I guess I have been a pretty good Christian today. That list only leaves me exhausted and anxious. So then what should I be doing? If I throw away these rules and these lists, what does that leave me with? How do I live outside of the box that has built around me throughout my entire Christian walk? I guess breaking down these walls puts me on level ground with all of the other sinners out there. I am no longer separating myself, blind and unaware of what is actually taking place in the world around me. This mindset ultimately brings freedom. I can be like Jesus and reach people where they are at, bringing them what they actually need, not what I think they need. Jesus said that when someone is thirsty, BRING THEM WATER. He didn't say pray with them, read Scripture with them, or convict them or their sins. He said meet them where they are at. These acts of love, true love, will reveal Jesus in your life. It will leave people wondering what it is about you that is so different, because I promise you they will wonder.

Doesn't this picture of Jesus sound better than what we are used to hearing from churches today? We forget that Jesus can work with us where we are at now, that He isn't trying to make us become someone we are not. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of questions yet to be answered, but I am seeking Him and I am searching for the truth. And that, I believe, is what matters.

Becoming Real

Alright so this is going to be the third blog that I have attempted to write in the past two or three weeks. The first two clearly never got finished but hopefully I will be able to finish this one. So many things have happened since the last time that I wrote I really do not even know where to begin. I have been at camp for almost 5 weeks now, and already so much has changed since the day I first set foot into room 253 of Zeitfuss 2. This may sound selfish, I will explain more later, but I knew coming into this summer that it was going to be about me. I knew that I was ready for a change, for something to be different. I knew that I was ready to put aside the plastic smile, the "everything is going to be okay" line, and for the first time in my life lay everything down and figure out what it's like to be real.

The world is screaming at us to be these fake people wearing nothing greater than a size 2, showing girls movies with nothing less than a happy ending , and begging us to keep all of our issues inside and under control.I think half of the problems this world has today would be solved if people were just real. It is keeping everything bottled up and inside that ultimately causes one to snap.

I have always been a rather observant person, but now I feel like there is a whole new level to my observations. The people that seem to have it all together are in actuality the people who are lost. It makes me sad because they are lost and do not even know it. Not until you sit down and deal with your issues, feel them, take them in, are you going to find true peace and contentment. I am sure that some of you reading this are thinking that I have jumped off the deep end. Or maybe you are thinking, "What is she talking about? I really don't have that many issues to deal with." Coming into this summer I thought the same exact thing. But what I have realized is that even the problems that seem small to you can have a bigger impact than you think. Bottom line, your issues are your issues and whether you like it or not they need to be dealt with.

How we deal with all of these emotions and problems is another issue in and of itself. We all have our coping mechanisms, some may be healthier than others, but in essence they serve the same purpose. I guess I'll be real here and share mine with you. The way I cope with everything is nothing extreme, it is socially acceptable, which is why until now no one has called me out on it before. So what do I do when someone or something sets me off? Plain and simple, I work out. I will go running, play racquetball, go rock climbing, play tennis, or anything that gets my blood pounding and my heart racing. Working out is healthy, when it's not covering up your issues. If you know me well enough I am sure that if you really think about it you will know how true that rings with me. Just because I have recognized this doesn't mean that I have completely stopped this behavior, but I think that just realizing how I deal with everything is the first step.

So now what? I mean where in the world does Jesus fit into all of this? Well, let me tell you that I have been clinging to Him like none other these past few weeks. My strength in dealing with all of these issues comes from Him and Him alone. Without Him I don't know if I would have been able to handle laying everything down and actually dealing with it, it would have completely broken me. But I must say that He has kept me relatively strong throughout it all. Another lesson that He is teaching me is how to be patient. I am at the point in my life where I am waiting on a lot of things. I am waiting to figure out my calling in life, who I am going to marry, what to do after college, and the list could continue on. Instead of waiting many times I find myself needing or anticipating the things that I want instead of clinging to Jesus and what He wants for me. It is not until I am completely filled and satisfied with myself in Him that I am going to be ready to love another person.

These are just the things that I have been working through and dealing with since coming here. In some ways this camp is nothing like I expected, but in other ways it is everything that I hoped it would be and then some. It hasn't been easy realizing that life is not all rosy and sometimes it just isn't going to be okay, but I suppose that is what being real is all about. The good news in all of this is that when you are real, that is where true peace, true understanding, true caring, and true love are really found.