Becoming Real

Alright so this is going to be the third blog that I have attempted to write in the past two or three weeks. The first two clearly never got finished but hopefully I will be able to finish this one. So many things have happened since the last time that I wrote I really do not even know where to begin. I have been at camp for almost 5 weeks now, and already so much has changed since the day I first set foot into room 253 of Zeitfuss 2. This may sound selfish, I will explain more later, but I knew coming into this summer that it was going to be about me. I knew that I was ready for a change, for something to be different. I knew that I was ready to put aside the plastic smile, the "everything is going to be okay" line, and for the first time in my life lay everything down and figure out what it's like to be real.

The world is screaming at us to be these fake people wearing nothing greater than a size 2, showing girls movies with nothing less than a happy ending , and begging us to keep all of our issues inside and under control.I think half of the problems this world has today would be solved if people were just real. It is keeping everything bottled up and inside that ultimately causes one to snap.

I have always been a rather observant person, but now I feel like there is a whole new level to my observations. The people that seem to have it all together are in actuality the people who are lost. It makes me sad because they are lost and do not even know it. Not until you sit down and deal with your issues, feel them, take them in, are you going to find true peace and contentment. I am sure that some of you reading this are thinking that I have jumped off the deep end. Or maybe you are thinking, "What is she talking about? I really don't have that many issues to deal with." Coming into this summer I thought the same exact thing. But what I have realized is that even the problems that seem small to you can have a bigger impact than you think. Bottom line, your issues are your issues and whether you like it or not they need to be dealt with.

How we deal with all of these emotions and problems is another issue in and of itself. We all have our coping mechanisms, some may be healthier than others, but in essence they serve the same purpose. I guess I'll be real here and share mine with you. The way I cope with everything is nothing extreme, it is socially acceptable, which is why until now no one has called me out on it before. So what do I do when someone or something sets me off? Plain and simple, I work out. I will go running, play racquetball, go rock climbing, play tennis, or anything that gets my blood pounding and my heart racing. Working out is healthy, when it's not covering up your issues. If you know me well enough I am sure that if you really think about it you will know how true that rings with me. Just because I have recognized this doesn't mean that I have completely stopped this behavior, but I think that just realizing how I deal with everything is the first step.

So now what? I mean where in the world does Jesus fit into all of this? Well, let me tell you that I have been clinging to Him like none other these past few weeks. My strength in dealing with all of these issues comes from Him and Him alone. Without Him I don't know if I would have been able to handle laying everything down and actually dealing with it, it would have completely broken me. But I must say that He has kept me relatively strong throughout it all. Another lesson that He is teaching me is how to be patient. I am at the point in my life where I am waiting on a lot of things. I am waiting to figure out my calling in life, who I am going to marry, what to do after college, and the list could continue on. Instead of waiting many times I find myself needing or anticipating the things that I want instead of clinging to Jesus and what He wants for me. It is not until I am completely filled and satisfied with myself in Him that I am going to be ready to love another person.

These are just the things that I have been working through and dealing with since coming here. In some ways this camp is nothing like I expected, but in other ways it is everything that I hoped it would be and then some. It hasn't been easy realizing that life is not all rosy and sometimes it just isn't going to be okay, but I suppose that is what being real is all about. The good news in all of this is that when you are real, that is where true peace, true understanding, true caring, and true love are really found.

All the Differences

I am exhausted so I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. I have been at CAMP-of-the-WOODS for about a week and a half now. I think this is a good time to write about my experiences because I am not loving the place right now but I am not hating it either. If it was not for the people that I have meet here, I know that I would not be enjoying myself as much as I am. The short time amount of time that I have been here has already affected my attitude and views of life as I know it. That sounds much more dramatic than it really is, but allow me to explain. Here I am in the middle of nowhere, the nearest anything is about an hour away, yet I feel like I have never been more surrounded by city life and their culture before. If I am being honest with myself, little Gowanda and even Buffalo are pretty safe and tame. I am used to the passiveness of quaint little towns like Gowanda and Grove City, and thanks to these places and these life experiences I have fallen in love with the outdoors, hiking, swimming, and anything else that might involve getting my hands dirty. So what I have realized is that it is a rather naïve thought to believe that most people have the same attitude and outlook on life. Of course I knew this, but never to the extent which I know now.

What really amazes me here is that while we all come from different backgrounds, most of us are all Christians, and a lot of us have very different stories and different paths that we have taken to get to where we are now. I have really enjoyed getting to know these girls though and hear their stories, because they are so real and have truly opened my eyes to what is going on elsewhere in the world. I just find it ironic that I am in the middle of nowhere yet I am more exposed to city life than ever before. Thanks to two of my roommates and the girls on my staff I currently have my hair in cornrows and have been learning the city talk, which is almost a new language in itself.

A lot of times when we sit down and we just talk about life I don't feel like I have a lot to contribute because I have not been through half of the things that some of these girls have been through. What I have realized that I can do though is just be there to listen. Who am I to try and fix things for them and give them life-changing advice anyways? That is one thing about my personality, I love to help people and I want to "fix" them. What I have been learning is that the only person who is qualified to truly fix people is Christ and Christ alone. I have discovered that listening, being open and understanding is often times more fulfilling than giving advice anyways. Hearing about the lives and experiences of those who have lived completely different lives than I have has been an eye opening and learning experience for me. I have discovered that there is not one set way to bring glory and praise to Jesus Christ. It is an amazing thing that while we are all so different, we are united because of one person.

That thinking brings me to another realization. Is it just me or do you ever find yourself wondering why it was that Christ had to die for us? Of course I know and understand that he died for our sins and to save us from what we truly deserve, but I can't help but wonder if maybe there was more. And now as I sit here reflecting, I truly see that it is through Christ we are all united. I have trouble thinking of anything else that would bring such different people together except the blood of Christ. Together we sing out His praises and we worship him, despite our broken pasts and where we come from, we worship the creator and the God of the universe! So on that note, I have truly been blessed to be here and I can't think of any better way to end this post so I am going to leave it right here.

COTW!

Welcome to Resort…Er, I mean CAMP-of-the-WOODS. This is where I am going to be spending the next nine weeks of my life. So far I have rather mixed emotions about the place. It is called Camp-of-the-Woods, but in reality there is nothing that "camp-ish" about it. I am living in a dorm room (much nicer than any rooms at Grove City) with 2 other girls. We have our own bathroom, spacious closets, and an amazing common room downstairs. I must admit that we are a bit spoiled. These accommodations are great, but I am having trouble coming up with a reason for their necessity. The schedule that I am following so far gives me very little time to enjoy such amenities. I am so tired at the end of the day that I could be sleeping in a tent in the middle of the woods every night and I would be content. So to make matters worse, because our rooms are so nice they are militant about keeping them clean. I actually think they do room checks more often than the actual military. Every single morning our rooms get inspected. All beds must be made, floors cleaned and vacuumed, beds made, nothing is allowed on any counters or surfaces that is not a shelf, and I could keep going. When am I going to find time to clean? Well, at 10:00pm of course. After a day of working from 7:15 in the morning to 5:30, then dinner, then a mandatory group "fun" activity, I am ready for bed at 9:00 when they finally take the shackles off our feet. Okay, so I may be a little over dramatic because it isn't terrible but right now I am so exhausted that all I want to do is collapse. Which is exactly what I am going to do. My roommate just got out of the shower and so I am going to take one and crash. I will finish this post later.

Alright I am going to try and finish this up before I fall asleep. This post has been written over the course of two days by the way. I started it last night (Monday) and it is now Tuesday night. Today I am feeling much better about all of the work that we have to do than yesterday. It is really the people that have made it fun and completely worthwhile. Today as part of our "training" the entire rec staff was required to do the zip line. For those of you that do not know what that is, it is a wire 40 feet up in the air that you zoom across. The scariest part is climbing all the way up the tree and getting yourself onto the platform. Once I was up there I was more or less fine. Jumping off was a bit daunting, but completely worthwhile. One of the greatest parts was encouraging each other, especially those that were terrified, to jump. We all did it! All 18 (I think.) of us on the recreation staff. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day because we have a carnival that we are running for the entire town of Speculator, not that it is very big, and the rest of the COTW staff. Unfortunately this does mean that we are required to work until at least 9:00 tomorrow night with no breaks in between except for lunch and dinner. In all seriousness, I do not think that I have ever worked so hard in my life. What makes it all worth it is the fun that we have been having after 6:30pm. The girls have been getting together to do Zumba, an amazing dance workout and 8 minute abs. I am going to be in the best shape of my life at the end of this summer.

I know that I have so much more I want to write about but I am so tired I need to get some sleep. My alarm goes off much earlier than I would like it too. I hope to find the energy to get a good post in eventually, but right now I can hardly think straight. Hope you have enjoyed!

Breaking the Fast

I knew that I would not last very long without blogging. I have so many thoughts and ideas that I want to share, I just do not believe that I can go very long without writing anything. My mind literally lives and breathes sentences that I want to write down. It is kind of like people who love math. We have all heard about those that just love rearranging numbers in their minds to form patterns and make them more interesting. These people are commonly known as the Math nerds. I wonder if computer geeks think about codes and programs that they could create? Unlike them, I do not think about numbers and computer programs but words and sentence structure. Oh dear that makes me sound...Well, I do not even have the words. I promise those of you who may not know me, I am not as strange as I may come across on here. Anyways, the moral of the story is that I love to write. I truly think I have discovered one of my greatest passions and maybe eventually, greatest talent.

Tonight I am going to pour out my thoughts about all that is changing around me. Change is happening every single day, and today more than ever I realized that nothing stays as it is. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me as I embark on a new adventure. To be honest I have no idea what I am getting into, and as I sit here surrounded by all of my belongings packed up and ready to go I cannot help but feel a mix of emotions. First of all I am excited. Excited to see what life has up ahead and excited to meet an entire group of new people. Second, I am nervous. Who wouldn't be? It is like Freshman year of college all over again, because I have no idea who I am going to be living with for the next two months. I can't help but think about the worse possible case scenarios. I am sure it is going to be awesome, but you cannot blame me for being a bit skeptical. So that is the change that is up ahead. At least I have fair warning, that is something to be thankful for.

I do have a bit of sad news, hopefully I can keep in the tears while writing all of this down. I apologize in advance if I choke anyone up while reading this. This morning my mom and I took our dog, Mulligan, to the vet and when we walked out he was no longer with us. We got our spunky Golden Retriever named Sir Mulligan Stu when I was only 10 years old. He turned 13 this April, and it was only this year that you would have ever known that he was such an old dog. Even I began to lose track of the years, naively believing that Mulligan would be forever young. Well unfortunately this past week he began losing weight and tumors we growing at various places on his body. His arthritis was also getting worse and he could no longer even stand up without someones help. So this morning when my mom told me that she scheduled a doctors appointment for him, I knew that this was it. It was time to start saying our goodbyes. It was difficult listening to my mom recall all of the happy memories and good times that we shared with Mulligan while we made the trip to the Veterinarians. I just starred out the widow for fear of completely losing it. I often wonder if after so many years of living with humans, can animals begin to understand what we are saying? Maybe that is a stupid thought, but it does bring me some comfort to believe that maybe they can. The doctor told us that there were not very many options and so we decided that it was time to end his suffering. I can say that saying goodbye was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I will never forget the way that Mulli looked at me when the doctor carried him out of the room. At that moment I just knew that we were making the right decision and it was almost as if he was telling me it was going to be okay. He was looking right into my eyes as the doctor carried him away, and I will never be able to forget it. I am all choked up right now just typing this. Being home has been hard because I am so used to him always being here. I am still expecting to hit him with the basement door when I come flying up the stairs or to hear him scratching at my bedroom door any minute now. While this is all very hard, I am also thankful that he is not suffering any more. And I am even more thankful that I got the chance to know him at all, that he gave me all of the childhood memories that he did.
Okay, I will stop making you tear up now. On a happy, rather exciting note, there have been some good changes that have occured with me. First things first, I chopped off all my hair! Not too much of course, but enough. I do like my hair shorter rather than longer. Secondly, after much thinking and designing I have finally gotten my first tattoo. I designed it myself which makes it mean that much more. It is a cross with a jesus fish composed of two nails wrapped around it. It also says Via, Verita, Vita which means the way, the truth, and the life in Italian. I got it on my left side, on my ribs, which I hear is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo. It was painful, but still bearable. It still does not seem real, and I am half expecting that it is going to come off the next time I take a shower. Alright I am sorry to end this so abrubtly because there is so much more that I want to write about and tell about, but I am afraid that it is 2:30 in the morning and I have to be up early to finish packing and get on the road. I do not know when I am going to be able to write again so for all I know this could be it for the summer. Please keep me in your prayers this summer and I will do my best to keep you updated. <3

An Old End. A New Beginning.

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and much of that has included this little blog of mine. We have been through a lot together, especially the past few months. Whenever I need to let off some steam and write, this is usually where I come to do it. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and I hope those of you that have read this have enjoyed them as well. So here is the hard part. I think it is time for me let this blog go. We have had a nice year and a half together, but as in all things we are coming to an end. I think my life is beginning to head down a different path, different from what I would have predicted a few months or even weeks ago. I guess things have been changing for some time now, I just was not ready to accept that. So now, thinking clearly, I am ready to push ahead out into the world. People change, and all it takes as a matter of months. I have seen it in others before my very eyes and I am seeing change taking place in myself all the time. I don't know what is in store for me, or what lay on the path ahead but you can bet that I am excited to find out. It is like God has taken me by the hand and ever so gently, despite all my tugging and fighting to go my own way, He has led me here. Right where I need to be.

Saying goodbye here is kind of hard, but I am sure that I will be starting a new blog soon enough. Just not all of you are going to know where to find it. Sorry. I believe that it is time to cut off some old ties, close some doors, and watch as new ones open. So in some ways, continuing to write here has been holding me back from where I need to be. Some of you may not understand what I am saying, but I know that others will. Lately I have just been led in a new direction, and I am scared and excited at the same time to see where I am going to end up. Some old relationships have been rekindled the past few weeks and others have come to an abrupt end. As sad as that is, like I said before, people change. I have found myself looking at some old friends hardly knowing who they are and I am sure they have thought the same in me. I can't say that I am complaining, I believe my change is good. That is why this last thread from the past few months needs to be cut. I'm not going to completely delete it off the world wide web, there are too many memories here and too many lessons that I have learned to just let it all go. I am sure there is going to come a time when I will want to come back and reminisce. And who knows maybe these doors of my life will be opened back up someday. Right now I can't really say since they have so firmly been shut.

So in closing, I hope you all have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Who even reads this anymore, I do not know. If ever I start a new blog, I will let some of you know and others I won't. Next time I write probably will not become such public knowledge. Sorry. Well I guess this is it, the end. I'm walking ahead down a new path, through new doors, and embarking on a new adventure.

Late Night Thinking

Sometimes the thoughts just can't wait until morning or sometime the next day to be put down. I believe that I work the best and think the clearest in the late hours of the night. It is when everyone else is sleeping that I can think clearest and work my best. If I was ever going to be a writer of any kind, I think I would do all of my work late at night. It is so peaceful. If it was warmer outside I would be out on the back porch right now, at 1:45 in the morning. Instead, picture this if you will, I am sitting in the basement inside of a one person Winnie the Pooh tent that my little brother managed to acquire today. I am nestled into a bundle of blankets and the song We Weren't Crazy by Josh Gracin is playing softly in the background. Real quick, can I just take the time to say how much I love Rascal Flatts and their new C.D. I don't know what they are going through, but the C.D. that they put out before this one was filled with love songs and now this one is a bit more depressing, not so happy. I don't mind, speaks to me in my time of need as well as many others I am sure. The best part is, my favorite song, Unstoppable is what they named their C.D. after. Give it is a listen and you will see what I mean. It should be the song that is playing on my blog right now, so turn up that volume.

Today was Sunday and unfortunately I had to work this evening. It almost seems like a completely different day already, like I did not even work today, but unfortunately the throbbing of my feet tells me otherwise. After work tonight I went and spent some time with my good friend Ashley who is having some guy problems of her own at the moment. It is not so much that I can relate to what she is going through, but the fact that I am there to listen and try to offer her some advice when possible. It is hard to know where she is really at, what to say, what not to say because we do have differing views on a lot of life. What I do know is that I am going to be as real as I possibly can with her. All that I went through this year is no secret, and I feel comfortable sharing it with any girl that wants to listen or feels like they can relate. Did I make mistakes? Undoubtedly. But despite any of that, I learned so much more. And what is more important, is that there is no denying God's grace and His hand working in any of it. I was not shy in mentioning tonight that without my faith, without Jesus, I would not be where I am right now. I will make that perfectly clear to anyone who wants to hear my story.

Tonight as I drove home I realized how much I love driving, especially alone. I can think and pray more than most other times throughout my day. I pulled into my driveway at about 1:30 this morning and just sat there for a couple minutes before getting out of the car. Tonight was a beautiful night, another great thing about living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. The stars were out and the moon (half moon) was huge and orange. You know what I am talking about? And it was beautiful because those little wispy clouds were slightly covering it, but not too much. Just enough to add a cool effect. I could not help but stand there and soak it all in for a few moments, taking the time to thank the Lord for absolutely everything.

Today was Sunday, which means that I went to church this morning! It was actually the first time in a few weeks that I was at my own church because I have been such a gypsy lately. Last week I went to a Catholic service with my grandmother and who knows where I was the week before. Anyways, it served as the rejuvenation and refreshment that I have been looking for. Today's message talked about sanctification and becoming a sanctified people. The main passage for the message this morning was 1 Peter 4:1-6 and I would highly recommend looking into it if you get the chance. The words of Pastor Vern that stuck with me the most came as he defined sanctification; becoming so tuned in to what God is doing that you see Him everywhere. I can't quite imagine that, obviously because God is not done with me yet. I mean can you imagine being that in tune with God that you can see how He is at work in everything? Another great analogy that was brought to my attention this morning was our Christian walk being described as a yo-yo. We all know that it is filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, in betweens, blacks, whites, and shades of gray. While we are going through these highs and lows however we are learning and growing with each step of the way. So instead of just a yo-yo, it is more like we are yo-yoing while continually climbing up a flight of stairs. I can see it in my own life. I just know that slowly but surely Jesus is infiltrating every area of my life. When I finally give Him one thing, He asks for another and then another. Hands down, Jesus is pretty much the coolest person I know. End of discussion.

Lots of Random Paragraphs

I look out my window right now, and where there should be the endings of a pretty little sunset I see a giant black cloud heading right for us. Just standing at the window and watching it I can see lightening bolts coming down in the distance. I used to be deathly afraid of lightening and thunder storms. I think I have grown out of that now, I actually rather enjoy them. I also used to be scared of fireworks, and I must admit that I still am. There is just something about balls of fire flying up in the sky, shaking the earth, and then flying back down at you that just sends me running indoors. I don't know who ever decided that such a thing was 'safe' and enjoyable. I would personally be thrilled if fireworks were banned forever. Why can't the fourth of July be celebrated in some other, safer, quieter way? We could shoot colored cotton balls into the sky. It would be quieter and much safer. No one minds being hit with cotton. Balls of fire on the other hand, I have an issue with that. How did I get started on all of this? Oh yes, the thunderstorm. The wind is now blowing and the rain has just started to come down by the way.

Moving on. What have I been doing with myself lately? Well I spent the majority of my day today working to serve the bikers that poured into Olympia. This weekend is Harley Happenings in this little bitty town of ours, which means that hundreds and hundreds of motorcycles line Main St. all weekend long. There are bands that play, people everywhere, and of course lots and lots of beer. Our town is never busier than on this particular weekend. Oh! I am jumping too far ahead of myself. I need to fill you all in on the fun little adventure that I had on Thursday with my old friend Liz. We were besties in seventh grade and surprisingly we have been able to keep in touch ever since. Here is a testimony for you about the way's God works to bring people together. Way back in the day, seventh grade to be precise, I was just beginning to experience God's greatness and to learn of the sacrifice His Son made for me. I was a new Christian and coming out of the Catholic church I was still rather unsure about the whole thing, so I kept it to myself and did not really let my little light shine. If I am not mistaken, I believe that Liz was in the same boat I was and therefore we never talked about our faith with one another, even though we had very similar beliefs. Well in time, after a move to Gowanda and time in which we grew in our faiths, it was soon no secret that each of us was deeply in love with Jesus Christ. So now here we are, almost eight years later. We have been brought together as friends and it was so nice to have another sister in Christ to talk to about all that has been going on with our lives. Having someone to talk to, relate to, to give and get advice from, knowing that they have similar values and beliefs as you is one of the greatest gifts.

The hike we went on was unbelievable. It was near Chestnut Ridge Park, in these woods right across the street from in actually. I will post some pictures because it really was a beautiful little hike. We then stumbled upon this littler creek that we followed until we reached a waterfall. Inside of the waterfall is this little fire (that runs on gas I am sure), but it never goes out. Some people call it the eternal flame and others call is gaslight falls. Whatever it is called, I love it.

So here is a little something that I am getting absolutely sick and tired of. I am tired, beyond belief tired, of guys thinking that they have the right to treat girls the way that they do. In my opinion we should be treated like princesses. Guys, you do that and we'll treat you with respect. I don't mean to talk back about them all, because I know that good ones are out there, but after a friend came to me in tears today I just can not take any more. I do not understand who some of these guys think they are! And I have dealt with my fair share of these (I will not swear) guys, this year. Ah. And girls, what are you doing staying with them? They hurt you once, and the second they apologize and come running back you, you fling wide the doors to your heart and let them right back in. Respect yourselves a little more than that, I beg you. I have decided that I am done, completely done. I am just going to sit around and let Mr. Right find me, because clearly all the looking that I have been doing has not worked yet. I want a guy who loves me and who is willing to fight for me. Actually fight for me. There are tons of country singers out there who sing about how sad they are when the girl they love walks out on them, and they sing about fighting for her, about how much they truly loved her. Well, I have yet to find any guy who has loved or fought like that. So when I find him, I suppose I will have to keep him around. I have a feeling it is going to be a while, but I am in no hurry. So that is that. I think I am going to call it a night. I am in the middle of reading The Hobbit, and I am anxious to see what is going to happen next.