An Unexpected Realization

I went to New York City for one weekend and there I met Jesus. I didn't meet him in the lights and overwhelming extravagance of the city, but in a small gathering of people worshiping together in a small theater in Harlem.

For the first time in months, years even, I felt the presence of God with every fiber of my being.

Everything that I have been reading about, praying over, searching for, it has all suddenly been affirmed. I no longer just want to talk about these ideas, but I want to live them.

I am willing to talk to anyone who will listen to m

e for 15 minutes about this church and the experience I had there. My poor roommate and residence life staff, some of them have already witnessed my excitement.

This church completely took any expectations you may have previously had about church and shattered them. This wasn't a church but a community. It was community infested with people of every size, color, shape, style, and theology imaginable yet they all had two things in common.

They all recognize their brokenness.

They all see their deep need for Jesus.

Christianity to them is not a religion of rules that bind you to doctrinal theology, but a relationship. It is about a relationship with Jesus and relationships with one another.

When did church become a static institution instead of a dynamic community?

I sat in church on Sunday and could not help but think that this must have been what the early church was like. The congregation was engaged and interacting throughout the entire service. Not just when told they could now greet one another or when they were permitted to offer up prayer requests, but from the call to worship through communion and during the message everyone was engaged.

I want to live as a light on this campus and everywhere that I go. The question that I have now is what does that look like?

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can to make Jesus shine in my life all of the time. Putting on that outward smile and pretending to be on fire for him when I go out only leads to burnout and disappointment. That is not what I am trying to achieve.

All that I really want to do is worship and serve him with everything that I have in me. I want to praise him from the time that I wake up in the morning until I am ready for bed at night. If serving and worshiping Jesus was my every focus and aim, then I don't doubt everything else will fall into place.

Through him I am going to learn how to love, how to listen, and how to serve. Because of him my vision of community and living life with passion will catch on. I will begin to see him in even the smallest things. If my life is consumed by him, he will be able to show me truth in all of creation, not just what the church has deemed "Christian."

I have been jumping out of my skin with excitement all day. I feel like I'm in middle school all over again just coming back from a youth retreat, but actually all I did was spend a couple of hours in Harlem.

So now what? There are a couple of questions that I have been asking myself and wrestling with since being back at school.

1. Where do I go from here? Do I transfer schools and become a part of this community that gets it or do I stay here and try to make this vision come alive on this campus?

2. How do I act on these feelings and actually live them out right now?

Both of these are questions that I am seeking guidance in trying to answer and diligently praying through them.

What I have come up with for the second question is just to love on people. This campus is filled with broken people, more broken I think than many people living in the city. It is infested with this don't talk about it, go at it alone, your best is never good enough mentality. There are people that think they have it all figured out yet they have no idea who Jesus really is. These are the students that I want to love. I would love to break down their walls and barriers and just get into the heart of who they are.

There have been a number of people working on me for a few months now to get me to this place. They have shared their dreams and ideas, and my life will never be the same because of them.

I feel like I am finally getting it. I am finally at the place where I want to see this vision come to fruition and I want to see it grow. I don't have some big master plan to change the world, but I do have Jesus and I have myself. I have my time and the ability to invest and love on people one at a time. I like to think that we can take this world by storm working together one person at a time.

A Bit of a Response

A good friend of mine recently tagged me in a very provocative note on facebook. If you want to read it so you know what I am talking about, just go to my facebook page and check out the notes that I'm tagged in.

What struck me most was the truth embodied in her writing. She was talking about herself, but I can resonate with her in many areas of my own life. I'll admit that it's scary sometimes how similar we are or the ways that we understand each other. Is it crazy that we have yet to actually meet? I can't help but sit here and smirk at that one.

Anyways, this is not meant to be about Joelle (sorry dude) but rather her post. She talked about the red pill. You know, the one that Neo decided upon in The Matrix? He chose to live completely aware of the reality surrounding him. He chose to take it full on, no longer living in oblivion to the truth.

I think we forget today how easy it is to do just that. We live our lives, following the rules, taking everything as it comes and dealing with it the way we have been taught how. Do we really even think for ourselves anymore or do we just let others, our parents, teachers, pastors, and friends, do it for us? Actually living in the world, thinking and developing your own ideas is scary as hell, but I would rather feel pain, fear, and sorrow and live in the truth than feel nothing at all.

I am just thinking about all of these preconceived notions that the church and the world today throw upon us and it almost angers me. They give us the black and white, the wrong and right, they tell us what this is rather than allow us to think and wrestle through these issues on our own. When was the last time that you really thought about and studied issues such as premarital sex, homosexuality, adultery, and divorce?

These topics are hardly mentioned in churches today let alone prayed though, thought about, and dealt with in terms of our culture today. Most of us have heard all of our lives that these things are 'wrong.' But why? That question we almost always shy away from.

Well, I am tired of it. I am tired of waking up every morning acting and thinking in ways that I have been told to. I am taking the reigns back, and giving them solely to my creator. I am learning to really live with Jesus as my one and only teacher. Yeah it's going to be a long and difficult journey, because this thinking is unlike all that I was brought up with. It may turn a lot of my beliefs and ideas upside down, but that is what I am looking for after all. There has to be more out there. Jesus did not come to restrict us in our thinking but to set us free. When the hell are people going to realize that?

This 'red pill' mentality, this being set free, is where true joy lies. This freedom allows me to seek out truth in everything and everywhere. Here's a bold statement for some of you Grover types, but truth is not just found in the Bible. Truth can be found everywhere. I am a believer in absolute truth, absolutely, but I know that God can reveal Himself to me anywhere, at anytime, through anything. He is God after all.

Amidst the Brokenness

While my life is constantly changing, writing is something I hope will always remain constant. At the end of the day I can always come back to it despite my views, thoughts, or feelings. I was asked today to write an article for the school newspaper. Just a small piece on the racquetball team, but it's something. I don't remember who I was talking with not too long ago, but they encouraged me to look into writing for the paper so I will have some sample pieces written. If there was anyone who really wanted to check out my writing style I suppose I could point them in the direction of my blog, but these aren't exactly proofread or written with a professional air about them. Anyways I was asked to write this piece, and I didn't even need to go through the hassle of finding those in charge and asking how I could be involved. God is so good!

[Just a really random side note that should hardly be a part of this blog because I feel like it throws off the tone: I am randomly scattering some pictures from junior year throughout this post since I haven't put any up in a long time.]

I have no idea where He is taking me these days, but I know that wherever it is we are on our way there together. I remember back in high school when I felt so confused and overwhelmed with life. I had so many questions and even more fears! It was the end of the world if I didn't get a 1200 on my SAT's or if I got any lower than a B on anything. And then the questions: Where am I going to college? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? And the biggest one, (now my personal favorite) who am I going to marry? I have learned so much since then that I can't help but look back on these now trivial fears and laugh. Clearly the SATs did not have too much effect on my future, I got into my college of choice, and marriage is one of the farthest things from my mind. (Don't get me wrong it comes up, because I am a girl. And all girls, I don't care who you are, secretly have that desire for a big beautiful wedding.) But in all honesty I don't plan on getting married for quite some time, if at all. I believe I could live that lifestyle the apostle Paul calls the few too, one of singleness. That thought is daunting at times, but the thought of being closer to Jesus as a result trumps my fear. I am not ruling anything out, all I am saying is that I have expanded my horizons and my options are open. I am more willing than ever to go wherever Jesus calls me.

Jesus has really done a number on my heart lately. You know those times when you wonder where He is, and you just don't feel Him? You may doubt, you probably question, and then there are moments when you just want to give up. Well, lately I have had some of those times. Often they are merely moments, other times it is a couple of days, and awhile back it was a matter of weeks. No matter what happens though, He always proves faithful and He always comes back. Usually when I least expect it He moves in me in such a powerful way that it brings me to my knees. It is in these times that despite my brokenness He speaks to me. It remains a mystery to me how someone so broken can still be loved in such a powerful way by the Creator. That is just the awesomeness of Jesus.

I really don't think I can put all of my feelings down on paper. They are somewhere so deep inside of me and my words just are not enough.I am rendered speechless.
Yesterday we were listening to the radio on the way to University of Akron for day two of the racquetball tournament when a song by FFH came on. I had not heard their music in so long that it was rather refreshing. I remembered them again this morning so I decided to look them up and in my search I found their newest release, a song called "What it Feels Like". It is hot off the press and let me tell you this song speaks. I listened to it for the first time this morning while sitting in the Student Union and I was ever so close to breaking down in tears right then and there. Luckily I was able to wait until I got back to my room at the end of the day. It tells my story right now. If anything puts my feelings into words, this song is it.

Here are some of the lyrics, but I strongly encourage you to take five minutes and check it out!

The song is right on the homepage, just hit play.
So this is what it feels like to just fall apart
To be totally unglued
To find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me
I get all of You
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led

I have had the song playing almost all day long because I just can't seem to get enough of it.

Jesus has been revealing Himself and His will for me lately in ways I can't express. I have an unexplainable comfort in my future despite not having any idea what is going to happen. I used to be one who only looked ahead, hoping and praying that the future would be better than where I was currently at. But that got me thinking, what about the here and now? I know that I complain about this school a lot, but maybe He has me here for a reason. There just has to be people here who are searching for the same things I am. Maybe in some way (I have no idea how yet) I can have a positive effect on this campus. I want Jesus to use me in such a way, I am ready and willing. I desire that people see His love, His power, His greatness. I want them to see the ways that Jesus uses our brokenness and our sins for His glory. What an impact this campus could have if we stopped professing to be all-knowing in our faith and started asking the tough questions. If we brought Jesus to the here and now, if we continued to reform our faith instead of trying to contain it within this theological framework, I think we would be astounded by the ways God would move.