Reminders

So why is it that these hard times and these trials come? Since yesterday I have been asking myself that question. Well, it is not so much why they come because I can feel that. Without them I would not be in the place that I am now. I would not be this in love with Christ, I would not be learning to love him, to center my life around him, I would not be humbled. My question is more a matter of why do they keep coming? It can be frustrating to think that when you finally get see the light at the end of the tunnel and you are coming out, you know that eventually there is going to be another tunnel ahead. Does that bother anyone else? It is not so much bothersome as it is scary. What if through one of those hard times I really jump off the deep end and turn away indefinitely? Well fear no more! Each of these trials that we go through ultimately strengthens us, giving us a deeper love and a deeper understanding of Christ and who He is. The more I learn, the more I want to be close to Him, to never leave His side. And as these feelings get stronger and stronger, it makes the hard times easier to handle. So with each struggle that you go through, give thanks! You have made it this far, there will be an end. The Father is not going to put more on your plate than you can chew.

This afternoon I was reading my Bible, and as I read John chapter 2 something seemed to jump out at me. Verse 11 (after Jesus changed the water into wine) says:
"This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed at Cana in Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him."
Then verses 19-22 say:
"Jesus answered them, 'Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.' The Jews replied, 'It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?' But the temple he had spoken of was his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the Scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken."
So where am I going with this? Both of these verses caught my attention, because it was after each of these significant events that the Bible proclaims that the disciples believed that Jesus was the Son of God. Did they not believe Him when He first called them to be His disciples? Or when He performed many miracles right in front of their eyes? Did it really take them until Jesus rose from the dead 3 days after His death before they figured out, yes this guy is legit!? My initial reaction was frustration towards the disciples. I mean they actually with their own eyes saw these miracles and heard Jesus' teachings! How much better could they have had it? But then it hit me. Jesus is working right in front of me too. Right in front of my very eyes I can see all that He is doing yet I choose to deny Him just as much, if not more than the disciples did. Just because Jesus was physically present with them does not mean that it was easier for them to follow Him. The Spirit is working in my life each and every day, but how often do I take that for granted? How often do I deny Him? Luckily He keeps on working on us, He never gives up! While He was here Jesus performed miracle after miracle, He proclaimed who He was time and time again in hopes that we eventually we would get it! He does not give up. So each time the disciples 'believed' was almost a renewing of their faith. Nothing like a swift kick in the behind to remind them that they are serving God the Father, Jesus Christ, the One and Only! Praise God for His persistence and His willingness to work with us, for He never gives up.

Back Again!

Today, for the first time in almost a month I wrote in my journal. I used to write almost every day, or at least every other day. I made sure that I set aside the time, despite the amount of work I had to do. What happened to me? The past month I have struggled with that very question, because it is almost like I have looked into the mirror and I don't even know who that is starring back at me. That was not me. Well after a month of testing and trials, I think I am back. I am once again seeking out Christ's love for me and His grace with all of my heart. I lost focus, I lost sight of the straight and narrow. I am not going to be afraid to admit any of this because at some point it happens to every single one of us. We are all human and we all lose focus. These experiences are what have taught me humility, compassion, appreciation, and love. While they are hard, and coming out of them is even harder I would not trade them. It is these experiences that bring us ever closer to the Father.

The biggest problem that I think we have is not giving ourselves 100% to Christ. Is He your main focus in everything? All that you do, is it centered on Christ? It needs to be! Only He is strong enough to handle the temptations of this world, only He can comfort us in our time of need. This truth is so strong on my heart right now I want to stand up and sing about it. I want everyone to be at the place of clarity and understanding that I am at right now, because it is a beautiful, emotional, eye opening experience. Obviously not everyone will ever reach this point, but you can. If you want to, you really truly can. If you want to experience love that never disappoints, grace unlike anything else, and complete truth then turn and run as fast as you can to Jesus. He is waiting arms open wide. I sound like I am preaching the salvation message here. I guess I am in some ways, but really I feel like all the truths I discovered and posted about in my previous blogs, I feel like I am finally beginning to experience those. I have so much going on in my life right now, but I know that whatever happens with everything it is going to be okay. Despite some not so smart choices that I have made the past month, I have been forgiven. I am back, new and improved. It is all going to be more than okay, it is going to be awesome! Christ loves me, He is at the center of it all. So though it all, whatever happens I will remain strong, I will not be broken. God is good. God is always good.

New Way of Living

Do you ever wonder what your life is going to be like 5, 10, 15 years from now? Stupid question, because I think we all do. This past year my perception of my future has changed quite a few times. I came into this school year dreaming of living one life, that quickly changed to something else, and now I have made up my mind to just go wherever the wind blows me. Maybe it was all the planning that got me into trouble in the first place. I don't think we should plan for things like that. Being prepared for specific events to occur and planning for the future are on two very different playing fields. I am done planning, instead I will, to the best of my ability, prepare for what lies ahead. Who knows what our future holds aside from the Lord? Just when we think we have it all figured out, God proves otherwise. There is some song that I can't think of now which says that God laughs when he hears our plans. How very true that is. My advice then would be to break free of your preconceived notions about where your life is going, be ready and waiting, be prepared, but don't nail yourself down, don't ever think you have it all figure out, because it is at that moment you find an overwhelming amount of change headed your way.

So it's back to the books for me. Only four more weeks and I will officially be done with Sophomore year. How crazy is that? I feel like just yesterday I came in as a scared frosh, and now I am going to be a junior and an RA. Anyways, the rest of break was interesting. My uncle lives in this new housing development in which all of the houses looks almost identical. They still have model homes available to go look at, and so we went and looked at three of them ranging in price from 500,000 to 1.3 million. I am going to post pictures, but the pictures do not even do these houses justice. I have never been inside of such a nice house before. My question is how do people justify living like that? I would almost feel guilty for owning such a nice home. Although, who am I kidding? Would I ever really complain about it? Probably not. So for a couple of days I got to live the life of the upper-upper middle class, middle class on the brink of upper class I would say. Cake-eaters.

Being back at school is pretty excellent. Sad to think that in only 4 weeks I have quite a few friends graduating. We are going to make the best of the time we have left though, and I am sure there will be some exciting weekends coming up. My first night back was an exciting one. Walking by a creepy old cemetery at midnight with a creepy cat following behind is exactly what I needed to get my heart racing and adrenaline flowing. If you need a bit of excitement, I know exactly where you can find it. Playing at the park in the dark, I really would suggest that everyone do it sometime. It suddenly turns a kids playground into a college students adventure. Everything is better at night. The swings seemed to go higher, the monkey bars were more difficult than they used to be, and all parts of the playground are free for climbing. Not to mention the rush that comes when you think you may hear a cop car driving by. Anything can happen at the park at night. I'm hoping for a few more adventures before the end of the year, but we will see how that pans out. All I know is that I am planning on anything. Call me Ms. Spontaneity.

A New Path

Depressing piano music playing in the background fits perfectly with my current mood. As I sit here and write this, I realize for the first time over this past two weeks that yes it really is over and life is moving onward. There is nothing wrong with that, it just takes some getting used to. One second you think your life is heading in one direction, and even when you think you have changed directions often times it doesn't really hit you until you are headed down the new path and you realize that this is it. There is no turning back now. I have a range of emotions coercing through my body right now: sad, excited, angry, mad, relieved. I could keep going but I'll leave it there. So this is it I have no choice now, completely in the dark, onward I go. I can't seem to get past the anger though. There are so many things I just want to go off on but I can't, because a) I did this to myself and b) I'm done with it all. Right now I could really use a nice long 5 mile run in which I sprint the whole way. I just want to run. I want my every muscle in my body to burn and I want to go until I can't possibly go anymore. There are so many things I want to do right now, a lot of pictures I want to delete, paper I want to tear up, old texts to erase, and I could go on. But I am not going to do any of that because I know that eventually I will regret it. I'm done now. I really needed to get a lot of that out there...

So here I go. Making a new path, new memories, a new adventure.

Despite the anger I do have a peace. I know this is the Lords will. That He is not going to lead me astray because I want to follow Him. More than anything else I want to follow Him. Because ultimately that is where true happiness lies. Instead of being angry or sad, I should probably be excited. I am. I must admit that I am a little scared. Heartbreak is not fun at all. It is too bad that I can't play guitar like Taylor Swift because I could probably write a damn good song about my life right about now. Hopefully the drama will begin to filter out so instead of living a soap opera I can live an episode of Full House or something. It starts off happy, then there is some conflict, but by the end of that 30 minute episode everyone is happy again. Unless, on some rare occasion, there is a 'to be continued....' episode. But even that would be fine right now.

Today was a good day filled with patriotism as I marched the streets of Washington D.C. It is tough though because there are so many things that I don't want to see right now. I am sick of seeing anything to do with the military, even the commercials on T.V. bother me. I can't listen to Rascal Flatts who was previously my favorite country band, and I cringe when I walk through a store and see their formal dresses. I hope and pray that eventually none of these things will have an effect on me. They say that time heals all wounds.

Anyways, D.C. was fun and I have some pictures from yesterday that I think I will put up. My cousin is driving everyone crazy, but that makes for some entertainment. She is a senior in high school and she thinks that she knows everything. And I mean everything. So we like to take advantage of that by acting really stupid just to push her buttons. Last night was by far the most entertaining dinner I have had in a long time. I'll try to give you a little taste of what I am talking about...Last night out of nowhere Nikki pulled out the classic line, 'That's what she said!' but she used it in completely the wrong context. So we decided to play along and ask 'What does that mean?' and she starts giving us this long explanation of how it's used as a joke, that if I guy says something funny you have to say 'That's what he said.', and how it originated approximately 4 years ago in a movie. And the best part is that she told us her friends are the people who started making it popular. In response we were shocked and said that her friends seemed like the coolest people on the planet so naturally we wanted to meet them. We started egging her on, encouraging her to invite them all over for a movie night, unfortunately all of them are currently in New York City. Does this sounds ridiculous to you? Well this is what I deal with when she is around. I know nothing, Nikki knows all, deal with it. So we make the best of it pretending to be stupid. I should really considering videotaping dinner tonight and posting it so that the world can get some good laughs. This post is long enough for now though, and it sure has taken me long enough to write. I am feeling better though. Being able to get everything out and recalling last nights dinner antics have helped. Maybe life shouldn't be taken so seriously. We should all stop worrying and just live it.

On The Road

I will have to post this blog later because I am currently sitting in the car on the way to Washington D.C., meaning that I have no internet connection. Although I am sure that soon enough I will be able to be connected via a satellite connection or something. I don't need that though. I am perfectly content without the internet for a few hours. It is almost a sickening thought that there is virtually nowhere you can go anymore that is internet free. Everything is wireless this, satellite that, hands-free, and whatever other technical terms they use nowadays. I am not complaining, I love technology, and I think that all the advances we have made are great. I just think that it is all too easy to become consumed. I would not mind not having cable or satellite television, or a television at all for that matter, when I have a house of my own. It would give everyone a reason to actually talk and build our relationships with each other rather than sit and watch a stupid multi-colored box filled with flashing lights.

I like how one little thing (In this case, not being connected to the internet.) has the ability to send me off on some random topic. I don't really have any planned topic for this blog so I guess it managed to fill up some space. Like I said I am on the way to Washington D.C. right now with almost the entire family, minus Ashley and Skylar, plus a Kevin. It is a scary ride since my step-dad does not seem to know how to safely operate a motor vehicle. Sometimes he puts on the brakes for no reason at all, we often hit the rumble strip on the side of the road, and on more than one occasion I have feared for my life as we passed a semi. Family vacations are not something that I look forward to, ever. They bring out the worst in me, that is for sure. I think before I get married, instead of a camping trip, my future husband should come with my family and I on vacation. If they still want to marry me at weeks end, well then folks we have a winner! These trips are what have steadily lowered the number of kids I want to have. Back in eighth grade I wanted something like eight or nine kids, now we are down to four and I can just sense that number declining as I type…3…2…1…Forget it.

Enough with the negatives tonight. Some good about this coming weekend, let's see. We are going sight seeing in D.C. possibly tomorrow. I love doing that kind of stuff. There are also tons of huge model homes that you can go and look at by my uncles house! At least there was the last time that we were there. I love looking at houses and dreaming about where I could possibly live someday. Doesn't every girl do that?

Music is what keeps me alive on these trips. Thank you Mr. iPod! I am so glad that you were never broken. My latest music selection has included everything from Akon, Zac Brown Band, and Jason Mraz. Zac Brown Band is by far my favorite though. Their lyrics can make me laugh, cry, and carry me away deep in thought. Gangster has been up there too because lately I just want to bust a move. Do you ever have moments like that? It is quite a shame that there are no more dances left at school this year. Maybe Julie and I should just host an end of the year dance party in our room. The people on our hall already think we are crazy because we cook pancakes and blast the gangsta' tunes in our room so it probably wouldn't surprise them one night if we just had a bunch of people over for a dance. I could see it now, we turn off all the lights, except for the Christmas lights which we have set to the blinking function, music blaring from my computer speakers, and we would all be dressed like we were going to the club. Can we please do it? Music is just good for the soul.

Anyways, I think I am going to end here for now. We are stopping at a rest stop and I am mighty thirsty. Time to get something to quench that.

The 'I' Factor

I have been home now for a total of 5 days. I love being home. I think that I just become more appreciative of all the things here that I miss while at school. It is mostly just the simple things, like John coming into my room in the morning to wake me up, running errands with my mom, driving to a friends house late at night just because, or even loading and unloading the dishwasher. None of these things I can really do while at school, so being able to appreciate them now is truly a blessing. I watch my 13-year old sister now in all of her teenage glory, arguing with my mom over nothing, fighting with my siblings, refusing to clean her room, and it makes me want to knock some sense into her, lovingly of course. I know I had the same attitude when I was her age, but now I just want to make her realize that mom was right (and still is) after all these years. Once again that just brings me back to the whole, you live and you learn spiel. That seems to be a recurring theme with my recent blogs.

I have been spending a lot of time alone since being home, or least I have been trying to. The happenings of the past couple of weeks have just been so confusing and intense that some time to reflect, think, and pray is all I have left in me to do. The best times alone have come when I have gone out for run (Which has severely been hindered thanks to the snow!) or when I go for a drive. I don't know if I have been getting any cut and dry answers, but I have been given peace about the situation that I am in. One thing I have been learning about myself is that I need to be more patient. People that know me will tell you that once I get an idea in my head I run with it, and I run fast. I don't usually take my time thinking anything through. One second I am going to be a doctor, the next I want to be a teacher, then I want to be a nurse, and the next thing you know I am adding an English major. It is quite comical really.

I know it's not just me who does that though. We all do on some level. How do we combat that? It is easy for me right now to say that when the next impulsive decision comes along I will be able to take my time, slow down, and actually think but I am not so sure. My experiences these past couple weeks, maybe they have been enough to shake me a little.

I have also learned to lower my expectations, or higher them I suppose. It's complicated. I have been expecting too much from God, if that's possible. It's not that I don't think God can't give me what I am hoping for or what I am 'expecting', I just think that expecting anything from God is a waste of time. He knows what is best and it certainly is not always what you are anticipating. So why place limitations on Him? Why 'expect' that He is always going to act in your life a certain way? Is it frustrating? Obviously. I wish right now that I could share with you what I mean by all of this and share my personal example, but I can't bring myself to do it. Especially since I know I have a bit of a fan base out there. Let's see...For quite some time I thought I had my life figured out, I thought I knew where I was going, where everything was headed. But that is just it, I thought, I thought, I thought. But what on earth did my Savior God, Lord of heaven and of earth, what did HE think? Do we even take the time to stop and ask Him or do we just assume that because we are 'happy' that must be His plan too? Maybe we need to spend some time on our knees asking Him what He wants, because He will show us. If you desire more than anything to be doing the Lord's will, even when you feel like you are aimlessly wandering in the darkness, He will not lead you astray. You will end up right where He wants you. That is the beautiful thing about it. One of my favorite things to do is look back on my old journals, my old prayer requests and all my old worries and to see how the Lord got me through each and every one of those things. Chances are that in a couple of years I am going to look back on everything going on now and be able to have a good laugh. My life may seem like a daytime drama right now, but I know that it only goes up from here.

A Love Worth Fighting For

Sweet sweet nectar I am home! After many long days and even longer nights I can finally say that it is over, for the next 240 hours at least. Well, minus the time that it is going to take me while I am home to write my paper. But even that is going to be heavenly after this week. Apparently even professors can be caring, sensitive, understanding human beings, who would have thought? And all I had to do was lay down my past week before him. It was not easy or pretty but the meeting ended with an agreement that for a minor penalty I can turn in my twelve page paper on Monday or Tuesday. There is a God.

It seems unreal that I am actually home right now, and even crazier that it has been 5 weeks since I was last here. I am not usually the girl who stays at school every weekend, but this year has proved otherwise. I like, no love, Grove City College this year and I owe that love completely to all of my friends and the friendships that I have developed there this year. I have come to believe that college is all about what you make of it and the people that you hang out with. I am even more excited to see what next year has in store and the friendships that I have yet to strike up. From what I have heard being an R.A. provides you with a support system and friendships so strong they become your family away from home. I will let you know how that goes.

This right here, this is what life is all about. You work hard for weeks on end and then just when you think you are at the end of your rope all of that hard work pays off and you are on your way home. Right now I could not ask for anything more. I have my dog sitting by my feet, the Sabres are on the television, my sister is next to me engrossed in the latest book, my parents are on the couch enjoying a glass of wine, John is playing Spiderman, and there is a fire crackling in the fireplace. Best of all it is nice to sit down and take it all in.

This evening I attended my grandparents 50th anniversary party. I have never seen my grandparents more in love and more appreciative of each other than I have tonight. There were many times tonight that I thought my grandpa was about to cry, and I have never in my 20 years of life seen him that way. How do you find love like that? How do you find love so strong that throughout all of the struggles and temptations life throws at you, you never give up? You continue, despite it all, to love unconditionally. I am sure there were times that they did not always want to love each other, but they did anyways. It amazes me! I saw their old wedding pictures tonight and my grandparents looked so young! My grandma said she was 21 when they got married. And all of her sisters were also 21 when they tied the knot. 21?! I am almost 20. That gives me about one year if I plan on following in her footsteps. I could not even imagine. I mean I do go to Grove City and all, but I think ideally I would like to at least graduate before getting married. Whatever happens, all I know is that I want to find love like that someday. I want to have a 50th wedding anniversary with all of my friends and family there to celebrate. I have a long way to go before that day comes. It is strange to think that many of the people that will be there celebrating that day with me are not even born yet.

Enough. I am done thinking about the future for right now. Instead I am going to focus on the here and now, and just enjoying the place that I am currently at. We spend too much time thinking ahead, dreaming about the future and how much better it is going to be. Then once we get there we continue to dream about what lies ahead. Will we ever be content with the here and now? I sure hope so. I am going to be working on that. I don't need to worry about the past or all that lies ahead. I have been given this moment, right here, right now and I am going to live it. Our futures are in the Lord's hands, let Him do what He wants with them. He knows what He is doing, I promise.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11