A Piggy Back Ride

I think that if one more thing was to go wrong right now I would probably break down into tears and I honestly do not know if I would be able to stop. I told myself that I was not going to 'loose it' until I get home for break, but that seems to be getting harder and harder to do. Academically this week is the toughest that I have had in a long time. I have Genetics and Organic exams, a 12 page paper due, and a number of lab reports. I have been getting an average of 4 hours of sleep per night (sometimes less), and it is starting to catch up with me. I know because every little thing that goes wrong just makes me want to break down. I really hope that no one decides to play an April Fools joke on me because I don't think I can take it right now.

I did not want to write about my life in here anymore, but right now I need to do something and I have no wise words. I am wondering why this is all happening to me again. Twice in one year? Really? What is God trying to tell me? Love is hard! I can't expect that it is always going to be easy, that I am not going to struggle with it, but that is exactly (at this point in my life) what I am expecting right now. It is immature, trust me I know. I have so much to learn and such a long ways to go before I learn to love as the Lord has called me to love. I want more than anything to experience the love found in 1 Corinthians 13. I know what is expected of that kind of love, that it's not easy, but right now I am not mature enough to truly put that into practice. I have not grown up enough to know that true love always loves, keeping their significant others best interests in mind even when they don't always want to love them. It is not that I don't know what true love requires or that I am naive enough to think its going to be easy, but I think what it truly comes down to is my maturity. I am not ready to love another person because I first need to learn to love the Lord. Slowly but surely, I will learn.

There are some aspects of these struggles that I do enjoy. It is at these times that I feel closest to God because I can do nothing more than cling to Him. I know that my own strength is not enough, that He has grabbed my hand and slung me over His back, carrying me the whole way. So despite the stress, the nervousness, and my inability to focus, I will remain thankful. All of these struggles are serving a specific purpose to teach and mold me into the woman God wants me to be. After all, that is what it is all about.

Waiting

This past week has been one of the most stressful and confusing weeks that I have had in a long time. I thought that I had it all together, I knew what I wanted out of life, my vision was clear, I was looking ahead and walking the straight and narrow. Does anyone else feel like their Christian walk is a constant cycle of highs and lows? Every time we think we may have figured it all out God waltz's in to remind us that we don't. The worst part is that it never ends. We are a fallen and sinful people and it takes Christ to humble us, to snap us out of this attitude of human arrogance, and kick us onto our knees in reverent submission to him. Will this cycle ever end? As long as I remain in this human body of mine, I don't think that it will. As I grow and learn from each experience the highs and lows may become less dramatic, but they will always be there. No one can be a die-hard Christian 100% of the time. Unfortunately it just does not work that way.

I should really be writing a paper right now, so I am going to keep this short. One more thing that I want to post are some of the lyrics to a song by John Waller called While I'm Waiting. I feel like they have a lot to say to me in regards to my past week (I would highly recommend looking up the song and listening to it if you get a chance.)

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

Looking Inward

I must guiltily admit that I secretly paid attention in chapel this morning. When I sat down at nine-thirty and found out that the man speaking was a poet and the head of the English department at the University of Missouri, I was instantly hooked. It probably has something to do with my secret (well, not anymore) ambition to be an English major. Reading novels, analyzing literature and obviously writing, present much more of an appeal to me than studying the dihybrid cross of Drosophila or the various reactions of alcohols, alkenes, and benzene rings. Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes, chapel this morning. While he wasn't exactly the most eloquent of speakers, but he did have some interesting ideas and advice for us Grove City College students.

As God's creation, made in His image, it is natural to assume that we are a creative people. That being said, for what purpose do we put our creative abilities to use? Whether you are writing poems, painting pictures, dancing, or singing (this is not an exhaustive list), what or rather whom are you doing these things for? The everyday modern American would be hard pressed not to admit that they do these things in hopes that they might have an effect on other people. Do you really paint a masterpiece or write a novel thinking, "Wow! These ideas of mine have had a profound impact on my own life!"? I know that I wouldn't. We do many of these things in hopes that we can gain recognition from others, make them think, and have an impact on them. Or if you are a Grove City College student you may answer my first question with the overzealous response of, "I do all of these things to glorify Jesus Christ!" If you can honestly say that all of your creative tasks are done solely for that purpose with no alternate agenda, I commend you. I am not however, about to preach to you the message of glorifying the Lord with all of our daily tasks. (This is important, don't get me wrong. It's just not the point I am working to prove.)

When was the last time that you took a step back and let your work infiltrate your own life, your own way of thinking, rather than fantasizing about what it is doing for others? Believe it or not, we are allowed to do that. God gave us these gifts, yes to serve others, but also so that He can teach us about ourselves through them! When we take the time to evaluate all that we have done I think we are going to find that our work affects ourselves much more than it will anybody else. Through our gifts, talents and creativity, God can reveal to us aspects of ourselves that we never may have found had we not taken the time to look inward at what He is doing. So on that note, I encourage you to take the time and evaluate what your strengths are and explore the areas that God has blessed you.

I don't know what is up with me lately, but sitting down and telling you about the happenings of my life seems trivial when I can write about ideas that may truly have meaning. Going off of the theme I just finish talking about, I am grateful for the ability to get my ideas down somewhere that I can come back and reflect upon them. I might make it a point to come back and re-read some of my posts to keep these thoughts and challenges close to my heart and fresh in my mind.

An Astonishing Love Affair

So last night as I got into bed with thoughts of blogging churning in my head, I began to think. Usually before drifting off into the abyss of the night I mumble a few prayers, remembering the requests that came to my attention throughout my day. And then I began to think about the last time that I truly had a one-on-one, mano-y-mano, experience with God. More than just praying over a meal, after devotions, during Bible study, or before bed. I am talking about setting aside time to just fall onto my knees and pray. Often times everything else can become monotonous, something you become accustomed to doing every day. Not that these aren't excellent things, but personally I like spontaneity. I think God appreciates our spontaneous acts of love. If we are honest with ourselves, is it not the unexpected acts of kindness that people do for us that mean the most? Now that I am really thinking about all of this, how can we love God spontaneously? How can we live a life filled with love for God, one that does not grow old or routine? I do not think that I can answer my own question. This week I will make that my task, find ways to love unexpectedly.

Idea! (Or thought...Whichever way you prefer to look at it.)

Galatians 5:6 says that true faith "worketh by love." Loving others, out of faith, is one way in which we can show our love for God. I would argue that this is one of the best ways to love spontaneously! Even when we don't want to love (which is often), remembering that as Christians we are called to do so and keeping Christ
at the center of these actions is one sure-fire way to love him.

Tonight, and I believe for the next week, my heart will be in Africa. I received an e-mail through Nate's mom, from Nate, that he made it to Africa safely. I could tell already, just from those few sentences I got to read that this experience will change him like nothing before. He mentioned how poor everyone was there, that it does not even compare to some of the poorest of places here. I do not think that we realize how good we really have it. If I am ever to go on a missions trip to Africa or some other third-world country I think that upon my return home I will be tempted to sell everything and live the simplest life possible. I am contemplating the ways I can cut back on everything now and I am not experiencing any of this! It just breaks my heart because I can see him playing with these kids and getting attached to them, and then having to leave them at the end of the week knowing that he is headed back to a completely different world. It almost makes me wonder, how could you just go back to living your life the same any more?

I guess tonight's post was filled with some pretty deep thoughts. Just wanted to give everyone a little something to chew on.

A Tiny Car With A Narrow Beam

Holy smokes where has the time gone?! Middle of fall semester last post, middle of spring semester this post, next it will be what...middle-aged post?
So college, good old Grove City College. If you would have asked me this time last year if happiness could ever be attained here, if I would look back in 15 years and recall these years with a smile upon my face and a look of longing in my eyes, I might have laughed at you. Twelve months later however, I can say that just maybe that question will be answered with a bit of a smirk. It has never ceased to amaze me how much things can change in such a short amount time. How a few good times can generally (depending on the severity) cover up the bad.
The amount that I have learned this year is astounding. I feel like a completely different person than I was last year. God has been good. I have finally (finally) found some people on this campus who light up my world and make Grove City a bearable, no more than bearable, place to be. In some ways they fit the Grover model and in many other ways they don't, if you haven't already figured it out, it is those anti-Grover qualities that attract me to them. I now have a group of friends who are all different and bring a multitude of personalities to the table. I-love-it.
Academics you ask? That is an entirely different can of worms. This place will be the death of me. I think that God has really taken my school work and my attitude towards academics and just shattered it on the floor. And then when I thought it could not get any worse, that I thought maybe I could start picking up the pieces, He hid them! What is the deal? The deal is that He has been teaching me that:
MY GRADES DO NOT DEFINE ME.
I am not defined my the amount of A's and B's on my report card, by whether or not I make the Dean's list, or if I beat the class average on the latest test. So what if I get a C or even a D? I say, let's stick it to the man. In high school my success in school really shaped and defined who I was at that stage in life. Right now though, I don't really know who I am or where I am headed. I feel like a car driving in the dark with broken high-beams. I know there is more out there, that I should be able to see more, but I can only see so far. I can only see what is almost directly ahead of me. So this year has been about trust. Trusting God that He is going to lead me and trusting Him enough to know that He is not leading me astray.
Well since I am just sort of rambling now I guess I will end this baby right here. Maybe tomorrow, or the next time I write, I will talk about all the blessings God has bestowed upon me these past few months. And boy are they numerous!

A Little Bit of Everything

It is really hard to believe that we are already half-way through the semester. It still feels like just yesterday I was unloading bags and boxes from my car and heading down to the hole. This year is flying by at a much faster rate than last, however I can think of many reasons why last year seemed to go by at a snails pace. I don't mind the fast paced life though, actually I almost prefer it. To a point. Lately it seems that it is getting to be a little out of hand but tonight I think I will finally have a few minutes to relax. :] Unless of course I decide to go watch R-Ball with Tim and some others from the team tonight. I have been spending pretty much all of my free time, and even some time that isn't free, either on the courts or with the people from the team. Yummy.

I have been thinking a lot about possibly studying abroad for one semester next year. I am not really sure how it would work out with my major, but I really want to get out of this country sometime. And when I say get out, I do not mean Canada. I have come to the conclusion that at some point in my life, preferably while still in college, I am going to backpack Europe. I just have the urge to get out there and explore. Back to studying abroad...If I decided to do that, I think that Spain would be my location of choice. Since my great-grandfather was from Spain I have just always felt some kind of connection there. I still remember being little and listening to his stories and asking him to teach me some simple Spanish words. O the good old days.

After classes today, Julie and I are going shopping at the outlets for Jon's birthday and of course probably for ourselves. I still haven't used my 50% Gap discount for the month so I need to get on that. Then I have a tennis match at 3:30 and another at 4:10 tonight. After dinner maybe I will get some R-Ball in and then who knows what I will have going on tonight. Going to bed early and watching Grey's are certainly on the top of my list though. Tomorrow is quite an unfortunate day however since I have to be up early for Jazz Band. Then I have R-Ball until 11:00, grab a quick lunch, and head off to work until 10:30 tomorrow night. Gross. Then Sunday will be a day of studying and a the madness begins again. You just have to make it through one week at a time. Each week I hope that maybe the next will be easier but that is always wishful thinking. I was looking at my schedule for the rest of the semester the other day and I found one week in November that potentially looks like the week from hell. I have an SSFT paper due, physics homework, and tests in physics, calculus, and organic. That will be interesting to say the least. Alright, since I am in class right now and I should be working on some problem it might be a wise decision for me to end it here. I hope you all have great weekends! The End.

900 Miles Across PA

If anyone has looked at my facebook picture recently you will notice that my most recent photo album shares the same title. Well for all of you stalkers who are curious let me tell you that there is truth to that statement. In only 3 days I traveled over 900 miles throughout the grand old state of Pennsylvania. Let's just say that it may come close to the best 900 miles I have ever traveled. It started with Kara, Tex, Chris and I all piled into a 1991 Ford something-or-other on our way to Allentown for the first R-Ball Tournament of the semester. A good chunk of the trip was spent with Chris teaching us how to play this word game that only Grovers would play on their weekend off campus. I am afraid to even talk about the game for fear of being judged and deemed a geek. Eventually we reached our first destination, Tim's sisters house, for the first night. That night was mainly spent playing Euchre and watching Remember the Titans. I don't even remember what time we ended up going to bed, but the morning came all too fast.

Friday came and went. And when it went I was up 2-0 after beating the pants off of some girls from who knows what college and another girl from West Point. Hoo-Rah! Friday night we arrived at Ariels house around 1:00a.m. and I did not end up going to sleep until at least 2:30 or so. Once again it was an early morning as we had to be out of the house by 6:30. Well Saturday came and went and by that point I was 2-2 after 2 crushing defeats delivered by Penn State. :[ They were good. Scary good.


Saturday night we spent at Oliver's house. That was possibly the best night of the trip. Us girls all stayed up extremely late talking about anything and everything, mainly boys of course. It was pretty much a giant sleepover and I felt 13 again. And then all too quickly Sunday was upon us! It was a long day filled with unexpected wins, broken faces, and upsetting losses delivered by none other than Penn State. The ride back to school was a long one, but fun nonetheless. I slept a lot, ate Tim's candy corn, and was appointed the team masseuse.

Anyways, enough about my quest to become a pro r-ball player. Aside from that life has been crazy. I can't remember the last time I got a sufficient amount of sleep. The stress has been crazy and I haven't really been able to focus too well since there are too many things on my mind. I know that everything will be okay eventually and that the decisions I have made the past week have been the right ones. The Lord is so faithful!

My relationship with the Lord is suddenly on take-off mode. I haven't felt this close to Him in a long time. I feel like so much has just kind of fallen apart around me that I don't have much left to cling to. The past few years I just have not felt God's presence no matter how hard I tried. But now, for some reason I just know He is with me and He is surrounding me with His love. More than ever I am just thirsty for His Word and just enjoying worshiping him with every one of my actions. I am beginning to see evidence of His blessings and faithfulness everywhere that I look and I just can't help but smile. :]

As a result of all of these happenings, Grove City suddenly does not seem like such a bad place. I am actually happy here! Amen! Maybe this is the school that I am supposed to be at, and who knows...Maybe college will become the best years of my life. I don't know, but I am willing to find out. I really just can't even express how exciting I am to see what the Lord has in store for me down the road. Whatever it may be, I am ready and willing.