Amidst the Brokenness

While my life is constantly changing, writing is something I hope will always remain constant. At the end of the day I can always come back to it despite my views, thoughts, or feelings. I was asked today to write an article for the school newspaper. Just a small piece on the racquetball team, but it's something. I don't remember who I was talking with not too long ago, but they encouraged me to look into writing for the paper so I will have some sample pieces written. If there was anyone who really wanted to check out my writing style I suppose I could point them in the direction of my blog, but these aren't exactly proofread or written with a professional air about them. Anyways I was asked to write this piece, and I didn't even need to go through the hassle of finding those in charge and asking how I could be involved. God is so good!

[Just a really random side note that should hardly be a part of this blog because I feel like it throws off the tone: I am randomly scattering some pictures from junior year throughout this post since I haven't put any up in a long time.]

I have no idea where He is taking me these days, but I know that wherever it is we are on our way there together. I remember back in high school when I felt so confused and overwhelmed with life. I had so many questions and even more fears! It was the end of the world if I didn't get a 1200 on my SAT's or if I got any lower than a B on anything. And then the questions: Where am I going to college? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? And the biggest one, (now my personal favorite) who am I going to marry? I have learned so much since then that I can't help but look back on these now trivial fears and laugh. Clearly the SATs did not have too much effect on my future, I got into my college of choice, and marriage is one of the farthest things from my mind. (Don't get me wrong it comes up, because I am a girl. And all girls, I don't care who you are, secretly have that desire for a big beautiful wedding.) But in all honesty I don't plan on getting married for quite some time, if at all. I believe I could live that lifestyle the apostle Paul calls the few too, one of singleness. That thought is daunting at times, but the thought of being closer to Jesus as a result trumps my fear. I am not ruling anything out, all I am saying is that I have expanded my horizons and my options are open. I am more willing than ever to go wherever Jesus calls me.

Jesus has really done a number on my heart lately. You know those times when you wonder where He is, and you just don't feel Him? You may doubt, you probably question, and then there are moments when you just want to give up. Well, lately I have had some of those times. Often they are merely moments, other times it is a couple of days, and awhile back it was a matter of weeks. No matter what happens though, He always proves faithful and He always comes back. Usually when I least expect it He moves in me in such a powerful way that it brings me to my knees. It is in these times that despite my brokenness He speaks to me. It remains a mystery to me how someone so broken can still be loved in such a powerful way by the Creator. That is just the awesomeness of Jesus.

I really don't think I can put all of my feelings down on paper. They are somewhere so deep inside of me and my words just are not enough.I am rendered speechless.
Yesterday we were listening to the radio on the way to University of Akron for day two of the racquetball tournament when a song by FFH came on. I had not heard their music in so long that it was rather refreshing. I remembered them again this morning so I decided to look them up and in my search I found their newest release, a song called "What it Feels Like". It is hot off the press and let me tell you this song speaks. I listened to it for the first time this morning while sitting in the Student Union and I was ever so close to breaking down in tears right then and there. Luckily I was able to wait until I got back to my room at the end of the day. It tells my story right now. If anything puts my feelings into words, this song is it.

Here are some of the lyrics, but I strongly encourage you to take five minutes and check it out!

The song is right on the homepage, just hit play.
So this is what it feels like to just fall apart
To be totally unglued
To find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me
I get all of You
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led

I have had the song playing almost all day long because I just can't seem to get enough of it.

Jesus has been revealing Himself and His will for me lately in ways I can't express. I have an unexplainable comfort in my future despite not having any idea what is going to happen. I used to be one who only looked ahead, hoping and praying that the future would be better than where I was currently at. But that got me thinking, what about the here and now? I know that I complain about this school a lot, but maybe He has me here for a reason. There just has to be people here who are searching for the same things I am. Maybe in some way (I have no idea how yet) I can have a positive effect on this campus. I want Jesus to use me in such a way, I am ready and willing. I desire that people see His love, His power, His greatness. I want them to see the ways that Jesus uses our brokenness and our sins for His glory. What an impact this campus could have if we stopped professing to be all-knowing in our faith and started asking the tough questions. If we brought Jesus to the here and now, if we continued to reform our faith instead of trying to contain it within this theological framework, I think we would be astounded by the ways God would move.