Standing Solid Against Tradition

Welcome Cloudy Skies

2010-11-02T19:47:00.004-04:00

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

And Mourners to and fro

Kept treading -- treading -- till it seemed

That Sense was breaking through --

And when they all were seated,

A Service, like a Drum --

Kept beating -- beating -- till I thought

My Mind was going numb --

And then I heard them lift a Box

And creak across my Soul

With those same Boots of Lead, again,

Then Space -- began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,

And Being, but an Ear,

And I, and Silence, some strange Race

Wrecked, solitary, here --

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,

And I dropped down, and down --

And hit a World, at every plunge,

And Finished knowing -- then –

-Emily Dickinson

This poem by Emily Dickinson gives me chills. We read it in one of my classes a few weeks ago and I haven’t been able to escape it. It plunges the reader into the world of the unknown, and its lack of resolution only adds to the uneasiness. It has little to do with the rest of what I want to talk about, but I couldn’t resist sharing…

____________________

Stressed out.

These are two little words with big implications. Together they sum up how many people are feeling right about now. Well, at least the people that I am surrounded by.

The season of corn mazes and haunted houses has come to a close and the bitter cold is blowing in. I personally do not mind – I love the snow, I grew up in artic conditions – But for others, watching the sun slowly disappear brings only sadness and depression.

I have watched more people scarily sink into their own thoughts in the past two months than I ever thought I would see. And once again the reality of pain and suffering wins out. I know there is good out there. I am not that depressing; however, it is hard to see beauty when the people I love are in pain.

I almost feel bad for saying that right now, I am in a good place. Over the past few weeks I have felt love lost and love gained. I have been lucky enough (and brave enough) to begin opening up to the people I know love me most.

I am also fortunate in the sense that senioritis has yet to kick in. I love my classes this semester. I am, however, looking forward to eventually studying English at a secular University. Grove City is a great place for beginnings and it has helped me build a solid foundation, but they often taint and sugar coat some great authors. I am tired of hearing everything from a Christian perspective. I want to learn about Shakespeare, Emerson, Thoreau, and Hawthorne from a different lens.

I can’t wait.

Empty Apologies

2010-10-26T11:59:00.001-04:00

As human beings we have a great capacity for hurt. It is often easier to hurt than to love. We are selfish, spiteful, judgmental, closed-minded...and the list goes on. There are days like today when the realization of the pain that I have inflicted on people knocks the breath out of me.

We are constantly trying to convince ourselves that each individual person is responsible for themselves. This is true to an extent, but we are lying to ourselves if we think that we don't severely impact people every day. It is up to us to decide whether or not we use that impact positively or negatively.

I hate the pain I cause. I hate the pain I am going to cause.

But sometimes - it all seems inevitable.

Scribbles

2010-10-24T16:51:00.005-04:00

There are days that I scream to be real.

I have a strong desire to peel away the mask that has been plastered on.

And then there are times when I wonder if it is even a mask at all or simply influences from all that surrounds me.

Church, family, friends - each with its own associated stigmas and pressures. What is real? What is right? Who am I?

-A question that has been asked by millions who have gone before me.

I know who I am to an extent - I know what I am passionate about, what my desires are, who I love...

...But even these are always changing.

With the great capacity that I have for love and life, comes the same capacity for the opposite.

It is crazy when you think about it really.

I see my life as my own personal mission. It is a mission that everyone is on whether they realize it or not -

I am not out to accuse, to discover right versus wrong, to condemn - but to find what He has for me.

I am of the belief that if my focus is upward, all else will fall into place - despite what the institution tells me.

But what I am convinced my eyes are on Him and they are convinced their gaze is upward - and we still agree to disagree?

Then what?

Sorry about all the nonsense ramblings. There has been a lot on my mind lately - I guess that is one of the things that comes with this Christian walk. I think too much sometimes and ask way too many questions.

Being stuck here amongst conservative Christian students can be stifling - all the more reason for me to exercise my inquisitive faculties and get them riled up.

I hate the idea of blindly accepting what has been put before you as a maturing Christian. Ones faith as a child serves as a foundation - but there comes a time when you have to begin thinking on your own.

All I am saying is that many people here never do that. They take what parents, pastors, and professors have to say without thinking about it themselves.

Well-

That. Won't. Be. Me.

Twice As Bold

2010-10-23T16:44:00.002-04:00

I took my power in my hand

And went against the world;

'T was not so much as David had,

But I was twice as bold.

I aimed my pebble, but myself

Was all the one that fell.

Was it Goliath was too large,

Or only I too small?

-E. Dickinson

Poetry is taking over my life. While I haven't been writing much these days, I have been reading excessively.

I was flipping through my volume of Dickinson this afternoon and this poem jumped off the page and spoke. I love its opening lines: "I took my power in my hand / And went against the world;"

There are many meanings that can come from this poem, I don't know where to begin. I am not sure if telling you what I think really even matters - it is up to each of us to find meaning in anything. I guess I am just out to provide food for thought. I love thinking and prompting thought - deep discussions fuel me. Do they leave me exhausted and sometimes defeated? Definitely. But they also allow me to grow as a person, to open up my mind to new ideas, expand my semantic networks. Semantic networks - learned about those in psychology and I just love the idea and imagery of it all.

Our mind is a network of ideas and things learned, one that we are ever expanding and adding to. There is an endless possibility to what we can learn and our brains are never full. I love the idea of new thoughts being added and connecting to the old. - And all of these networks connecting and weaving within one another make up our very own semantic network.

I apologize for the choppiness of my writing here. It has been a while and my thoughts are scattered. I plan to continue writing - And post more of my own poems soon! Until then I'll keep putting up poems from my favorites for sustenance.

A Room in Pieces

2010-04-28T21:17:00.003-04:00

I struggled all day with whether or not I was going to post this one. It is pretty personal and describes a lot of where I am at right now. So read with that in mind. As always your thoughts, comments, and criticisms are much appreciated.

I live inside a room of my own

Where all the “have dones” and “am doings”

Have been held hostage.

And the answer to their question: “Who are you?”

Sings out with my accomplishments.

Successes stacked in every corner

Relationships hidden beneath a veil

Failures pushed aside

And words of affirmation

Hanging like an oversized poster

I scream to make them believe,

“This is me!”

Twenty years without spring.

Devoid of growth and renewal

The walls begin to crack and fade.

Together rust and fists destroy, and

What was once my refuge is

Now my prison.

Amidst the wreckage I kneel,

Stunned and staring at what I’ve created .

Debris and broken relationships

Litter the floor,

But there she stands

Unwavering at the door

Gazing upon my brokenness,

These ruins together we created.

Time freezes as the weight of my actions

Bear down upon her.

Options and emotions begin pouring in,

Telling her to run – but we both know

She never will.

Through pain and tears she whispers

“Be still…”

Quiet and cautious, together we sit

Watching and waiting

For comfort, for healing, for restoration.

The Mask I Wear

2010-04-27T23:39:00.003-04:00

Holy crap it has been way too long. I really don't have the time to write and post a full on blog at the moment, but I just finished this poem that I wanted to share. As an aspiring writer, I would love to hear your thoughts. If you are getting anxious because I haven't written in a while...Do not fear, finals are near! Which means that I will have a heck of a lot more time to freely write. Currently I am confined to particular subject matters, but sometimes the poetry just happens to spill out onto my notebook paper. Oops.

I think this is the first poem that I have shared with "the masses"...So hopefully it doesn't bomb. Here goes:

The alarm clock rings at 6a.m.

A limp arm reaches for silence

And slowly coming into focus,

Is another day of inner-violence.

Two feet drag across the floor

Searching for a greater force.

Any reason to make it out the door.

Into a world of meaningless hellos

Where life and death are the same,

And my hearts cry bellows.

A melancholy cry for change

Is muffled from within

Because I have made my exchange

This mask devoid of calling and passion

Highly decorated but cracked and dried

Worn because it promised life everlasting.

As time unwavering pushes onward

With obligations that must be filled

The line between slave and free, now blurred

Battling until they can rest again

Amidst the walls deemed safe

Thoughts of what could have been

Slowly fading are the muffled screams

As thoughts of life, passion, and meaning

Collide into a dream…

The alarm clock rings at 6a.m.

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

2010-02-11T23:35:00.002-05:00

The desire to write often comes at the most inopportune times. Ideally I would be reading or clearing the mound of clothing off of my bed – I couldn’t decide what to wear this morning. Instead I am sitting here, on this corner of my bed that is, for the most part, cleared off, and I am typing away. When the thoughts are flowing, you can’t ignore them. Especially when it has been so long since this passion to write has been so alive.

I attended a dessert meeting this evening for students interested in becoming an RA. Even though I am already an RA, I had to attend since I am required to go through the application process for next year. Our director of Residence Life, who is one of the greatest people I know, talked to us about one of her passions, studying the founding fathers. She presented us with a quote by Abraham Lincoln – one that I know is going to stick with me for a long time:

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

Immediately, two questions came to mind – Who am I? And whatever I am, am I doing that well?

Jamie challenged us with these questions, and then put a spin on it. Instead of the word good, she put ‘faithful’ in its place:

“Whatever you are, be a faithful one.”

In the dictionary, faithful is defined as – steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant. It does not mean successful, important, or prosperous, but devoted and steady.

Who am I? That first question is one I have passionately been seeking an answer to for the past eight months. I never gave much thought to the question before last summer, but now it is one that lives with me every day. So who am I? What I know so far is this:

I am a daughter of the King, a woman of faith, a woman on her knees

I am a daughter to my parents

I am a sister

I am a friend

I am a student

I am an RA

I am an aspiring writer

That is all that I have so far, but I think it is a good start. Also, just know that I really only listed the practical ones. I left off many of the personality and character traits. (Oh, and I am also a sinner. But that is not something I am trying to do well or be faithful in doing.) My focus here was on who I am in the eyes of God, who He has created me to be.

Now for the second question, am I doing all of these things well? Am I being faithful? Asking myself that question opened my eyes. Suddenly it is not about being successful, but about being faithful. I should be who I was created to be faithfully, pouring all of my heart and soul into it. I may not be “successful” at any of these things, but that doesn’t matter. It is when I do all things faithfully and to the best of my ability, that I am truly me.

I hate to cut this short, but I really want to post tonight and I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. If I have time tomorrow I will elaborate and hopefully hit this idea home a bit more. Goodnight friends.

Transparencies

2010-02-06T10:33:00.013-05:00

Finding the time these days to write strictly for my own enjoyment and reflection is a difficult task. With 15 credits, RA duties, Collegian writing, lifeguarding certification classes starting, racquetball, and who knows what else, I have my overwhelming moments. I have decided to write again because I have no choice, especially when I have particularly difficult thoughts and decisions being wrestled with. Despite the craziness around me, taking the time to write and reflect is as natural and necessary to me as breathing. Many may not understand how writing can fill such a void, but we all have something that ultimately keeps us alive.

It’s different for everyone, coming in a variety of forms. Some find life outdoors, in photography, in music, in helping others, in art, the list can go on. Whatever it is, everyone has a passion. And these passions are our worship, at least for me. I worship best, am moved most, feel peace and comfort most when I have a pen in hand or keyboard beneath my fingers.

I am not telling you to worship your passions or to become dependent upon them alone, but to make sure that you are using them as instruments of worship to the one true God. He is the one who places these passions and desires on our hearts in the first place, so it is only natural to use them for His glory.

Lately when I write I can’t help but bring Him into it, even in articles that I write for the school paper. Lucky for me I am going to a Christian school. That is sunny and great and all, but I have no desire to make a living by shoving my Christian ideologies, meant for fellow believers, down the throat of the world. I would probably get fired by the New York Times if I ever submitted them one of my article from The Collegian (school paper), and the reverse is also true. So what does that mean? Have we as Christians lost the ability to relate with the world around us?

I write these articles for the school paper conforming to their conservative Christian worldview, ultimately disregarding what the rest of the world would see or say if they read them. Long term I have no intentions of writing for any type of independent Christian organization or settling down in the world of “Christendom.” I think it is okay right now, because I am not yet strong enough to face the world on my own. This school for me is a place to grow so that I can go out on my own, not a place or culture to settle into. I wish that really was the call and cry of Grove City College. When we look below the surface, what is really going on here? Few students actually take what they have learned and the ways that they have grown in their faith to actually impact the world. Instead they take it and “impact” the already Christian community. No offense, but they don’t need it as much as the rest of the world does.

This semester I am taking a humanities course that continually condemns the use of technology. While I agree with the professor in some aspects (that technology has contributed to the breakdown of community), there other are ways in which we don’t see eye to eye. For example, this professor praises the Amish community almost daily. I admit their sense of community with one another surpasses anything that we have today, but who else are they in community with aside from one another? What are they really doing for the world and those who don’t have a clue who Jesus is? In my opinion, the woman who wears jeans and t-shirts, who owns a cell phone and computer, who may appear to belong to the world but has something “different” about her, will have a greater impact on the Kingdom than the woman who only tells her story to a community who has heard it before. Not only have they heard this woman’s story before, but chances are that they have all lived it themselves.

I think the last time that I wrote was on much the same topic so I apologize, but it is an issue that I have been wrestling with almost daily. How do I take the many good things that I have learned here, discovering my passions, finding myself, growing in my faith, and use them out in the real world? How do I live out in the world with my fellow sinners yet remain separate and keep my values intact? I don’t think that I will be able to answer this question until I am forced to live it.

If I am ready, maybe an opportunity will present itself this summer in the form of a journalism internship. I almost refuse to write for any specifically “Christian” publication. I do enough of that for The Collegian. What we need, and I have said this before, is not Christian magazines or newspapers, but Christians writing for the magazines and newspaper that the world reads.

I am excited to begin using the skills that I have acquired over the past 3 years and use them in the real world with my fellow sinners. My sins are just as great, if not greater than, the guy next door who has no concept or idea of who Jesus is, so why is it that we are often in the habit of coming across as “holier than thou”? Being transparent in the way that we live our lives, being unafraid to bear our sins and weaknesses to one another, is a powerful thing. I don’t know when the world started to assume that Christians are these perfect high beings, but I hate it. And I strongly dislike Christians who affirm that view. There has to be a way that we can break that mold and the world’s misconceptions, allowing the real Jesus to shine. Let’s be transparent.

Oh and P.S. I am putting up some new pictures from throughout the semester. I believe it is time for an update.

The Christian Subculture

2009-11-10T20:31:00.003-05:00

So this blog is completely unplanned and I have decided to let my thoughts and my fingers on these keys wander where they please. Until tonight I didn’t have any real coherent thoughts to put onto paper. Not any that I am willing to make available to the general public at least. I was okay with lack of ideas to be honest, because I have legitimate amounts of work to do in the next ten days. This includes three papers (all for English classes) and a genetics exam of death. So of course Jesus likes to speak to me and make me all excited when I have a lot of work to do. I am sure he probably thinks that it’s funny, reminding me that school is great but getting so worked up about Him that I have to share it with the world is even better.

Today, at good old Grove City College I got really excited about Jesus. I heard a speaker that had me so lost in the message I couldn’t help but sit on the very edge of my seat. I was hanging on his every word because this guy was speaking truth. He was speaking the very truth into this Christian community that I have wanted to scream at them for the past three weeks.

Some people were paying attention and others quite obviously were not, but I can only hope that this message, this view of Christianity got through to a few people.

I kind of felt bad for those listening who come from a very conservative Christian background as he practically slammed this “Christian culture” that we have created. Anyways here we go, the message of John Fischer reiterated and interpreted in the words of Alex Omicioli.

Let’s be completely honest with ourselves here and admit that the word “Christian” today does not sit well with many people. You hear that world and you think of a distinct group of people that tear down, despise the immoral, and hate. Hate? How, when we profess to serve the God of love, did the word hate ever become associated with Christians? Let’s not cast a silver lining over anything here, people do indeed view Christians as people that have a hatred towards others. Little red flags should be going up in your head right about now.

How is it that such a word ever become associated with our God?

1. We have been more focused on the sin than on the sinner.

Everyone says love the sin and hate the sinner, but how many sinners have you loved today? The example that John used was that of homosexuality. Bring up homosexuality in Christian circles and it is only a matter of time before someone pipes in with the ever popular, “love the sin but hate the sinner,” mantra. But his challenge was this, how many homosexuals have you actually loved lately? Not that you said you loved or that you tried to fix, but actually loved. It suddenly got a bit stuffy in that old chapel as people shifted uncomfortably in their seats at the mention of this forbidden topic. I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

So here is the root of the issue: Ultimately you aren’t going to be able to love any sinners until you love yourself. You (and I mean, I) alone are the worst sinner that every lived. Until you recognize that, your ability to actually love and accept others who are really just like you is going to be rather limited. As Jesus would say, get that telephone pole out of your own eye before trying to remove the tiny piece of lint out of your neighbors.

2. We have been selfishly more concerned about our own safety and protection, living in fear of the world.

Christians today have created this Christian subculture. In this culture that we have created, we never even have to leave the realm of Christendom. We have Christian everything! People home school their children, send them to private Christian schools, hire Christian plumbers, drink coffee from the Christian coffee shop, listen to Christian music, read Christian books, and watch Christian movies. Am I getting the point across?

What are we so afraid of that we have felt the need to protect ourselves from the world with this Christian subculture? This need for safety has come from fear, but fear has no place in the Christian faith.

What we need is not all of these “Christian” alternatives but Christians who are willing to go out and live in the world. The light and salt of Jesus is never going to spread if we are keeping it within the Christian community. Christians are not the people who need the salt and light, it is the world that needs it! So let’s get out there and give it to them.

3. We have bought into the politics of this nation, believing that only true Christians are living in the red states (if you know what I mean).

The point that John really drove home here was that both political parties have flaws. There are things within each that the Christian can agree and disagree upon; nothing is ever going to be black and white because there are no real truths in either party, only shades of grey. If this is the case for both parties, why are we getting so worked up over politics, something that has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus?

4. We have become the self-appointed line of defense that God doesn’t need and certainly never asked for.

It has become our primary concern to make sure that prayer stays in schools, that the word ‘God’ stays in the pledge of allegiance, and that Intelligent Design is taught to our children. How is waging these wars loving? These battles are just that, a war that Christians are determined to win. If God wants these things to remain in the public realm then He is going to keep them there, and He most certainly did not ask us to fight these battles for Him.

These are just a few examples that John gave that really hit home for me. This is why the people today see Christians as people separate from the world, a subculture that has the word hate associated with their name. They see us as a group that stirs up trouble, who professes to love their neighbors, but only ever gives off negative energy. They hear the word Christian and shrink away in fear. Wouldn’t it be something if instead of a fear of Christians people thought instead, “Hey those Christians may have some screwy beliefs, but they don’t judge, they are filled with love, compassion, and concern for others.” When John said those words I was shocked into a stunned silence. If people who had never experienced Jesus before began saying things like that about Christians, the world would be a completely different place. In the meantime, it is a world that I can dream about. It is something that I myself can work on and attempt to live out.

This message just stirred me up all over again. I can’t wait to get out into the world and show them the Jesus I know. In the meantime I guess I can practice on a few Grovers who need this Jesus just as much.

An Unexpected Realization

2009-10-27T20:36:00.003-04:00

I went to New York City for one weekend and there I met Jesus. I didn't meet him in the lights and overwhelming extravagance of the city, but in a small gathering of people worshiping together in a small theater in Harlem.

For the first time in months, years even, I felt the presence of God with every fiber of my being.

Everything that I have been reading about, praying over, searching for, it has all suddenly been affirmed. I no longer just want to talk about these ideas, but I want to live them.

I am willing to talk to anyone who will listen to m

e for 15 minutes about this church and the experience I had there. My poor roommate and residence life staff, some of them have already witnessed my excitement.

This church completely took any expectations you may have previously had about church and shattered them. This wasn't a church but a community. It was community infested with people of every size, color, shape, style, and theology imaginable yet they all had two things in common.

They all recognize their brokenness.

They all see their deep need for Jesus.

Christianity to them is not a religion of rules that bind you to doctrinal theology, but a relationship. It is about a relationship with Jesus and relationships with one another.

When did church become a static institution instead of a dynamic community?

I sat in church on Sunday and could not help but think that this must have been what the early church was like. The congregation was engaged and interacting throughout the entire service. Not just when told they could now greet one another or when they were permitted to offer up prayer requests, but from the call to worship through communion and during the message everyone was engaged.

I want to live as a light on this campus and everywhere that I go. The question that I have now is what does that look like?

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can to make Jesus shine in my life all of the time. Putting on that outward smile and pretending to be on fire for him when I go out only leads to burnout and disappointment. That is not what I am trying to achieve.

All that I really want to do is worship and serve him with everything that I have in me. I want to praise him from the time that I wake up in the morning until I am ready for bed at night. If serving and worshiping Jesus was my every focus and aim, then I don't doubt everything else will fall into place.

Through him I am going to learn how to love, how to listen, and how to serve. Because of him my vision of community and living life with passion will catch on. I will begin to see him in even the smallest things. If my life is consumed by him, he will be able to show me truth in all of creation, not just what the church has deemed "Christian."

I have been jumping out of my skin with excitement all day. I feel like I'm in middle school all over again just coming back from a youth retreat, but actually all I did was spend a couple of hours in Harlem.

So now what? There are a couple of questions that I have been asking myself and wrestling with since being back at school.

1. Where do I go from here? Do I transfer schools and become a part of this community that gets it or do I stay here and try to make this vision come alive on this campus?

2. How do I act on these feelings and actually live them out right now?

Both of these are questions that I am seeking guidance in trying to answer and diligently praying through them.

What I have come up with for the second question is just to love on people. This campus is filled with broken people, more broken I think than many people living in the city. It is infested with this don't talk about it, go at it alone, your best is never good enough mentality. There are people that think they have it all figured out yet they have no idea who Jesus really is. These are the students that I want to love. I would love to break down their walls and barriers and just get into the heart of who they are.

There have been a number of people working on me for a few months now to get me to this place. They have shared their dreams and ideas, and my life will never be the same because of them.

I feel like I am finally getting it. I am finally at the place where I want to see this vision come to fruition and I want to see it grow. I don't have some big master plan to change the world, but I do have Jesus and I have myself. I have my time and the ability to invest and love on people one at a time. I like to think that we can take this world by storm working together one person at a time.

A Bit of a Response

2009-10-16T14:11:00.004-04:00

A good friend of mine recently tagged me in a very provocative note on facebook. If you want to read it so you know what I am talking about, just go to my facebook page and check out the notes that I'm tagged in.

What struck me most was the truth embodied in her writing. She was talking about herself, but I can resonate with her in many areas of my own life. I'll admit that it's scary sometimes how similar we are or the ways that we understand each other. Is it crazy that we have yet to actually meet? I can't help but sit here and smirk at that one.

Anyways, this is not meant to be about Joelle (sorry dude) but rather her post. She talked about the red pill. You know, the one that Neo decided upon in The Matrix? He chose to live completely aware of the reality surrounding him. He chose to take it full on, no longer living in oblivion to the truth.

I think we forget today how easy it is to do just that. We live our lives, following the rules, taking everything as it comes and dealing with it the way we have been taught how. Do we really even think for ourselves anymore or do we just let others, our parents, teachers, pastors, and friends, do it for us? Actually living in the world, thinking and developing your own ideas is scary as hell, but I would rather feel pain, fear, and sorrow and live in the truth than feel nothing at all.

I am just thinking about all of these preconceived notions that the church and the world today throw upon us and it almost angers me. They give us the black and white, the wrong and right, they tell us what this is rather than allow us to think and wrestle through these issues on our own. When was the last time that you really thought about and studied issues such as premarital sex, homosexuality, adultery, and divorce?

These topics are hardly mentioned in churches today let alone prayed though, thought about, and dealt with in terms of our culture today. Most of us have heard all of our lives that these things are 'wrong.' But why? That question we almost always shy away from.

Well, I am tired of it. I am tired of waking up every morning acting and thinking in ways that I have been told to. I am taking the reigns back, and giving them solely to my creator. I am learning to really live with Jesus as my one and only teacher. Yeah it's going to be a long and difficult journey, because this thinking is unlike all that I was brought up with. It may turn a lot of my beliefs and ideas upside down, but that is what I am looking for after all. There has to be more out there. Jesus did not come to restrict us in our thinking but to set us free. When the hell are people going to realize that?

This 'red pill' mentality, this being set free, is where true joy lies. This freedom allows me to seek out truth in everything and everywhere. Here's a bold statement for some of you Grover types, but truth is not just found in the Bible. Truth can be found everywhere. I am a believer in absolute truth, absolutely, but I know that God can reveal Himself to me anywhere, at anytime, through anything. He is God after all.

Amidst the Brokenness

2009-10-05T22:10:00.012-04:00

While my life is constantly changing, writing is something I hope will always remain constant. At the end of the day I can always come back to it despite my views, thoughts, or feelings. I was asked today to write an article for the school newspaper. Just a small piece on the racquetball team, but it's something. I don't remember who I was talking with not too long ago, but they encouraged me to look into writing for the paper so I will have some sample pieces written. If there was anyone who really wanted to check out my writing style I suppose I could point them in the direction of my blog, but these aren't exactly proofread or written with a professional air about them. Anyways I was asked to write this piece, and I didn't even need to go through the hassle of finding those in charge and asking how I could be involved. God is so good!

[Just a really random side note that should hardly be a part of this blog because I feel like it throws off the tone: I am randomly scattering some pictures from junior year throughout this post since I haven't put any up in a long time.]

I have no idea where He is taking me these days, but I know that wherever it is we are on our way there together. I remember back in high school when I felt so confused and overwhelmed with life. I had so many questions and even more fears! It was the end of the world if I didn't get a 1200 on my SAT's or if I got any lower than a B on anything. And then the questions: Where am I going to college? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? And the biggest one, (now my personal favorite) who am I going to marry? I have learned so much since then that I can't help but look back on these now trivial fears and laugh. Clearly the SATs did not have too much effect on my future, I got into my college of choice, and marriage is one of the farthest things from my mind. (Don't get me wrong it comes up, because I am a girl. And all girls, I don't care who you are, secretly have that desire for a big beautiful wedding.) But in all honesty I don't plan on getting married for quite some time, if at all. I believe I could live that lifestyle the apostle Paul calls the few too, one of singleness. That thought is daunting at times, but the thought of being closer to Jesus as a result trumps my fear. I am not ruling anything out, all I am saying is that I have expanded my horizons and my options are open. I am more willing than ever to go wherever Jesus calls me.

Jesus has really done a number on my heart lately. You know those times when you wonder where He is, and you just don't feel Him? You may doubt, you probably question, and then there are moments when you just want to give up. Well, lately I have had some of those times. Often they are merely moments, other times it is a couple of days, and awhile back it was a matter of weeks. No matter what happens though, He always proves faithful and He always comes back. Usually when I least expect it He moves in me in such a powerful way that it brings me to my knees. It is in these times that despite my brokenness He speaks to me. It remains a mystery to me how someone so broken can still be loved in such a powerful way by the Creator. That is just the awesomeness of Jesus.

I really don't think I can put all of my feelings down on paper. They are somewhere so deep inside of me and my words just are not enough.I am rendered speechless.
Yesterday we were listening to the radio on the way to University of Akron for day two of the racquetball tournament when a song by FFH came on. I had not heard their music in so long that it was rather refreshing. I remembered them again this morning so I decided to look them up and in my search I found their newest release, a song called "What it Feels Like". It is hot off the press and let me tell you this song speaks. I listened to it for the first time this morning while sitting in the Student Union and I was ever so close to breaking down in tears right then and there. Luckily I was able to wait until I got back to my room at the end of the day. It tells my story right now. If anything puts my feelings into words, this song is it.

Here are some of the lyrics, but I strongly encourage you to take five minutes and check it out!

The song is right on the homepage, just hit play.
So this is what it feels like to just fall apart
To be totally unglued
To find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me
I get all of You
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led

I have had the song playing almost all day long because I just can't seem to get enough of it.

Jesus has been revealing Himself and His will for me lately in ways I can't express. I have an unexplainable comfort in my future despite not having any idea what is going to happen. I used to be one who only looked ahead, hoping and praying that the future would be better than where I was currently at. But that got me thinking, what about the here and now? I know that I complain about this school a lot, but maybe He has me here for a reason. There just has to be people here who are searching for the same things I am. Maybe in some way (I have no idea how yet) I can have a positive effect on this campus. I want Jesus to use me in such a way, I am ready and willing. I desire that people see His love, His power, His greatness. I want them to see the ways that Jesus uses our brokenness and our sins for His glory. What an impact this campus could have if we stopped professing to be all-knowing in our faith and started asking the tough questions. If we brought Jesus to the here and now, if we continued to reform our faith instead of trying to contain it within this theological framework, I think we would be astounded by the ways God would move.

Painting A New Picture

2009-09-23T19:22:00.005-04:00

It appears to be a general pattern that I have periods when the creative juices are flowing and other times that are more of a dry spell. I have had the desire to write again for quite some time now, it just has not worked its way up on the priority list. Grove City College is kicking my butt this semester, and that's an understatement. With 17 credits (5 classes), RA responsibilities, 2 on-campus jobs (really only working about 6 hours a week), jazz band, and racquetball it is no wonder I am 'feelin' it.' When I write it all out like that even I can't help but think maybe I am a little crazy. I really can't believe that I am back at school already, and I am even more shocked that we are 4 weeks in. Say what?!

So what has been going on? What have I spent the last month and a half of my life doing? I am sure you are all chomping at the bit, just dying to know. So here we go with my recent spin on life. I feel like it has been changing rather frequently, gradually gaining ground (that's some sweet alliteration right there...sorry, English major in me taking over) on the 'liberal' side of the fence. That statement alone may be enough to make some of my fellow classmates scowl, close this window, and walk away. If you are so closed-minded that you have already formed such an opinion, then by all means please stop reading. Those actions are exactly what have brought me to the place I am now, and they are ultimately only working to prove my point.

In all seriousness though I have to thank Grove City College and its conservative ideals for what it has done for me. It has brought me to a place of greater understanding and openness. It has certainly encouraged me to break out of this 'mold', to see that there is more out there than just what is presented to us here on this campus. It is those conversations of theology, those ones way over my head, that I hear on a daily basis, which make me wonder. I mean arguing with someone about predestination, what forms of worship are 'acceptable', or what denomination has better theology is pointless to me. If someone who has no idea who Jesus really is was to walk by during that conversation, you really think they are going to be convinced of his love, his mercy, or grace? I think they are going to be thankful they never got involved in all of this religious nonsense because of the tension, conflict, and course closed-mindedness that is so often associated with people who claim Jesus as their God.

Where has the simplicity of it all gone? And by simplicity I do not mean that choosing Jesus is easy, quite the opposite. Where is the unrelenting love? Countless times have I felt unloved and unaccepted in a supposedly 'Christian' setting. Of course, I am guilty of it myself! This is where we go wrong. We are so busy condemning and forming our own opinions of sin in this world, we forget that maybe if we cared more, if we really loved, then maybe these sin issues would take care of themselves. If our focus is truly on Jesus then don't worry, He will make us alarmingly aware of our sins. We don't need the church, a place that should be safe, filled with love and support, condemning and looking down on us. I do believe that we are called to challenge and confront each other, but in no way have we been granted the authority to condemn. So I would really appreciate it if you let Jesus deal with me. I can assure you that I am seeking him whole heartedly, that I am seeking Him for the answers to these tough questions. He does place people in our paths that help us answer these questions, that listen and work through them with us, so don't think that I am saying not to seek advice. I am just hesitant to come to people with my issues that I know will immediately lead into a discussion of the do's and don'ts of Christianity.

I am sick and tired of the black and white, the rules! I hate the Christian's daily 'checklist.' Did I read my Bible today? Check. Pray? Check. Help an old lady cross the street? Check. Sin as little as possible? Check. If everything has been done, then I guess I have been a pretty good Christian today. That list only leaves me exhausted and anxious. So then what should I be doing? If I throw away these rules and these lists, what does that leave me with? How do I live outside of the box that has built around me throughout my entire Christian walk? I guess breaking down these walls puts me on level ground with all of the other sinners out there. I am no longer separating myself, blind and unaware of what is actually taking place in the world around me. This mindset ultimately brings freedom. I can be like Jesus and reach people where they are at, bringing them what they actually need, not what I think they need. Jesus said that when someone is thirsty, BRING THEM WATER. He didn't say pray with them, read Scripture with them, or convict them or their sins. He said meet them where they are at. These acts of love, true love, will reveal Jesus in your life. It will leave people wondering what it is about you that is so different, because I promise you they will wonder.

Doesn't this picture of Jesus sound better than what we are used to hearing from churches today? We forget that Jesus can work with us where we are at now, that He isn't trying to make us become someone we are not. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of questions yet to be answered, but I am seeking Him and I am searching for the truth. And that, I believe, is what matters.

Becoming Real

2009-07-23T23:48:00.004-04:00

Alright so this is going to be the third blog that I have attempted to write in the past two or three weeks. The first two clearly never got finished but hopefully I will be able to finish this one. So many things have happened since the last time that I wrote I really do not even know where to begin. I have been at camp for almost 5 weeks now, and already so much has changed since the day I first set foot into room 253 of Zeitfuss 2. This may sound selfish, I will explain more later, but I knew coming into this summer that it was going to be about me. I knew that I was ready for a change, for something to be different. I knew that I was ready to put aside the plastic smile, the "everything is going to be okay" line, and for the first time in my life lay everything down and figure out what it's like to be real.

The world is screaming at us to be these fake people wearing nothing greater than a size 2, showing girls movies with nothing less than a happy ending , and begging us to keep all of our issues inside and under control.I think half of the problems this world has today would be solved if people were just real. It is keeping everything bottled up and inside that ultimately causes one to snap.

I have always been a rather observant person, but now I feel like there is a whole new level to my observations. The people that seem to have it all together are in actuality the people who are lost. It makes me sad because they are lost and do not even know it. Not until you sit down and deal with your issues, feel them, take them in, are you going to find true peace and contentment. I am sure that some of you reading this are thinking that I have jumped off the deep end. Or maybe you are thinking, "What is she talking about? I really don't have that many issues to deal with." Coming into this summer I thought the same exact thing. But what I have realized is that even the problems that seem small to you can have a bigger impact than you think. Bottom line, your issues are your issues and whether you like it or not they need to be dealt with.

How we deal with all of these emotions and problems is another issue in and of itself. We all have our coping mechanisms, some may be healthier than others, but in essence they serve the same purpose. I guess I'll be real here and share mine with you. The way I cope with everything is nothing extreme, it is socially acceptable, which is why until now no one has called me out on it before. So what do I do when someone or something sets me off? Plain and simple, I work out. I will go running, play racquetball, go rock climbing, play tennis, or anything that gets my blood pounding and my heart racing. Working out is healthy, when it's not covering up your issues. If you know me well enough I am sure that if you really think about it you will know how true that rings with me. Just because I have recognized this doesn't mean that I have completely stopped this behavior, but I think that just realizing how I deal with everything is the first step.

So now what? I mean where in the world does Jesus fit into all of this? Well, let me tell you that I have been clinging to Him like none other these past few weeks. My strength in dealing with all of these issues comes from Him and Him alone. Without Him I don't know if I would have been able to handle laying everything down and actually dealing with it, it would have completely broken me. But I must say that He has kept me relatively strong throughout it all. Another lesson that He is teaching me is how to be patient. I am at the point in my life where I am waiting on a lot of things. I am waiting to figure out my calling in life, who I am going to marry, what to do after college, and the list could continue on. Instead of waiting many times I find myself needing or anticipating the things that I want instead of clinging to Jesus and what He wants for me. It is not until I am completely filled and satisfied with myself in Him that I am going to be ready to love another person.

These are just the things that I have been working through and dealing with since coming here. In some ways this camp is nothing like I expected, but in other ways it is everything that I hoped it would be and then some. It hasn't been easy realizing that life is not all rosy and sometimes it just isn't going to be okay, but I suppose that is what being real is all about. The good news in all of this is that when you are real, that is where true peace, true understanding, true caring, and true love are really found.

All the Differences

2009-07-01T13:48:00.006-04:00

I am exhausted so I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. I have been at CAMP-of-the-WOODS for about a week and a half now. I think this is a good time to write about my experiences because I am not loving the place right now but I am not hating it either. If it was not for the people that I have meet here, I know that I would not be enjoying myself as much as I am. The short time amount of time that I have been here has already affected my attitude and views of life as I know it. That sounds much more dramatic than it really is, but allow me to explain. Here I am in the middle of nowhere, the nearest anything is about an hour away, yet I feel like I have never been more surrounded by city life and their culture before. If I am being honest with myself, little Gowanda and even Buffalo are pretty safe and tame. I am used to the passiveness of quaint little towns like Gowanda and Grove City, and thanks to these places and these life experiences I have fallen in love with the outdoors, hiking, swimming, and anything else that might involve getting my hands dirty. So what I have realized is that it is a rather naïve thought to believe that most people have the same attitude and outlook on life. Of course I knew this, but never to the extent which I know now.

What really amazes me here is that while we all come from different backgrounds, most of us are all Christians, and a lot of us have very different stories and different paths that we have taken to get to where we are now. I have really enjoyed getting to know these girls though and hear their stories, because they are so real and have truly opened my eyes to what is going on elsewhere in the world. I just find it ironic that I am in the middle of nowhere yet I am more exposed to city life than ever before. Thanks to two of my roommates and the girls on my staff I currently have my hair in cornrows and have been learning the city talk, which is almost a new language in itself.

A lot of times when we sit down and we just talk about life I don't feel like I have a lot to contribute because I have not been through half of the things that some of these girls have been through. What I have realized that I can do though is just be there to listen. Who am I to try and fix things for them and give them life-changing advice anyways? That is one thing about my personality, I love to help people and I want to "fix" them. What I have been learning is that the only person who is qualified to truly fix people is Christ and Christ alone. I have discovered that listening, being open and understanding is often times more fulfilling than giving advice anyways. Hearing about the lives and experiences of those who have lived completely different lives than I have has been an eye opening and learning experience for me. I have discovered that there is not one set way to bring glory and praise to Jesus Christ. It is an amazing thing that while we are all so different, we are united because of one person.

That thinking brings me to another realization. Is it just me or do you ever find yourself wondering why it was that Christ had to die for us? Of course I know and understand that he died for our sins and to save us from what we truly deserve, but I can't help but wonder if maybe there was more. And now as I sit here reflecting, I truly see that it is through Christ we are all united. I have trouble thinking of anything else that would bring such different people together except the blood of Christ. Together we sing out His praises and we worship him, despite our broken pasts and where we come from, we worship the creator and the God of the universe! So on that note, I have truly been blessed to be here and I can't think of any better way to end this post so I am going to leave it right here.

COTW!

2009-06-23T22:17:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Resort…Er, I mean CAMP-of-the-WOODS. This is where I am going to be spending the next nine weeks of my life. So far I have rather mixed emotions about the place. It is called Camp-of-the-Woods, but in reality there is nothing that "camp-ish" about it. I am living in a dorm room (much nicer than any rooms at Grove City) with 2 other girls. We have our own bathroom, spacious closets, and an amazing common room downstairs. I must admit that we are a bit spoiled. These accommodations are great, but I am having trouble coming up with a reason for their necessity. The schedule that I am following so far gives me very little time to enjoy such amenities. I am so tired at the end of the day that I could be sleeping in a tent in the middle of the woods every night and I would be content. So to make matters worse, because our rooms are so nice they are militant about keeping them clean. I actually think they do room checks more often than the actual military. Every single morning our rooms get inspected. All beds must be made, floors cleaned and vacuumed, beds made, nothing is allowed on any counters or surfaces that is not a shelf, and I could keep going. When am I going to find time to clean? Well, at 10:00pm of course. After a day of working from 7:15 in the morning to 5:30, then dinner, then a mandatory group "fun" activity, I am ready for bed at 9:00 when they finally take the shackles off our feet. Okay, so I may be a little over dramatic because it isn't terrible but right now I am so exhausted that all I want to do is collapse. Which is exactly what I am going to do. My roommate just got out of the shower and so I am going to take one and crash. I will finish this post later.

Alright I am going to try and finish this up before I fall asleep. This post has been written over the course of two days by the way. I started it last night (Monday) and it is now Tuesday night. Today I am feeling much better about all of the work that we have to do than yesterday. It is really the people that have made it fun and completely worthwhile. Today as part of our "training" the entire rec staff was required to do the zip line. For those of you that do not know what that is, it is a wire 40 feet up in the air that you zoom across. The scariest part is climbing all the way up the tree and getting yourself onto the platform. Once I was up there I was more or less fine. Jumping off was a bit daunting, but completely worthwhile. One of the greatest parts was encouraging each other, especially those that were terrified, to jump. We all did it! All 18 (I think.) of us on the recreation staff. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day because we have a carnival that we are running for the entire town of Speculator, not that it is very big, and the rest of the COTW staff. Unfortunately this does mean that we are required to work until at least 9:00 tomorrow night with no breaks in between except for lunch and dinner. In all seriousness, I do not think that I have ever worked so hard in my life. What makes it all worth it is the fun that we have been having after 6:30pm. The girls have been getting together to do Zumba, an amazing dance workout and 8 minute abs. I am going to be in the best shape of my life at the end of this summer.

I know that I have so much more I want to write about but I am so tired I need to get some sleep. My alarm goes off much earlier than I would like it too. I hope to find the energy to get a good post in eventually, but right now I can hardly think straight. Hope you have enjoyed!

Breaking the Fast

2009-06-20T01:40:00.005-04:00

I knew that I would not last very long without blogging. I have so many thoughts and ideas that I want to share, I just do not believe that I can go very long without writing anything. My mind literally lives and breathes sentences that I want to write down. It is kind of like people who love math. We have all heard about those that just love rearranging numbers in their minds to form patterns and make them more interesting. These people are commonly known as the Math nerds. I wonder if computer geeks think about codes and programs that they could create? Unlike them, I do not think about numbers and computer programs but words and sentence structure. Oh dear that makes me sound...Well, I do not even have the words. I promise those of you who may not know me, I am not as strange as I may come across on here. Anyways, the moral of the story is that I love to write. I truly think I have discovered one of my greatest passions and maybe eventually, greatest talent.

Tonight I am going to pour out my thoughts about all that is changing around me. Change is happening every single day, and today more than ever I realized that nothing stays as it is. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me as I embark on a new adventure. To be honest I have no idea what I am getting into, and as I sit here surrounded by all of my belongings packed up and ready to go I cannot help but feel a mix of emotions. First of all I am excited. Excited to see what life has up ahead and excited to meet an entire group of new people. Second, I am nervous. Who wouldn't be? It is like Freshman year of college all over again, because I have no idea who I am going to be living with for the next two months. I can't help but think about the worse possible case scenarios. I am sure it is going to be awesome, but you cannot blame me for being a bit skeptical. So that is the change that is up ahead. At least I have fair warning, that is something to be thankful for.

I do have a bit of sad news, hopefully I can keep in the tears while writing all of this down. I apologize in advance if I choke anyone up while reading this. This morning my mom and I took our dog, Mulligan, to the vet and when we walked out he was no longer with us. We got our spunky Golden Retriever named Sir Mulligan Stu when I was only 10 years old. He turned 13 this April, and it was only this year that you would have ever known that he was such an old dog. Even I began to lose track of the years, naively believing that Mulligan would be forever young. Well unfortunately this past week he began losing weight and tumors we growing at various places on his body. His arthritis was also getting worse and he could no longer even stand up without someones help. So this morning when my mom told me that she scheduled a doctors appointment for him, I knew that this was it. It was time to start saying our goodbyes. It was difficult listening to my mom recall all of the happy memories and good times that we shared with Mulligan while we made the trip to the Veterinarians. I just starred out the widow for fear of completely losing it. I often wonder if after so many years of living with humans, can animals begin to understand what we are saying? Maybe that is a stupid thought, but it does bring me some comfort to believe that maybe they can. The doctor told us that there were not very many options and so we decided that it was time to end his suffering. I can say that saying goodbye was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I will never forget the way that Mulli looked at me when the doctor carried him out of the room. At that moment I just knew that we were making the right decision and it was almost as if he was telling me it was going to be okay. He was looking right into my eyes as the doctor carried him away, and I will never be able to forget it. I am all choked up right now just typing this. Being home has been hard because I am so used to him always being here. I am still expecting to hit him with the basement door when I come flying up the stairs or to hear him scratching at my bedroom door any minute now. While this is all very hard, I am also thankful that he is not suffering any more. And I am even more thankful that I got the chance to know him at all, that he gave me all of the childhood memories that he did.
Okay, I will stop making you tear up now. On a happy, rather exciting note, there have been some good changes that have occured with me. First things first, I chopped off all my hair! Not too much of course, but enough. I do like my hair shorter rather than longer. Secondly, after much thinking and designing I have finally gotten my first tattoo. I designed it myself which makes it mean that much more. It is a cross with a jesus fish composed of two nails wrapped around it. It also says Via, Verita, Vita which means the way, the truth, and the life in Italian. I got it on my left side, on my ribs, which I hear is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo. It was painful, but still bearable. It still does not seem real, and I am half expecting that it is going to come off the next time I take a shower. Alright I am sorry to end this so abrubtly because there is so much more that I want to write about and tell about, but I am afraid that it is 2:30 in the morning and I have to be up early to finish packing and get on the road. I do not know when I am going to be able to write again so for all I know this could be it for the summer. Please keep me in your prayers this summer and I will do my best to keep you updated. <3

An Old End. A New Beginning.

2009-06-04T11:10:00.005-04:00

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and much of that has included this little blog of mine. We have been through a lot together, especially the past few months. Whenever I need to let off some steam and write, this is usually where I come to do it. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and I hope those of you that have read this have enjoyed them as well. So here is the hard part. I think it is time for me let this blog go. We have had a nice year and a half together, but as in all things we are coming to an end. I think my life is beginning to head down a different path, different from what I would have predicted a few months or even weeks ago. I guess things have been changing for some time now, I just was not ready to accept that. So now, thinking clearly, I am ready to push ahead out into the world. People change, and all it takes as a matter of months. I have seen it in others before my very eyes and I am seeing change taking place in myself all the time. I don't know what is in store for me, or what lay on the path ahead but you can bet that I am excited to find out. It is like God has taken me by the hand and ever so gently, despite all my tugging and fighting to go my own way, He has led me here. Right where I need to be.

Saying goodbye here is kind of hard, but I am sure that I will be starting a new blog soon enough. Just not all of you are going to know where to find it. Sorry. I believe that it is time to cut off some old ties, close some doors, and watch as new ones open. So in some ways, continuing to write here has been holding me back from where I need to be. Some of you may not understand what I am saying, but I know that others will. Lately I have just been led in a new direction, and I am scared and excited at the same time to see where I am going to end up. Some old relationships have been rekindled the past few weeks and others have come to an abrupt end. As sad as that is, like I said before, people change. I have found myself looking at some old friends hardly knowing who they are and I am sure they have thought the same in me. I can't say that I am complaining, I believe my change is good. That is why this last thread from the past few months needs to be cut. I'm not going to completely delete it off the world wide web, there are too many memories here and too many lessons that I have learned to just let it all go. I am sure there is going to come a time when I will want to come back and reminisce. And who knows maybe these doors of my life will be opened back up someday. Right now I can't really say since they have so firmly been shut.

So in closing, I hope you all have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Who even reads this anymore, I do not know. If ever I start a new blog, I will let some of you know and others I won't. Next time I write probably will not become such public knowledge. Sorry. Well I guess this is it, the end. I'm walking ahead down a new path, through new doors, and embarking on a new adventure.

Late Night Thinking

2009-06-01T01:43:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the thoughts just can't wait until morning or sometime the next day to be put down. I believe that I work the best and think the clearest in the late hours of the night. It is when everyone else is sleeping that I can think clearest and work my best. If I was ever going to be a writer of any kind, I think I would do all of my work late at night. It is so peaceful. If it was warmer outside I would be out on the back porch right now, at 1:45 in the morning. Instead, picture this if you will, I am sitting in the basement inside of a one person Winnie the Pooh tent that my little brother managed to acquire today. I am nestled into a bundle of blankets and the song We Weren't Crazy by Josh Gracin is playing softly in the background. Real quick, can I just take the time to say how much I love Rascal Flatts and their new C.D. I don't know what they are going through, but the C.D. that they put out before this one was filled with love songs and now this one is a bit more depressing, not so happy. I don't mind, speaks to me in my time of need as well as many others I am sure. The best part is, my favorite song, Unstoppable is what they named their C.D. after. Give it is a listen and you will see what I mean. It should be the song that is playing on my blog right now, so turn up that volume.

Today was Sunday and unfortunately I had to work this evening. It almost seems like a completely different day already, like I did not even work today, but unfortunately the throbbing of my feet tells me otherwise. After work tonight I went and spent some time with my good friend Ashley who is having some guy problems of her own at the moment. It is not so much that I can relate to what she is going through, but the fact that I am there to listen and try to offer her some advice when possible. It is hard to know where she is really at, what to say, what not to say because we do have differing views on a lot of life. What I do know is that I am going to be as real as I possibly can with her. All that I went through this year is no secret, and I feel comfortable sharing it with any girl that wants to listen or feels like they can relate. Did I make mistakes? Undoubtedly. But despite any of that, I learned so much more. And what is more important, is that there is no denying God's grace and His hand working in any of it. I was not shy in mentioning tonight that without my faith, without Jesus, I would not be where I am right now. I will make that perfectly clear to anyone who wants to hear my story.

Tonight as I drove home I realized how much I love driving, especially alone. I can think and pray more than most other times throughout my day. I pulled into my driveway at about 1:30 this morning and just sat there for a couple minutes before getting out of the car. Tonight was a beautiful night, another great thing about living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. The stars were out and the moon (half moon) was huge and orange. You know what I am talking about? And it was beautiful because those little wispy clouds were slightly covering it, but not too much. Just enough to add a cool effect. I could not help but stand there and soak it all in for a few moments, taking the time to thank the Lord for absolutely everything.

Today was Sunday, which means that I went to church this morning! It was actually the first time in a few weeks that I was at my own church because I have been such a gypsy lately. Last week I went to a Catholic service with my grandmother and who knows where I was the week before. Anyways, it served as the rejuvenation and refreshment that I have been looking for. Today's message talked about sanctification and becoming a sanctified people. The main passage for the message this morning was 1 Peter 4:1-6 and I would highly recommend looking into it if you get the chance. The words of Pastor Vern that stuck with me the most came as he defined sanctification; becoming so tuned in to what God is doing that you see Him everywhere. I can't quite imagine that, obviously because God is not done with me yet. I mean can you imagine being that in tune with God that you can see how He is at work in everything? Another great analogy that was brought to my attention this morning was our Christian walk being described as a yo-yo. We all know that it is filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, in betweens, blacks, whites, and shades of gray. While we are going through these highs and lows however we are learning and growing with each step of the way. So instead of just a yo-yo, it is more like we are yo-yoing while continually climbing up a flight of stairs. I can see it in my own life. I just know that slowly but surely Jesus is infiltrating every area of my life. When I finally give Him one thing, He asks for another and then another. Hands down, Jesus is pretty much the coolest person I know. End of discussion.

Lots of Random Paragraphs

2009-05-30T21:12:00.007-04:00

I look out my window right now, and where there should be the endings of a pretty little sunset I see a giant black cloud heading right for us. Just standing at the window and watching it I can see lightening bolts coming down in the distance. I used to be deathly afraid of lightening and thunder storms. I think I have grown out of that now, I actually rather enjoy them. I also used to be scared of fireworks, and I must admit that I still am. There is just something about balls of fire flying up in the sky, shaking the earth, and then flying back down at you that just sends me running indoors. I don't know who ever decided that such a thing was 'safe' and enjoyable. I would personally be thrilled if fireworks were banned forever. Why can't the fourth of July be celebrated in some other, safer, quieter way? We could shoot colored cotton balls into the sky. It would be quieter and much safer. No one minds being hit with cotton. Balls of fire on the other hand, I have an issue with that. How did I get started on all of this? Oh yes, the thunderstorm. The wind is now blowing and the rain has just started to come down by the way.

Moving on. What have I been doing with myself lately? Well I spent the majority of my day today working to serve the bikers that poured into Olympia. This weekend is Harley Happenings in this little bitty town of ours, which means that hundreds and hundreds of motorcycles line Main St. all weekend long. There are bands that play, people everywhere, and of course lots and lots of beer. Our town is never busier than on this particular weekend. Oh! I am jumping too far ahead of myself. I need to fill you all in on the fun little adventure that I had on Thursday with my old friend Liz. We were besties in seventh grade and surprisingly we have been able to keep in touch ever since. Here is a testimony for you about the way's God works to bring people together. Way back in the day, seventh grade to be precise, I was just beginning to experience God's greatness and to learn of the sacrifice His Son made for me. I was a new Christian and coming out of the Catholic church I was still rather unsure about the whole thing, so I kept it to myself and did not really let my little light shine. If I am not mistaken, I believe that Liz was in the same boat I was and therefore we never talked about our faith with one another, even though we had very similar beliefs. Well in time, after a move to Gowanda and time in which we grew in our faiths, it was soon no secret that each of us was deeply in love with Jesus Christ. So now here we are, almost eight years later. We have been brought together as friends and it was so nice to have another sister in Christ to talk to about all that has been going on with our lives. Having someone to talk to, relate to, to give and get advice from, knowing that they have similar values and beliefs as you is one of the greatest gifts.

The hike we went on was unbelievable. It was near Chestnut Ridge Park, in these woods right across the street from in actually. I will post some pictures because it really was a beautiful little hike. We then stumbled upon this littler creek that we followed until we reached a waterfall. Inside of the waterfall is this little fire (that runs on gas I am sure), but it never goes out. Some people call it the eternal flame and others call is gaslight falls. Whatever it is called, I love it.

So here is a little something that I am getting absolutely sick and tired of. I am tired, beyond belief tired, of guys thinking that they have the right to treat girls the way that they do. In my opinion we should be treated like princesses. Guys, you do that and we'll treat you with respect. I don't mean to talk back about them all, because I know that good ones are out there, but after a friend came to me in tears today I just can not take any more. I do not understand who some of these guys think they are! And I have dealt with my fair share of these (I will not swear) guys, this year. Ah. And girls, what are you doing staying with them? They hurt you once, and the second they apologize and come running back you, you fling wide the doors to your heart and let them right back in. Respect yourselves a little more than that, I beg you. I have decided that I am done, completely done. I am just going to sit around and let Mr. Right find me, because clearly all the looking that I have been doing has not worked yet. I want a guy who loves me and who is willing to fight for me. Actually fight for me. There are tons of country singers out there who sing about how sad they are when the girl they love walks out on them, and they sing about fighting for her, about how much they truly loved her. Well, I have yet to find any guy who has loved or fought like that. So when I find him, I suppose I will have to keep him around. I have a feeling it is going to be a while, but I am in no hurry. So that is that. I think I am going to call it a night. I am in the middle of reading The Hobbit, and I am anxious to see what is going to happen next.

Life

2009-05-28T00:32:00.007-04:00

I just got home from Buffalo where I attended my 98 year-old, great great aunts piano recital. Yes you heard me right, her piano recital. I only hope that when I am that old I can be as active as she is. She plays the piano, paints, and reads like its all going out of style. She is 98 years-old and you would think that she is in her 70's. She lives on her own, does not need a walker or a cane to get around, and she is sharp as a whistle. If anyone has ever lived life to the fullest, it is her. I can only hope that I have inherited those genes.

Anyways this piano recital was at this Universalist church in Buffalo, and it was comprised of 25 students ranging in age from 5 to 98. While my aunt was great (she played a wonderful Spanish piece) by far the best performer was this boy named Alexi. He was only 17 years old and he arranged his own piece which was a hodge-podge of Duke Ellington pieces. Here is the best part...be ready for this...he only has one good hand. One. His right arm cuts off right before the elbow, so all he has is a stub there, but that has not stopped him. If you sat on the other side of that piano you would never know that he only had one hand. He was truly an inspiration. The recital was beyond words. So here I sat at this Universalist church listening to a variety of music performed by these students, including the one Rascal Flatts song that stops me dead in my tracks. (No, I'm not kidding...So there's your shout out. You know what song I am talking about.) I was certainly amused.

So I thought that since I was home now that I would be blogging more frequently, but instead it has been quite the opposite. I have not written the past couple of days because I needed a little time to cool off before writing anything because there was a time that I was tempted to just speak my mind completely. Oh brother that would have been a bad life choice. So the past, two days I think, I have kept as busy as possible, and I have been relying on the Lord like it's my job (well it kind of is). Suddenly I have found that I literally have no one else. No one else can fill me up like He does, no one can fill the void that He so perfectly fits into. I have done more praying these last 48 hours than I have done in a long time. Whenever I need to talk to someone, I talk to Jesus, whenever I am sad, I tell Him about it, I pray for others, I beg Him to take all of me, completely, 100%. What in the world do people do without Jesus? I get down on life enough with Him, if He wasn't there, if I did not have Him to turn to, I would be so lost. Just the thought scares me. I stumbled upon these verses in the book of Acts yesterday morning and I can't help but share them. They really come from Psalm 16, but are reiterated here in Acts:

"I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to the the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence."
-Acts 2: 25-28

I have been filled with a joy lately that I have never felt before. Everything that I do and everything I find happiness in I attribute to the Lord. I have been finding joy in even the smallest of things. I am learning to love life, to love everything about it, everything that I have been so blessed with. One thing I have truly begun to appreciate is this small town that I live in. It reminds me of Stars Hollow except (in the words of Ashley Moran) her aunt owns the diner, not Luke Danes. For those of you not familliar with Stars Hollow, I would highly recommend that you catch up on your Gilmore Girls. I need to find me a Luke, a Luke who loves Jesus though.

I suppose I should get going soon, since it is 1:30 a.m. I hope you like the music that I put up on the blog! For your listening pleasure. I will probably change it often, depending on my mood. These two songs are ones that I have described my mood lately, well my mood tonight at least. I tried putting up the song Found by Josh Gracin, but I could not get a good copy of it. So if you want to hear a good song and you are feeling ambitious, check it out on youtube. I hope that ya'll are having a good night.

Sir Wellington and Mrs. Mississippi

2009-05-22T23:26:00.008-04:00

Today, the day I have been dreading for months, the day that I thought would be depressing and a tough one to get through, turned out to be one of the greatest that I have had in a while. It began as a good day with tennis, a long drive out to Rochester, and cooking dinner with Di. What really ended the day with a bang was a nice long walk on the beach, ice cream cone in hand, and sunset in the background. It was like a movie. I was wearing a skirt and flip-flops, and the wind was lightly blowing. I love watching the people. Tonight I did not even cringe at the sight of cute couples holding hands watching as their kids ran ahead chasing seagulls. Instead of grow green with envy and jealousy, I watched and really appreciated them. I trust that my time will come soon enough. So Di and I took a nice long walk and talked about life. It was the most relaxing and peaceful time that I have experienced in a long time. And once again I stand in awe, completely amazed at how God works. The day that I thought for certain would be the toughest to get though ended up being a day that I can look back on and actually smile. Let me tell you, God is good.

Can I just say that the men who will be privileged enough to spend their lives with either Di or I, well they will be two very lucky guys. Because guys, we can cook. For dinner we cooked chicken wellington, asparagus, and cinnamon buns topped with fresh strawberries. We then decided to test out a dessert and chose Mississippi Mud Pie. It was the fanciest, most sophisticated meal that I have ever cooked. And we did it all by our lonesome. It all went off without a hitch, well except for the part when I put aluminum foil in the microwave. I don't know why I am telling you this, I suppose to add a little laughter to your life. I needed to soften a piece of chocolate from a candy bar because I was making chocolate curly-q shavings. Well I accidentally left the aluminum part on the wrapper. I thought it was just paper, but I was not really thinking. Luckily I only put it in for 5 seconds, but that 5 seconds was the longest of my life. We watched in horror as a mini-lightening storm occurred inside of the microwave, ending in the candy bar catching on fire. I quickly blew it out and life resumed as usual, so no need to be alarmed. But other than that everything turned out even better than I would have expected.

So pretty much life has been great since school has ended. The saying is true, home is where the heart is. I am getting excited for the summer to begin and to spend it in the Adirondacks! I can't wait to see how God is going to use me there and what He is going to teach me. I feel like God has taught me so much in the past few months, how could I possibly deserve to be blessed with anything more? But the good news is that God keeps on giving and giving, He never grows tired of it. He never stops loving us or stops teaching us. I just really love Jesus a lot. So this summer is going to be a time of preparation and hopefully maturation. I hope to come back to school refreshed, ready to tackle my role as an RA, as a student, and as a friend. I challenge you to do the same. Well it is time for this girl to settle in for the night. Di and I plan on falling asleep to the sweet sounds of Rory and Lorelai Gilmore.

What Is Right

2009-05-18T23:03:00.003-04:00

It has been almost one week since arriving back on Flavia Circle. Home sweet home. For the first time ever I did not go home a single extra time last semester. Which is surprising since last semester was by far the worst semester and the hardest of my college career. I have never, in all my life, had to deal with so much. The last few months tried and tested every almost every aspect of my life, and for all I know the test is still in progress. Home has been therapeutic though. Getting away from campus and back to what is familiar is exactly what I needed. I must admit that I have not been doing much of anything. I have watched countless episodes of Gilmore Girls and a number of random movies. I have Pride & Prejudice playing in the background right now to be honest. I have made it a point to stay active and start getting into summer shape though. Running has been my weapon of choice and I am currently 5 days strong.

I have received some information about camp this summer and I am a bit more skeptical than I had previously been. It seems that they walk a straighter line than I had originally assumed. No wearing Abercrombie, mandatory daily chapel (although I really can't complain about that), and a dress code for Sunday mornings. If I am planning on ever wearing a skirt it has to come mid-calf. Where am I going to find a skirt that falls mid-calf? I don't think I will. Hopefully these things will not get in the way too much though. I have heard so many good things about this camp that I am sure the good will far outweigh the bad. Which reminds me, I was thinking yesterday about how often we focus on the negative. Think about it! All the time! I know I do at least, but I can not imagine that I am the only one. It is so much easier to think about the bad rather than the good. So instead of focusing on what has gone wrong, from now on I am going to try and focus more of my attention on what has gone right. I think that is a much better outlook on life. Alright I do have much more that I want to write but I am starting to fall asleep. Maybe tomorrow I will make more time.

A Day to Honor

2009-05-10T11:36:00.004-04:00

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, astounded by the ways that God is working in my life. He speaks to my heart again and again, and each time He provides confirmation that it is Him and not just me making things up on my own. God is still speaking to His people today and it is a beautiful thing. I have been a complete and utter wreck that past couple of weeks but at the same time I have been at peace. At peace with what God is doing, knowing that He is working on my heart. Do you ever have those times where it just seems like one thing after another? I am not kidding when I say that this semester has been exactly like that. Every time I think things possibly could not get any worse, they do. Instead of always looking at it negatively I am trying to take all of these lessons and experiences and run with them. If I have to go through this, I am going to learn from it. If I have learned anything, it has been about commitment and relationships. Not with just your typical guy-girl relationship (although that has been thrown in there) but also about my relationship with Christ. I am committed to Him like I have never been committed to anything before. Despite everything and anything, I cling to him for dear life. I want to spend my time in complete worship to Him. I feel like a broken record, all of my posts have been about just this. I just can't say it enough!

I really do have a real message here that I want to write about. It has been something that God has placed on my heart and so now I am actually acting on it. As I have said time and time again this semester has been insane and I am literally at the end of my rope. Needless to say, I am tired. I came back to my room after my Organic final last night and my brain was literally shut down. I did not know what to do when I got back to my room. I knew I was not going to do any more studying, but even watching a movie or playing bubble spinner was too much to handle. Anyways, the past few weeks I have just been so tired of school, of emotions running haywire, relationships, you name it. Physically and emotionally, I am drained. So I got to thinking about how I can combat such feelings. Let's face it, even when I take the time on Friday and Saturday nights to relax, I always feel guilty because I have thoughts of all the work that needs to be done swimming in my head. I then realized that my rest and relaxation need to come from the Lord, but how? And then it hit me...Sunday! We have been given the Sabbath to stop worrying about all the work that needs to be done and to rest in the Lord. Only He can truly fill us and refresh us.

So I started talking to some of my friends that take Sunday's off. A day that is usually filled with studying for the week ahead, they spend resting. The idea just sounded so appealing to me! A day that I would not have to feel guilty for, to take all of the time I need to slow down and glory in the Lord. As a result I have been wrestling with this thought for a few weeks. Do I give up my Sunday's? I do my devotions every day, is that not enough? Thinking about all the extra work I would have to do on Friday's and Saturday's to make up for it made this idea seem unreasonable and unappealing. But of course God kept knocking on my heart until I finally heard Him. This morning I got confirmation that this truly was something He has placed upon my heart, and if I listen to Him I am going to be blessed beyond belief.

I debated about whether or not I should go to church this morning because I work up later than usual and I would have to go alone this week. I finally made up my mind to go, and it was a good thing I did. Because wouldn't you know that the message this very morning concerned rest and honoring the Sabbath. I almost fell over in my chair because it was the very message I had been waiting to hear. Not only did the message speak directly to me this morning, going to church alone ended up being a blessing in and of itself. I was sitting alone when this couple came and sat next to me. I started talking to them, telling them about my plans for the summer and they told me a little about themselves. The girl that I met, pretty sure her name was Erin, asked me after church if she could pray for me. So we sat there for ten minutes after the service praying together. Even though we just met she was such an encouragement!

Back to my thoughts concerning the Sabbath day. We have been commanded to obey the Sabbath and there is no doubt that we are blessed when we honor the Lord's day. Taking the time to rest is not a suggestion but a commandment (Exodus 20:8)! In this busy world it is not easy to take time off. It may sound like a bit of an oxymoron but you have to work in order to find rest. It's not just going to come to you, you must consciously make the decision to give a day up to the Lord.

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not going as you please or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride of the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
Isaiah 58: 13-14

So from now on, that is going to be my aim. I have a final tomorrow night at 7:00 but I am not going to begin studying until tomorrow morning. I think that 12 hours should be more than enough time, but it is still a bit daunting not to be studying today. I don't know what else this implies, it is probably different for each individual. Should I no longer go out on Sunday's? What about going out to breakfast? Because then I am causing other people to work on the Sabbath on account of me. This is something I am going to be meditating on and bringing before the Lord, asking Him to personally convict me. I am confident that by turning to Him, He is going to teach me how to properly worship Him on the Sabbath.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-29

Something to Get Excited About

2009-05-08T10:42:00.004-04:00

I just spewed forth a fountain of Biological knowledge and it felt so good! I can't say that I have ever felt so good walking out of a final before. I was not completely confident in all of my answers for the multiple choice, but the three essay questions just got owned. It was just like "here Doc let me pour out my knowledge upon you." Bam. Bam. Bam. God is good! Without Him there is no way that I would be getting through this week the way that I am. Unfortunately I have succumbed to the power of Dr. Dent and her Genetics examinations. There is little to no hope for that class, so instead of wasting time studying for a 30 I have decided to focus on Organic which I can experience success. Tomorrow night is going to be bliss. Last night of partying it up at Trish's house with the seniors and racquetball crew. It will be sad, but guaranteed to be an unforgetable night.

How I am getting any studying done this week is beyond me. I have been living in Becca and Gretchen's room with the estrogen levels at an all time high. Everyone in that room has shed tears almost every single day. It is a dramatic room in which someone always has some sort of dilemma. It's a wonder that any work ever gets done, really. But I love it. The experiences and the many laughs and talks that I have had in that room have really made college complete. That is what it is all about. While grades are important, I think that developing friendships and relationships are greater by far.

I received some good news this week that I got a job working at Camp-of-the-Woods in the Adirondacks this summer! I don't leave until June 20th which is good because that means I get an entire month off from school before starting to work. I don't think this job is going to be much like work though. I am going to be a part of their recreation staff, meaning I get to plan activities and sports for the kids that come there. I am not going to be your typical counselor because this is more of a family camp. So I am just going to be living with another staff member, spending my days playing sports with kids. I could not have asked for a better job! There is no doubt in my mind that God was at work here. I had no idea what I was going to be doing this summer until I found out about this camp online. The next day I walked into the Student Union and there was guy there with a table set up trying to recruit college kids to work there for the summer. I talked to him, he turned out to be from Buffalo, turned in my application and now I have a job. I have never been so sure that right now I am in the right place, where God is calling me to be.

There are so many times when things are uncertain but I am learning that if I cling to God, He will not abandon me. He is going to make sure that I get where I am supposed to be going even if he literally has to drag me there. I think we all forget that too often. I mean every day I have moments that I wonder if I am really in the right place. You just need to be confident that you are. Trust in the Lord, because as long as you want to serve Him, as long as your heart is in the right place, He is going to be faithful. He will never disappoint you. It can be a really scary thing to give all that you have over to God. It is in our nature to want to do everything on our own. I know that right now I am struggling with discerning God's will over my own. Not so much that I want to follow my own sinful nature (I do, all the time, don't get me wrong.), but that I have trouble trusting God. How do I know for sure when something is God's will or if I am just following my own desires? One thing that I have come to understand over the years is that when God is trying to tell you something, He is not going to be subtle. Maybe at first, but usually there are ways He acts which make it unmistakably clear that this is what you should be doing. Me working at Camp-of-the-Woods for instance. Last night while I was studying Becca played the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns and told me that this song describes some of what I am struggling with right now. I knew all of the words to the song but I never really listened to them until last night:

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I love this song, of how it tells of the struggles we go through and the doubts that we have but we must always remember that Jesus trumps over any of that. We need to be confident that He is leading us in the right direction. With Him we are going to get where we need to be, even if it seems like we are aimlessly wandering sometimes. That gives me a lot of hope for the future and for what lies ahead. I don't know what is going to happen or what is in store, but I know that it is going to be extravagant. God has something planned for me, for all of us, something that we probably would never be able to dream up on our own. This makes me pretty excited. Excited not only for the future but for how God is using me and preparing me right here and now. When it comes down to it, God is someone to get pretty excited about.

"The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him."
-Exodus 15:2

Great Expectations

2009-05-04T23:01:00.002-04:00

As I was reading through the Gospel of John this evening I noticed a reoccurring theme in which Jesus tells his disciples,

"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." (John 16:24)

I read more chapters than usual today since I had some free time, so as I was reading and searching for my Wonderful Thing for the day I noticed that from chapters 13-16, Jesus really emphasizes that if we ask for anything in His name it will be given to us. I feel like I encountered this same verse at least four different times throughout those chapters. Then finally, after reading John 16:24, it hit me that maybe this is important. Jesus was really trying to drive home a point to His disciples here. So now here I sit, chewing on these words and trying to decide where Jesus was going with this. So anything we ask for in the name of Christ is going to be given to us? If I pray right now:

Lord, I really want to get an A on all of my finals this semester but I don't feel like studying for them. Any chance you could do that for me? I would really appreciate it.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray,
Amen.

Does this mean I am going to get A's on all of my finals now? Obviously we know that we don't always get everything that we ask for when we pray for it. Although I am sure that if God wanted me to get A's on all of my finals He could do it. Wouldn't that be nice? So what in the world was Jesus talking about when he said these words?

Here is what I have seemed to uncover. When praying that silly prayer above, notice that I threw in the whole "…but I don't feel like studying for them" line. Is that what Christ has called me to do? Be lazy and not work to the best of my ability? I don't think so. It seems absurd to come before Christ and ask Him to perform such a miracle for us if we are not even going to be glorifying Him in the process. If we truly are dwelling in Christ, making His desires our desires, then what we ask for is going to be in line with what He wants to give us anyways. We are not always going to get the things that we want, but I think it's funny when we look back on our past struggles to see just how God got us through these things. We may have asked Him for one thing, only to receive something totally different. What is that all about? Well, 10 times out of 10 that something different that we get from God is better than anything we could have even thought to ask for. God has a funny way of doing that. We ask for one thing, God gives us something different, we are frustrated, and then we take a step back and just look at what God has given us and we can't help but stand in awe at how awesome He is! He knows better than we do what we want and what will bring our hearts contentment.

So really we may not always get exactly what we want but it is always what we need. It is always better that what we could have asked for. Looking back on this past year, it has been nothing like I would have expected. I came in asking and praying very different prayers than walking in. The best part is, that while this year has been tough, I think I have received greater gifts by far than what I could have thought to ask for. Sophomore year really is the toughest, no doubt about it. I have come so far, learned so much about myself and others, and I have learned even more about the Lord. He has placed people in my life this year that I will forever be grateful for. Just thinking about it now, I never in a million years would have predicted my life to be where it is right now. It almost brings me to tears because God is so faithful!

I came in Sophomore year with all of these expectations, many of which have been completely shattered. Expect the unexpected, because God is more that capable. Honestly, coming into this year I was not a fan of Grove City College, but now there is no other college that I would rather be at. I came in having a lot of acquaintances and very few close friends, my high school boyfriend, and a relationship with God that was not much a relationship at all. I am now leaving the year with the exact opposite of what I came in with. I would argue that I am friends with pretty much the greatest people on campus, and everyone else is missing out. The best part is that I have friends in a bunch of different groups, all of which are very different from one another. That is how I like to roll. Hands down though I would not have made it through this year, especially not this semester, had it not been for Becca. If that relationship right there is not a testimony to God knowing what He is doing then I don't know what is. Freshman roommates, not by choice, and now almost inseparable. God is good. And while I no longer exactly have a boyfriend, I have (and still am) learned a lot about myself in terms of relationships and commitments. Despite the fact that I am walking out of sophomore year "single" (in some weird sense of the word), I am walking out with one amazing best friend. Together we have come a long way this year. And once again God deserves all of the credit, because this is another relationship I never would have dreamed to ask for. It all seems to good to be true. If not for him I would not be where I am right now. I am starting to get a little too sappy so I am going to leave it at that. All I know is that whatever God has in store for the future, I will forever be thankful for what He has done these past 7-8 months. And the best thing that I am walking away with at the end of this year is a relationship with Jesus Christ that is stronger than it has ever been. While I mess up daily and I am in no way deserving of His love, He has my heart. My eyes are fixed and centered upon Him. This is by far the best gift of all. This makes me hopeful for the future. I feel like after this year, all that I have been through, and all that I have learned I am ready for just about anything. I am ready to take hold what God has planned for me and run with it! I was not planning on reflecting upon all of this quite yet, but I just sat down, began to type, and this is what came out. I know it is a little long, so if you actually took the time to read it all I give you credit. All I can say now is be excited! Christ is ready and waiting to bless your socks off, all you have to do is ask Him.

The Great Debate

2009-05-01T09:14:00.007-04:00

I am taking a few minutes break here because I need to do something other than study for a few moments. I just finished an Organic Chemistry exam, but now I only have 4.5 hours to thoroughly study for my Genetics lab final. Who in their right mind gives a 3 hour lab final that is exactly like all of the other exams? Not to mention we have another real exam on Monday and the final next Saturday. I don't really know who this lady thinks she is. There is nothing that I can do about it though. I really just need to keep trying my hardest and pray that I pass this class. Dang. I just got hit with some tiredness. I say its time for a little tea.

This weekend is going to be quite an exciting one because my dad and possibly aunt and grandmother are coming out to spend the day with me on Saturday! I have a lot of work that I need to be doing, and a Genetics test to study for, but at the same time I am very excited that I will get to see them. They are coming out mainly because I have a jazz band concert tomorrow afternoon. Concert starts at 1:05pm, be there if you can. I am playing 2 solos for this one! Although they are not going to be very good because a.) I still need to break in 2 new reeds by tomorrow afternoon and b.) I just found out that I was playing them on Monday. So I have had less than a week to pull them together.

I got some pictures from the RA scavenger hunt! The one with the 4 college students (2 girls, 2 guys) that is our amazing staff for next year. Moving on to more serious matters, I have been getting into a recent debate with a good friend about Christian Universalism, the idea that eventually everyone is going to heaven. Until recently I did not know or care much about it, but now I am utterly intrigued. I am not going to get into it here, but I would suggest looking into it. The few people that I have mentioned it to around here immediately wrinkled their noses and proclaimed how dangerous it would be to hold such a view. They did not even want to listen to what I have heard or read about it. As far as most Grovers are concerned, John Calvin has all the answers. I don't think I will ever be able to accept Universalism as truth, but I have gained a bit of respect for it. I don't really see why it can't be considered a main branch of theology, right on up there with Calvinism and Armenian belief. That might be a dangerous thing to say on here, but I can take it.

So I have recently been thinking about people and why they hold the views that they do. People are stubborn that's for sure. Most people are not up for listening to what others have to say and really thinking through their beliefs and viewpoints. Where then do our initial beliefs come from? Mainly I think it has to do with how we grew up. If you grew up in a contemporary church that preached Armenian theology, then that is what you are going to have faith in, it is what you feel most comfortable defending. The same is true if you grew up Reformed, Catholic, or Universalist. I strongly believe that once those beliefs are ingrained in you, you have a hard time looking at anything else without bias. So how then do we get any answers? How do we know truth? My answer is that we don't. God is the only one who really knows, and I think that we are all going to have a bit of a laugh when we get to heaven. Many of the different theological views behind Christianity probably all have different pieces of the puzzle right, maybe some more than others. To say that Calvinists, Armenians, or whoever else has all the answers would be, in my opinion, arrogant and probably wrong. I think it is extremely important to study as much about theology as you can. I have recently developed a love for it because it has encouraged me to dive into the Word and to seek the Lord for proper wisdom and guidance. I may never have all the answers, but it is going out and seeking Him that is important. That is all for now! I am getting sleepier and sleepier as I write this so its time to take a caffeine break. Enjoy the weekend ahead!

Ending Things

2009-04-29T09:11:00.003-04:00

The madness has begun! I don't know how many more posts I am going to have time to write the next two weeks with all that I have going on, but since I am currently skipping class I figured that right now is the perfect time to partake in such an activity. In two short days it is going to be May! I can't believe how fast this semester has gone. I presume this next month is going to be pretty quick as well. Hopefully. This was the month I was looking forward to for so long, but that time has come and gone. I am not dreading it, I just want it to come and go, quickly and painlessly. There are many reasons for my feeling this way. The end of the year is coming which means that packing and goodbyes are in order. One particular weekend is going to stick out like a sore thumb, I feel like its days are starring at me every time I glace at a calendar. I may be running a half-marathon instead, or there is the possibility that I could have a job. It really does not matter what I am doing, I want that weekend over.

The preparations for next year have already begun. The wonderful apartment RA staff has already begun bonding and getting to know one another. We are all pretty excited to see what God has in store for us next year. Last night the current RA's in the apartments put together a type of scavenger hunt for us that sent us milling around campus for a good hour. It ended with a trip to the grocery store for graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows, and then finally to a secret destination about 20 minutes off campus. We arrived at a spot in the woods with a cute little creek and waterfall, and a campfire with the RA's and RD's all ready for us. We stayed there for a little while talking about the past year and our expectations for the year to come. It was nice to take some time during the week and just relax a little bit, reflecting on what God has done and what He has in store. Lauren and I decided to play a game of chubby bunny which we ended up being a tie at 6 marshmallows each. The guys found their enjoyment by hurling firey logs off of the waterfall and watching them hit the water. The entire campfire was in the creek before we left. Boys will be boys.

I don't really have much more to say for the time being. I read my Bible this morning, but I have yet to uncover my W.T. for the day. That is on my list of things to do this afternoon. God has been good lately. Despite all that hit the fan this weekend I still know that He is working in my life. I am fairly confident that everything that has happened was all Him. He is preparing me for something great. This summer all that I want to focus on is my relationship with Christ. Everything else seems to have fallen by the wayside, because when it comes down to it He is all that matters. This doesn't mean that we should neglect all of our other responsibilites, because clearly that is not Biblical either, but that in those other activies Christ is the focus. I think that this attitude puts all that we do in a new light, giving a spin on life that we have not seen before. It gives you a drive and motivation that are not your own. Overall it is a wonderful position to be in, arugably the best. Sorry not much for words of wisdom today, just some generalities I suppose. It has been a crazy week with not much time for thinking and reflection on what to blog about. I hope that everyone is enjoying their last weeks of school. The end is in sight!

The Death of Chivalry

2009-04-26T10:28:00.010-04:00

This entire year I have felt that once I think things are going well and I have finally figured things out, on comes another attack. Well, this time it is not so much anger or sadness as it is gratitude. Let me begin by saying that God is good. He has ways of timing things perfectly. Despite how painful it may seem at the time, you eventually realize that there is an overarching purpose. On that note, I still don't think that justifies the actions of some people. I don't like being lied to or when my emotions are messed with. We girls are emotional, confusing, moody, and a number of other things, but we still deserve to be treated with respect. I think some guys think they can just have their way with us and then just jump off of the train whenever they want to. Throughout the Bible men are called to be leaders and to treat women with respect. In our generation that sense of respect, leadership, and chivalry are lost, even among many of our Christian guys. The verses I am going to post here have a lot to do with marriage, so bear with me. Even as friends and brothers in Christ I believe that guys are called to treat girls in such a way.

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." -Proverbs 31:10-11

"Husbands love your wives, just as Christ love the church and have himself up for her." -Ephesians 5:22

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." -1 Peter 3: 7

When girls are not treated in such a way I slowly begin to lose hope. Don't get me wrong I know there are many guys out there who do just as the Bible calls them to, there are just many more who don't. Right now I have never been more thankful for my friends on the racquetball team, especially the guys who really do look out for all of us girls. It is funny that their insight to our guy problems is usually spot on. They know when someone is truly a gentleman and when they are a complete tool. Unfortunately we don't always listen to them, but they are there for us a couple of months down the road when our hearts are in pieces.

Despite the situation I am trying to pull out the best in people, so maybe sometimes they just loose their way and ending up hurting people without even realizing it. This past month has all began to crash down upon me. I know that I am also to blame for a lot that has happened, but I also know that I have already been forgiven. I have not asked to get continually slapped in the face but that is what I feel like is happening. After this month I think I am going to have some serious commitment issues. Not only will I not be able to trust myself but now I am going to have a hard time trusting guys. Well, I can think of one that I still have confidence in.

On that note, lets talk about some of the happy things that happened this weekend! I went to McConnell's Mill yesterday afternoon with a bunch of girls on my hall. It did not end so well, for reasons stated above, but it began excellent! We explored a bunch of caves, did some hiking, packed lunch, and walked by the creek. I took this awesome picture of Julie with there cool flowers that we found. I love taking pictures and capturing memories! I am thinking about asking for a nice camera for my birthday this year. Then yesterday evening I went out to Pittsburgh with a few of us girls and went to Dave & Busters. Last night I found out more concerning this whole situation which was just icing on the cake, but despite that it was fun to have the girls to talk to about it. I think we learned a lot about people not always being who we think they are. Today is a beautiful day! I am not feeling so hot though and my stomach has been bothering me since last night, but that could just be stress. I am hoping to get outside for a little tennis at some point. I should probably end this here and get some work done now. Hope everyone gets a chance to enjoy the beautiful day ahead of us!

The Wonderful Thing

2009-04-20T11:32:00.000-04:00

As human beings, while we can be spontaneous, we will often spend hours, days, months or even years preparing for those big events in our lives. College for example is years of preparation for our future career, you plan months for your wedding, and spend hours preparing a paper. If you were going to run a marathon you would spend 4 months preparing for a race that lasts approximately 4 hours of 1 day. Four months preparing for something that lasts 1 day! How much more then should we be preparing for eternity? It is rather daunting when you think about it. Do we even have enough time to adequately prepare then?! The answer is no. We can and should be preparing, every moment of every day, but we are humans and therefor we are sinners. Alone we just don't have it in us to ever prepare enough for what is ahead. Thankfully we are not alone! Can I get an Amen? Billy Graham was once asked if he had only 3 years left on earth to minister, how would he spend his time? When I first heard the question I was certain that he would choose to go out and reach as many people as he possibly could in those 3 years. Instead he replied, "I would prepare for 2 and minister for 1." Preparation is what brings us closer to the Lord, it is how we learn to discern His will for us, to hear His voice, making sure that we are not acting on our own impulses, but His.

So how exactly do we prepare? The most important, taken from the sermon in church yesterday, is getting into the Word. I think we forget how important the Bible is, how powerful the words of God are. Hebrews 4:12 says it all:

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

The word needs to be active inside of us, playing a role in our lives. Derek Prince once said that, "Your attitude towards God's word is your attitude towards God himself," and I would have to agree with that. We live in the United States of America, there are more Bibles than people, yet how often do we pick it up off the bookshelf and begin to read? We need to uncover what God has for us, to digest it, think, meditate, and pray on it. Only then are we going to begin to truly know the heart of God, to feel that He is active and alive in us. Our pastor yesterday challenged us to get into the word in the morning and to read until we discover our W.T. for the day. One Wonderful Thing that we read that morning that had an impact on us. We need to keep that in our hearts for the remainder of the day. What better to have God's word to meditate on from the time you get up in the morning until you fall asleep that night? The second thing that we should be doing to prepare is prayer. Prayer is your plow. Get down on your knees and come before God. Let him go before you and prepare the path ahead.

It amazes me how the Lord operates. My ideas for this post came from both the R.A. retreat that I went on this weekend (which was amazing), and the sermon I heard in church yesterday. Together they made some great points and allowed a new post to be created. Lately the creative juices have been flowing like Niagara Falls. Every time I get an idea that I don't want to use right away I put it in a Word document for later use. Right now I have so many that I don't think I am going to get around to using all of them. I take ideas from throughout my day, lectures or sermons that I have heard, conversations with friends and family, and of course verses from God's word that I have read. I should compile everything and write a devotional some day. Lord willing, maybe I will. It would be quite a scatterbrained devotional though since my ideas jump all over the place.

So this weekend was quite a weekend. I had some great times with some amazing friends. It is sad that each weekend is drawing closer to the end of the year. I do not want this year to end! I don't even know what I did this weekend, but it was not school work. I got to know my amazing R.A. staff (Next year is going to rock!), went out for for Di's 22 birthday, did a lot of running, played some racquetball and dutch blitz, and soaked up the sun. The weekends here only get better with each passing week. The difference between this year and last is still baffling. Which ultimately brings me to my W.T. for the day:

"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.
The statues of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are trustworthy, giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure, and are altogether righteous."
-Psalm 19:7-9

When it comes down to it, the Lord knows best. Giving Him your heart, placing all of your reliance upon him that is what revives, makes wise, gives joy and light, what endures, and what is righteous. What is your W.T. for the day?

The Nine Questions

2009-04-17T22:15:00.000-04:00

Apparently on facebook lately there has been a note going around in which you create a mosiac about yourself. Since I have deleted by facebook account this is my attempt at doing just that. It is a little something that represents me. And it is a Friday night on which I have nothing better to do. Enjoy!

1. What is your first name? Alexandra
2. What is your favorite food? Italian
3. What is your favorite color? Pink
4. Favorite drink? Good ol' fashioned Coke
5. Dream vacation? Ireland
6. Favorite hobby? Racquetball
7. What you want to be when you grow up? Teacher (Not just in the classroom, but in life as well.)
8. What do you love the most in life? Jesus Christ
9. One word to describe you? Bright

There she is. Does it look like me?

Reminders

2009-04-17T12:39:00.001-04:00

So why is it that these hard times and these trials come? Since yesterday I have been asking myself that question. Well, it is not so much why they come because I can feel that. Without them I would not be in the place that I am now. I would not be this in love with Christ, I would not be learning to love him, to center my life around him, I would not be humbled. My question is more a matter of why do they keep coming? It can be frustrating to think that when you finally get see the light at the end of the tunnel and you are coming out, you know that eventually there is going to be another tunnel ahead. Does that bother anyone else? It is not so much bothersome as it is scary. What if through one of those hard times I really jump off the deep end and turn away indefinitely? Well fear no more! Each of these trials that we go through ultimately strengthens us, giving us a deeper love and a deeper understanding of Christ and who He is. The more I learn, the more I want to be close to Him, to never leave His side. And as these feelings get stronger and stronger, it makes the hard times easier to handle. So with each struggle that you go through, give thanks! You have made it this far, there will be an end. The Father is not going to put more on your plate than you can chew.

This afternoon I was reading my Bible, and as I read John chapter 2 something seemed to jump out at me. Verse 11 (after Jesus changed the water into wine) says:
"This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed at Cana in Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him."
Then verses 19-22 say:
"Jesus answered them, 'Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.' The Jews replied, 'It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?' But the temple he had spoken of was his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the Scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken."
So where am I going with this? Both of these verses caught my attention, because it was after each of these significant events that the Bible proclaims that the disciples believed that Jesus was the Son of God. Did they not believe Him when He first called them to be His disciples? Or when He performed many miracles right in front of their eyes? Did it really take them until Jesus rose from the dead 3 days after His death before they figured out, yes this guy is legit!? My initial reaction was frustration towards the disciples. I mean they actually with their own eyes saw these miracles and heard Jesus' teachings! How much better could they have had it? But then it hit me. Jesus is working right in front of me too. Right in front of my very eyes I can see all that He is doing yet I choose to deny Him just as much, if not more than the disciples did. Just because Jesus was physically present with them does not mean that it was easier for them to follow Him. The Spirit is working in my life each and every day, but how often do I take that for granted? How often do I deny Him? Luckily He keeps on working on us, He never gives up! While He was here Jesus performed miracle after miracle, He proclaimed who He was time and time again in hopes that we eventually we would get it! He does not give up. So each time the disciples 'believed' was almost a renewing of their faith. Nothing like a swift kick in the behind to remind them that they are serving God the Father, Jesus Christ, the One and Only! Praise God for His persistence and His willingness to work with us, for He never gives up.

Back Again!

2009-04-16T17:01:00.000-04:00

Today, for the first time in almost a month I wrote in my journal. I used to write almost every day, or at least every other day. I made sure that I set aside the time, despite the amount of work I had to do. What happened to me? The past month I have struggled with that very question, because it is almost like I have looked into the mirror and I don't even know who that is starring back at me. That was not me. Well after a month of testing and trials, I think I am back. I am once again seeking out Christ's love for me and His grace with all of my heart. I lost focus, I lost sight of the straight and narrow. I am not going to be afraid to admit any of this because at some point it happens to every single one of us. We are all human and we all lose focus. These experiences are what have taught me humility, compassion, appreciation, and love. While they are hard, and coming out of them is even harder I would not trade them. It is these experiences that bring us ever closer to the Father.

The biggest problem that I think we have is not giving ourselves 100% to Christ. Is He your main focus in everything? All that you do, is it centered on Christ? It needs to be! Only He is strong enough to handle the temptations of this world, only He can comfort us in our time of need. This truth is so strong on my heart right now I want to stand up and sing about it. I want everyone to be at the place of clarity and understanding that I am at right now, because it is a beautiful, emotional, eye opening experience. Obviously not everyone will ever reach this point, but you can. If you want to, you really truly can. If you want to experience love that never disappoints, grace unlike anything else, and complete truth then turn and run as fast as you can to Jesus. He is waiting arms open wide. I sound like I am preaching the salvation message here. I guess I am in some ways, but really I feel like all the truths I discovered and posted about in my previous blogs, I feel like I am finally beginning to experience those. I have so much going on in my life right now, but I know that whatever happens with everything it is going to be okay. Despite some not so smart choices that I have made the past month, I have been forgiven. I am back, new and improved. It is all going to be more than okay, it is going to be awesome! Christ loves me, He is at the center of it all. So though it all, whatever happens I will remain strong, I will not be broken. God is good. God is always good.

New Way of Living

2009-04-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wonder what your life is going to be like 5, 10, 15 years from now? Stupid question, because I think we all do. This past year my perception of my future has changed quite a few times. I came into this school year dreaming of living one life, that quickly changed to something else, and now I have made up my mind to just go wherever the wind blows me. Maybe it was all the planning that got me into trouble in the first place. I don't think we should plan for things like that. Being prepared for specific events to occur and planning for the future are on two very different playing fields. I am done planning, instead I will, to the best of my ability, prepare for what lies ahead. Who knows what our future holds aside from the Lord? Just when we think we have it all figured out, God proves otherwise. There is some song that I can't think of now which says that God laughs when he hears our plans. How very true that is. My advice then would be to break free of your preconceived notions about where your life is going, be ready and waiting, be prepared, but don't nail yourself down, don't ever think you have it all figure out, because it is at that moment you find an overwhelming amount of change headed your way.

So it's back to the books for me. Only four more weeks and I will officially be done with Sophomore year. How crazy is that? I feel like just yesterday I came in as a scared frosh, and now I am going to be a junior and an RA. Anyways, the rest of break was interesting. My uncle lives in this new housing development in which all of the houses looks almost identical. They still have model homes available to go look at, and so we went and looked at three of them ranging in price from 500,000 to 1.3 million. I am going to post pictures, but the pictures do not even do these houses justice. I have never been inside of such a nice house before. My question is how do people justify living like that? I would almost feel guilty for owning such a nice home. Although, who am I kidding? Would I ever really complain about it? Probably not. So for a couple of days I got to live the life of the upper-upper middle class, middle class on the brink of upper class I would say. Cake-eaters.

Being back at school is pretty excellent. Sad to think that in only 4 weeks I have quite a few friends graduating. We are going to make the best of the time we have left though, and I am sure there will be some exciting weekends coming up. My first night back was an exciting one. Walking by a creepy old cemetery at midnight with a creepy cat following behind is exactly what I needed to get my heart racing and adrenaline flowing. If you need a bit of excitement, I know exactly where you can find it. Playing at the park in the dark, I really would suggest that everyone do it sometime. It suddenly turns a kids playground into a college students adventure. Everything is better at night. The swings seemed to go higher, the monkey bars were more difficult than they used to be, and all parts of the playground are free for climbing. Not to mention the rush that comes when you think you may hear a cop car driving by. Anything can happen at the park at night. I'm hoping for a few more adventures before the end of the year, but we will see how that pans out. All I know is that I am planning on anything. Call me Ms. Spontaneity.

A New Path

2009-04-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

Depressing piano music playing in the background fits perfectly with my current mood. As I sit here and write this, I realize for the first time over this past two weeks that yes it really is over and life is moving onward. There is nothing wrong with that, it just takes some getting used to. One second you think your life is heading in one direction, and even when you think you have changed directions often times it doesn't really hit you until you are headed down the new path and you realize that this is it. There is no turning back now. I have a range of emotions coercing through my body right now: sad, excited, angry, mad, relieved. I could keep going but I'll leave it there. So this is it I have no choice now, completely in the dark, onward I go. I can't seem to get past the anger though. There are so many things I just want to go off on but I can't, because a) I did this to myself and b) I'm done with it all. Right now I could really use a nice long 5 mile run in which I sprint the whole way. I just want to run. I want my every muscle in my body to burn and I want to go until I can't possibly go anymore. There are so many things I want to do right now, a lot of pictures I want to delete, paper I want to tear up, old texts to erase, and I could go on. But I am not going to do any of that because I know that eventually I will regret it. I'm done now. I really needed to get a lot of that out there...

So here I go. Making a new path, new memories, a new adventure.

Despite the anger I do have a peace. I know this is the Lords will. That He is not going to lead me astray because I want to follow Him. More than anything else I want to follow Him. Because ultimately that is where true happiness lies. Instead of being angry or sad, I should probably be excited. I am. I must admit that I am a little scared. Heartbreak is not fun at all. It is too bad that I can't play guitar like Taylor Swift because I could probably write a damn good song about my life right about now. Hopefully the drama will begin to filter out so instead of living a soap opera I can live an episode of Full House or something. It starts off happy, then there is some conflict, but by the end of that 30 minute episode everyone is happy again. Unless, on some rare occasion, there is a 'to be continued....' episode. But even that would be fine right now.

Today was a good day filled with patriotism as I marched the streets of Washington D.C. It is tough though because there are so many things that I don't want to see right now. I am sick of seeing anything to do with the military, even the commercials on T.V. bother me. I can't listen to Rascal Flatts who was previously my favorite country band, and I cringe when I walk through a store and see their formal dresses. I hope and pray that eventually none of these things will have an effect on me. They say that time heals all wounds.

Anyways, D.C. was fun and I have some pictures from yesterday that I think I will put up. My cousin is driving everyone crazy, but that makes for some entertainment. She is a senior in high school and she thinks that she knows everything. And I mean everything. So we like to take advantage of that by acting really stupid just to push her buttons. Last night was by far the most entertaining dinner I have had in a long time. I'll try to give you a little taste of what I am talking about...Last night out of nowhere Nikki pulled out the classic line, 'That's what she said!' but she used it in completely the wrong context. So we decided to play along and ask 'What does that mean?' and she starts giving us this long explanation of how it's used as a joke, that if I guy says something funny you have to say 'That's what he said.', and how it originated approximately 4 years ago in a movie. And the best part is that she told us her friends are the people who started making it popular. In response we were shocked and said that her friends seemed like the coolest people on the planet so naturally we wanted to meet them. We started egging her on, encouraging her to invite them all over for a movie night, unfortunately all of them are currently in New York City. Does this sounds ridiculous to you? Well this is what I deal with when she is around. I know nothing, Nikki knows all, deal with it. So we make the best of it pretending to be stupid. I should really considering videotaping dinner tonight and posting it so that the world can get some good laughs. This post is long enough for now though, and it sure has taken me long enough to write. I am feeling better though. Being able to get everything out and recalling last nights dinner antics have helped. Maybe life shouldn't be taken so seriously. We should all stop worrying and just live it.

On The Road

2009-04-10T17:23:00.000-04:00

I will have to post this blog later because I am currently sitting in the car on the way to Washington D.C., meaning that I have no internet connection. Although I am sure that soon enough I will be able to be connected via a satellite connection or something. I don't need that though. I am perfectly content without the internet for a few hours. It is almost a sickening thought that there is virtually nowhere you can go anymore that is internet free. Everything is wireless this, satellite that, hands-free, and whatever other technical terms they use nowadays. I am not complaining, I love technology, and I think that all the advances we have made are great. I just think that it is all too easy to become consumed. I would not mind not having cable or satellite television, or a television at all for that matter, when I have a house of my own. It would give everyone a reason to actually talk and build our relationships with each other rather than sit and watch a stupid multi-colored box filled with flashing lights.

I like how one little thing (In this case, not being connected to the internet.) has the ability to send me off on some random topic. I don't really have any planned topic for this blog so I guess it managed to fill up some space. Like I said I am on the way to Washington D.C. right now with almost the entire family, minus Ashley and Skylar, plus a Kevin. It is a scary ride since my step-dad does not seem to know how to safely operate a motor vehicle. Sometimes he puts on the brakes for no reason at all, we often hit the rumble strip on the side of the road, and on more than one occasion I have feared for my life as we passed a semi. Family vacations are not something that I look forward to, ever. They bring out the worst in me, that is for sure. I think before I get married, instead of a camping trip, my future husband should come with my family and I on vacation. If they still want to marry me at weeks end, well then folks we have a winner! These trips are what have steadily lowered the number of kids I want to have. Back in eighth grade I wanted something like eight or nine kids, now we are down to four and I can just sense that number declining as I type…3…2…1…Forget it.

Enough with the negatives tonight. Some good about this coming weekend, let's see. We are going sight seeing in D.C. possibly tomorrow. I love doing that kind of stuff. There are also tons of huge model homes that you can go and look at by my uncles house! At least there was the last time that we were there. I love looking at houses and dreaming about where I could possibly live someday. Doesn't every girl do that?

Music is what keeps me alive on these trips. Thank you Mr. iPod! I am so glad that you were never broken. My latest music selection has included everything from Akon, Zac Brown Band, and Jason Mraz. Zac Brown Band is by far my favorite though. Their lyrics can make me laugh, cry, and carry me away deep in thought. Gangster has been up there too because lately I just want to bust a move. Do you ever have moments like that? It is quite a shame that there are no more dances left at school this year. Maybe Julie and I should just host an end of the year dance party in our room. The people on our hall already think we are crazy because we cook pancakes and blast the gangsta' tunes in our room so it probably wouldn't surprise them one night if we just had a bunch of people over for a dance. I could see it now, we turn off all the lights, except for the Christmas lights which we have set to the blinking function, music blaring from my computer speakers, and we would all be dressed like we were going to the club. Can we please do it? Music is just good for the soul.

Anyways, I think I am going to end here for now. We are stopping at a rest stop and I am mighty thirsty. Time to get something to quench that.

The 'I' Factor

2009-04-07T23:21:00.000-04:00

I have been home now for a total of 5 days. I love being home. I think that I just become more appreciative of all the things here that I miss while at school. It is mostly just the simple things, like John coming into my room in the morning to wake me up, running errands with my mom, driving to a friends house late at night just because, or even loading and unloading the dishwasher. None of these things I can really do while at school, so being able to appreciate them now is truly a blessing. I watch my 13-year old sister now in all of her teenage glory, arguing with my mom over nothing, fighting with my siblings, refusing to clean her room, and it makes me want to knock some sense into her, lovingly of course. I know I had the same attitude when I was her age, but now I just want to make her realize that mom was right (and still is) after all these years. Once again that just brings me back to the whole, you live and you learn spiel. That seems to be a recurring theme with my recent blogs.

I have been spending a lot of time alone since being home, or least I have been trying to. The happenings of the past couple of weeks have just been so confusing and intense that some time to reflect, think, and pray is all I have left in me to do. The best times alone have come when I have gone out for run (Which has severely been hindered thanks to the snow!) or when I go for a drive. I don't know if I have been getting any cut and dry answers, but I have been given peace about the situation that I am in. One thing I have been learning about myself is that I need to be more patient. People that know me will tell you that once I get an idea in my head I run with it, and I run fast. I don't usually take my time thinking anything through. One second I am going to be a doctor, the next I want to be a teacher, then I want to be a nurse, and the next thing you know I am adding an English major. It is quite comical really.

I know it's not just me who does that though. We all do on some level. How do we combat that? It is easy for me right now to say that when the next impulsive decision comes along I will be able to take my time, slow down, and actually think but I am not so sure. My experiences these past couple weeks, maybe they have been enough to shake me a little.

I have also learned to lower my expectations, or higher them I suppose. It's complicated. I have been expecting too much from God, if that's possible. It's not that I don't think God can't give me what I am hoping for or what I am 'expecting', I just think that expecting anything from God is a waste of time. He knows what is best and it certainly is not always what you are anticipating. So why place limitations on Him? Why 'expect' that He is always going to act in your life a certain way? Is it frustrating? Obviously. I wish right now that I could share with you what I mean by all of this and share my personal example, but I can't bring myself to do it. Especially since I know I have a bit of a fan base out there. Let's see...For quite some time I thought I had my life figured out, I thought I knew where I was going, where everything was headed. But that is just it, I thought, I thought, I thought. But what on earth did my Savior God, Lord of heaven and of earth, what did HE think? Do we even take the time to stop and ask Him or do we just assume that because we are 'happy' that must be His plan too? Maybe we need to spend some time on our knees asking Him what He wants, because He will show us. If you desire more than anything to be doing the Lord's will, even when you feel like you are aimlessly wandering in the darkness, He will not lead you astray. You will end up right where He wants you. That is the beautiful thing about it. One of my favorite things to do is look back on my old journals, my old prayer requests and all my old worries and to see how the Lord got me through each and every one of those things. Chances are that in a couple of years I am going to look back on everything going on now and be able to have a good laugh. My life may seem like a daytime drama right now, but I know that it only goes up from here.

A Love Worth Fighting For

2009-04-03T20:16:00.000-04:00

Sweet sweet nectar I am home! After many long days and even longer nights I can finally say that it is over, for the next 240 hours at least. Well, minus the time that it is going to take me while I am home to write my paper. But even that is going to be heavenly after this week. Apparently even professors can be caring, sensitive, understanding human beings, who would have thought? And all I had to do was lay down my past week before him. It was not easy or pretty but the meeting ended with an agreement that for a minor penalty I can turn in my twelve page paper on Monday or Tuesday. There is a God.

It seems unreal that I am actually home right now, and even crazier that it has been 5 weeks since I was last here. I am not usually the girl who stays at school every weekend, but this year has proved otherwise. I like, no love, Grove City College this year and I owe that love completely to all of my friends and the friendships that I have developed there this year. I have come to believe that college is all about what you make of it and the people that you hang out with. I am even more excited to see what next year has in store and the friendships that I have yet to strike up. From what I have heard being an R.A. provides you with a support system and friendships so strong they become your family away from home. I will let you know how that goes.

This right here, this is what life is all about. You work hard for weeks on end and then just when you think you are at the end of your rope all of that hard work pays off and you are on your way home. Right now I could not ask for anything more. I have my dog sitting by my feet, the Sabres are on the television, my sister is next to me engrossed in the latest book, my parents are on the couch enjoying a glass of wine, John is playing Spiderman, and there is a fire crackling in the fireplace. Best of all it is nice to sit down and take it all in.

This evening I attended my grandparents 50th anniversary party. I have never seen my grandparents more in love and more appreciative of each other than I have tonight. There were many times tonight that I thought my grandpa was about to cry, and I have never in my 20 years of life seen him that way. How do you find love like that? How do you find love so strong that throughout all of the struggles and temptations life throws at you, you never give up? You continue, despite it all, to love unconditionally. I am sure there were times that they did not always want to love each other, but they did anyways. It amazes me! I saw their old wedding pictures tonight and my grandparents looked so young! My grandma said she was 21 when they got married. And all of her sisters were also 21 when they tied the knot. 21?! I am almost 20. That gives me about one year if I plan on following in her footsteps. I could not even imagine. I mean I do go to Grove City and all, but I think ideally I would like to at least graduate before getting married. Whatever happens, all I know is that I want to find love like that someday. I want to have a 50th wedding anniversary with all of my friends and family there to celebrate. I have a long way to go before that day comes. It is strange to think that many of the people that will be there celebrating that day with me are not even born yet.

Enough. I am done thinking about the future for right now. Instead I am going to focus on the here and now, and just enjoying the place that I am currently at. We spend too much time thinking ahead, dreaming about the future and how much better it is going to be. Then once we get there we continue to dream about what lies ahead. Will we ever be content with the here and now? I sure hope so. I am going to be working on that. I don't need to worry about the past or all that lies ahead. I have been given this moment, right here, right now and I am going to live it. Our futures are in the Lord's hands, let Him do what He wants with them. He knows what He is doing, I promise.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11

A Piggy Back Ride

2009-04-01T08:58:00.000-04:00

I think that if one more thing was to go wrong right now I would probably break down into tears and I honestly do not know if I would be able to stop. I told myself that I was not going to 'loose it' until I get home for break, but that seems to be getting harder and harder to do. Academically this week is the toughest that I have had in a long time. I have Genetics and Organic exams, a 12 page paper due, and a number of lab reports. I have been getting an average of 4 hours of sleep per night (sometimes less), and it is starting to catch up with me. I know because every little thing that goes wrong just makes me want to break down. I really hope that no one decides to play an April Fools joke on me because I don't think I can take it right now.

I did not want to write about my life in here anymore, but right now I need to do something and I have no wise words. I am wondering why this is all happening to me again. Twice in one year? Really? What is God trying to tell me? Love is hard! I can't expect that it is always going to be easy, that I am not going to struggle with it, but that is exactly (at this point in my life) what I am expecting right now. It is immature, trust me I know. I have so much to learn and such a long ways to go before I learn to love as the Lord has called me to love. I want more than anything to experience the love found in 1 Corinthians 13. I know what is expected of that kind of love, that it's not easy, but right now I am not mature enough to truly put that into practice. I have not grown up enough to know that true love always loves, keeping their significant others best interests in mind even when they don't always want to love them. It is not that I don't know what true love requires or that I am naive enough to think its going to be easy, but I think what it truly comes down to is my maturity. I am not ready to love another person because I first need to learn to love the Lord. Slowly but surely, I will learn.

There are some aspects of these struggles that I do enjoy. It is at these times that I feel closest to God because I can do nothing more than cling to Him. I know that my own strength is not enough, that He has grabbed my hand and slung me over His back, carrying me the whole way. So despite the stress, the nervousness, and my inability to focus, I will remain thankful. All of these struggles are serving a specific purpose to teach and mold me into the woman God wants me to be. After all, that is what it is all about.

Waiting

2009-03-29T20:16:00.001-04:00

This past week has been one of the most stressful and confusing weeks that I have had in a long time. I thought that I had it all together, I knew what I wanted out of life, my vision was clear, I was looking ahead and walking the straight and narrow. Does anyone else feel like their Christian walk is a constant cycle of highs and lows? Every time we think we may have figured it all out God waltz's in to remind us that we don't. The worst part is that it never ends. We are a fallen and sinful people and it takes Christ to humble us, to snap us out of this attitude of human arrogance, and kick us onto our knees in reverent submission to him. Will this cycle ever end? As long as I remain in this human body of mine, I don't think that it will. As I grow and learn from each experience the highs and lows may become less dramatic, but they will always be there. No one can be a die-hard Christian 100% of the time. Unfortunately it just does not work that way.

I should really be writing a paper right now, so I am going to keep this short. One more thing that I want to post are some of the lyrics to a song by John Waller called While I'm Waiting. I feel like they have a lot to say to me in regards to my past week (I would highly recommend looking up the song and listening to it if you get a chance.)

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

Looking Inward

2009-03-26T13:08:00.000-04:00

I must guiltily admit that I secretly paid attention in chapel this morning. When I sat down at nine-thirty and found out that the man speaking was a poet and the head of the English department at the University of Missouri, I was instantly hooked. It probably has something to do with my secret (well, not anymore) ambition to be an English major. Reading novels, analyzing literature and obviously writing, present much more of an appeal to me than studying the dihybrid cross of Drosophila or the various reactions of alcohols, alkenes, and benzene rings. Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes, chapel this morning. While he wasn't exactly the most eloquent of speakers, but he did have some interesting ideas and advice for us Grove City College students.

As God's creation, made in His image, it is natural to assume that we are a creative people. That being said, for what purpose do we put our creative abilities to use? Whether you are writing poems, painting pictures, dancing, or singing (this is not an exhaustive list), what or rather whom are you doing these things for? The everyday modern American would be hard pressed not to admit that they do these things in hopes that they might have an effect on other people. Do you really paint a masterpiece or write a novel thinking, "Wow! These ideas of mine have had a profound impact on my own life!"? I know that I wouldn't. We do many of these things in hopes that we can gain recognition from others, make them think, and have an impact on them. Or if you are a Grove City College student you may answer my first question with the overzealous response of, "I do all of these things to glorify Jesus Christ!" If you can honestly say that all of your creative tasks are done solely for that purpose with no alternate agenda, I commend you. I am not however, about to preach to you the message of glorifying the Lord with all of our daily tasks. (This is important, don't get me wrong. It's just not the point I am working to prove.)

When was the last time that you took a step back and let your work infiltrate your own life, your own way of thinking, rather than fantasizing about what it is doing for others? Believe it or not, we are allowed to do that. God gave us these gifts, yes to serve others, but also so that He can teach us about ourselves through them! When we take the time to evaluate all that we have done I think we are going to find that our work affects ourselves much more than it will anybody else. Through our gifts, talents and creativity, God can reveal to us aspects of ourselves that we never may have found had we not taken the time to look inward at what He is doing. So on that note, I encourage you to take the time and evaluate what your strengths are and explore the areas that God has blessed you.

I don't know what is up with me lately, but sitting down and telling you about the happenings of my life seems trivial when I can write about ideas that may truly have meaning. Going off of the theme I just finish talking about, I am grateful for the ability to get my ideas down somewhere that I can come back and reflect upon them. I might make it a point to come back and re-read some of my posts to keep these thoughts and challenges close to my heart and fresh in my mind.

An Astonishing Love Affair

2009-03-23T22:06:00.001-04:00

So last night as I got into bed with thoughts of blogging churning in my head, I began to think. Usually before drifting off into the abyss of the night I mumble a few prayers, remembering the requests that came to my attention throughout my day. And then I began to think about the last time that I truly had a one-on-one, mano-y-mano, experience with God. More than just praying over a meal, after devotions, during Bible study, or before bed. I am talking about setting aside time to just fall onto my knees and pray. Often times everything else can become monotonous, something you become accustomed to doing every day. Not that these aren't excellent things, but personally I like spontaneity. I think God appreciates our spontaneous acts of love. If we are honest with ourselves, is it not the unexpected acts of kindness that people do for us that mean the most? Now that I am really thinking about all of this, how can we love God spontaneously? How can we live a life filled with love for God, one that does not grow old or routine? I do not think that I can answer my own question. This week I will make that my task, find ways to love unexpectedly.

Idea! (Or thought...Whichever way you prefer to look at it.)

Galatians 5:6 says that true faith "worketh by love." Loving others, out of faith, is one way in which we can show our love for God. I would argue that this is one of the best ways to love spontaneously! Even when we don't want to love (which is often), remembering that as Christians we are called to do so and keeping Christ
at the center of these actions is one sure-fire way to love him.

Tonight, and I believe for the next week, my heart will be in Africa. I received an e-mail through Nate's mom, from Nate, that he made it to Africa safely. I could tell already, just from those few sentences I got to read that this experience will change him like nothing before. He mentioned how poor everyone was there, that it does not even compare to some of the poorest of places here. I do not think that we realize how good we really have it. If I am ever to go on a missions trip to Africa or some other third-world country I think that upon my return home I will be tempted to sell everything and live the simplest life possible. I am contemplating the ways I can cut back on everything now and I am not experiencing any of this! It just breaks my heart because I can see him playing with these kids and getting attached to them, and then having to leave them at the end of the week knowing that he is headed back to a completely different world. It almost makes me wonder, how could you just go back to living your life the same any more?

I guess tonight's post was filled with some pretty deep thoughts. Just wanted to give everyone a little something to chew on.

A Tiny Car With A Narrow Beam

2009-03-22T23:34:00.001-04:00

Holy smokes where has the time gone?! Middle of fall semester last post, middle of spring semester this post, next it will be what...middle-aged post?
So college, good old Grove City College. If you would have asked me this time last year if happiness could ever be attained here, if I would look back in 15 years and recall these years with a smile upon my face and a look of longing in my eyes, I might have laughed at you. Twelve months later however, I can say that just maybe that question will be answered with a bit of a smirk. It has never ceased to amaze me how much things can change in such a short amount time. How a few good times can generally (depending on the severity) cover up the bad.
The amount that I have learned this year is astounding. I feel like a completely different person than I was last year. God has been good. I have finally (finally) found some people on this campus who light up my world and make Grove City a bearable, no more than bearable, place to be. In some ways they fit the Grover model and in many other ways they don't, if you haven't already figured it out, it is those anti-Grover qualities that attract me to them. I now have a group of friends who are all different and bring a multitude of personalities to the table. I-love-it.
Academics you ask? That is an entirely different can of worms. This place will be the death of me. I think that God has really taken my school work and my attitude towards academics and just shattered it on the floor. And then when I thought it could not get any worse, that I thought maybe I could start picking up the pieces, He hid them! What is the deal? The deal is that He has been teaching me that:
MY GRADES DO NOT DEFINE ME.
I am not defined my the amount of A's and B's on my report card, by whether or not I make the Dean's list, or if I beat the class average on the latest test. So what if I get a C or even a D? I say, let's stick it to the man. In high school my success in school really shaped and defined who I was at that stage in life. Right now though, I don't really know who I am or where I am headed. I feel like a car driving in the dark with broken high-beams. I know there is more out there, that I should be able to see more, but I can only see so far. I can only see what is almost directly ahead of me. So this year has been about trust. Trusting God that He is going to lead me and trusting Him enough to know that He is not leading me astray.
Well since I am just sort of rambling now I guess I will end this baby right here. Maybe tomorrow, or the next time I write, I will talk about all the blessings God has bestowed upon me these past few months. And boy are they numerous!

A Little Bit of Everything

2008-10-10T09:19:00.000-04:00

It is really hard to believe that we are already half-way through the semester. It still feels like just yesterday I was unloading bags and boxes from my car and heading down to the hole. This year is flying by at a much faster rate than last, however I can think of many reasons why last year seemed to go by at a snails pace. I don't mind the fast paced life though, actually I almost prefer it. To a point. Lately it seems that it is getting to be a little out of hand but tonight I think I will finally have a few minutes to relax. :] Unless of course I decide to go watch R-Ball with Tim and some others from the team tonight. I have been spending pretty much all of my free time, and even some time that isn't free, either on the courts or with the people from the team. Yummy.

I have been thinking a lot about possibly studying abroad for one semester next year. I am not really sure how it would work out with my major, but I really want to get out of this country sometime. And when I say get out, I do not mean Canada. I have come to the conclusion that at some point in my life, preferably while still in college, I am going to backpack Europe. I just have the urge to get out there and explore. Back to studying abroad...If I decided to do that, I think that Spain would be my location of choice. Since my great-grandfather was from Spain I have just always felt some kind of connection there. I still remember being little and listening to his stories and asking him to teach me some simple Spanish words. O the good old days.

After classes today, Julie and I are going shopping at the outlets for Jon's birthday and of course probably for ourselves. I still haven't used my 50% Gap discount for the month so I need to get on that. Then I have a tennis match at 3:30 and another at 4:10 tonight. After dinner maybe I will get some R-Ball in and then who knows what I will have going on tonight. Going to bed early and watching Grey's are certainly on the top of my list though. Tomorrow is quite an unfortunate day however since I have to be up early for Jazz Band. Then I have R-Ball until 11:00, grab a quick lunch, and head off to work until 10:30 tomorrow night. Gross. Then Sunday will be a day of studying and a the madness begins again. You just have to make it through one week at a time. Each week I hope that maybe the next will be easier but that is always wishful thinking. I was looking at my schedule for the rest of the semester the other day and I found one week in November that potentially looks like the week from hell. I have an SSFT paper due, physics homework, and tests in physics, calculus, and organic. That will be interesting to say the least. Alright, since I am in class right now and I should be working on some problem it might be a wise decision for me to end it here. I hope you all have great weekends! The End.

900 Miles Across PA

2008-10-07T19:54:00.000-04:00

If anyone has looked at my facebook picture recently you will notice that my most recent photo album shares the same title. Well for all of you stalkers who are curious let me tell you that there is truth to that statement. In only 3 days I traveled over 900 miles throughout the grand old state of Pennsylvania. Let's just say that it may come close to the best 900 miles I have ever traveled. It started with Kara, Tex, Chris and I all piled into a 1991 Ford something-or-other on our way to Allentown for the first R-Ball Tournament of the semester. A good chunk of the trip was spent with Chris teaching us how to play this word game that only Grovers would play on their weekend off campus. I am afraid to even talk about the game for fear of being judged and deemed a geek. Eventually we reached our first destination, Tim's sisters house, for the first night. That night was mainly spent playing Euchre and watching Remember the Titans. I don't even remember what time we ended up going to bed, but the morning came all too fast.

Friday came and went. And when it went I was up 2-0 after beating the pants off of some girls from who knows what college and another girl from West Point. Hoo-Rah! Friday night we arrived at Ariels house around 1:00a.m. and I did not end up going to sleep until at least 2:30 or so. Once again it was an early morning as we had to be out of the house by 6:30. Well Saturday came and went and by that point I was 2-2 after 2 crushing defeats delivered by Penn State. :[ They were good. Scary good.

Saturday night we spent at Oliver's house. That was possibly the best night of the trip. Us girls all stayed up extremely late talking about anything and everything, mainly boys of course. It was pretty much a giant sleepover and I felt 13 again. And then all too quickly Sunday was upon us! It was a long day filled with unexpected wins, broken faces, and upsetting losses delivered by none other than Penn State. The ride back to school was a long one, but fun nonetheless. I slept a lot, ate Tim's candy corn, and was appointed the team masseuse.

Anyways, enough about my quest to become a pro r-ball player. Aside from that life has been crazy. I can't remember the last time I got a sufficient amount of sleep. The stress has been crazy and I haven't really been able to focus too well since there are too many things on my mind. I know that everything will be okay eventually and that the decisions I have made the past week have been the right ones. The Lord is so faithful!

My relationship with the Lord is suddenly on take-off mode. I haven't felt this close to Him in a long time. I feel like so much has just kind of fallen apart around me that I don't have much left to cling to. The past few years I just have not felt God's presence no matter how hard I tried. But now, for some reason I just know He is with me and He is surrounding me with His love. More than ever I am just thirsty for His Word and just enjoying worshiping him with every one of my actions. I am beginning to see evidence of His blessings and faithfulness everywhere that I look and I just can't help but smile. :]

As a result of all of these happenings, Grove City suddenly does not seem like such a bad place. I am actually happy here! Amen! Maybe this is the school that I am supposed to be at, and who knows...Maybe college will become the best years of my life. I don't know, but I am willing to find out. I really just can't even express how exciting I am to see what the Lord has in store for me down the road. Whatever it may be, I am ready and willing.

The Wobbly Wheel on a Pentacycle

2008-09-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

It is ironic that there are not even devices called pentacycles, because that is how I feel right now. Kind of non-existent. Kind of. And if there were pentacycles I am the wobbly fifth wheel...The one that needed to be thrown on or else it wouldn't be a pentacycle but the designer did not really have a use for it. I am trying to make sense of everything that has happened to me over the past year, this whole college experience. I have said over and over again that I can not see this as being "the best years of my life." And I have been trying. I really have.

This school is one of the toughest to be at because they endorse dating and relationships so much. When you are dating someone outside of the Grove City bubble things can be extremely challenging. I am craving relationships right now, with girlfirends that is. I feel so alone here. Living in the mole hole was a bad idea. All the girls from my hall last year are in MEP which would be the place to begin building relationships. Since I am not living there it makes things a bit more difficult.

I joined the racquetball club this week and there a bunch of girls there that maybe I can get to know. Hopefully. It is hard because I feel like despite any of the activites I get involved in, all the girls have their own groups of friends already. Sure they may say hello when they pass me on their way to class, but they are not about to go out of their way to invite me over for a movie or just to hang out.

Living here I just feel like an inconvience. I am the "back up plans". Maybe I am just being overly dramatic. I am just unsre how much more of watching the couple stuff go on I can take. I have only spend 4 weeks on this horrid campus! And two of those weekends I spent in the comfort of my own home.

And the schoolwork! Don't even get me started! I spend hours and hours doing work...partly because I have nothing better to do...yet I have nothing to show for it. I am not doing well in any of my classes really. At least not as well as I would like to be doing. Grove City has taken my academic career and screwed me over. Coming in as a freshman I could have been whatever I wanted, gotten in to almost any school that I wanted to and now....Now I can not even get into Geneseo! A state school! I regret coming here everyday...While there are moments that I enjoy it thinking maybe things will be okay, I don't think there is one day that I would ever say that I would do this over again. Never.

Alright. My pitty party needs to end. I will probably be drowning away my sorrows in a few episodes of Gilmore Girls. Thanking God that my life is not quite that complicated. Until next time...

Learning How To Swim

2008-09-12T09:27:00.000-04:00

Holy smokes! I did not think that it had been that long since the last time I blogged! May 29th, 2008 and it is now September 17th, 2008. I guess I can be happy that it is still 2008. Reading that last post I can help but laugh at what I talked my expectations for the summer. Working at the nursing home, playing the Sims, and just hanging out around the house were among the things that I discussed. I am beginning to learn that have too many expectations can often lead to disappointment, not that my summer was disappointing. It is just that often times when you expect that something will turn out a certain way, something completely different and unexpected will happen. This is not always disappointing, you just have to go with the flow. But where do I begin now? So much to talk about and only half of a physics class left to type my life away.

Well the summer was pretty amazing, we can start there. I did not end up working at the nursing home, instead I returned to what was familiar to me, catering to the whims and needs to hungry customers. I did not even work there that much, only when they needed me to fill in. So is terms of money making, I believe I spent more than I made.

Much of the summer was spent hanging out with Benjamin and friends. :] Ashley Farner, or should I say Moran, and I hung out quite a bit and caught up on each others lives. Much like old times, when she was just a sophomore in college and I was still in high school. It is strange to think that now I am the sophomore and she is out in the real world getting married and doing things of that nature. O time, where have you gone?!

The summer came and went in a blink of an eye and before I knew it I was packing up my things and heading off to Grove City College, the giant swimming pool of my life. Tennis camp came and went, and when I say went I mean that ship sailed without me on it. It was disappointing considering all of the time and money that went into tennis this summer. I have been thinking about it, and maybe next year I will try again. Maybe this year there was a reason I didn't make it. I am not exactly sure of that reason yet, although I have an idea. I suppose I am just supposed to get involved in other things on campus. I must say that not having tennis certainly frees up a lot of time.

I recently got a job at The Gap at the outlets! My first day is this afternoon actually so I am pretty excited. I have also been working at the bowling alley quite a bit and doing ticket sales at the football games. I am going to try and get involved in a few different things going on around campus because I really need to get out and meet new people and such. I recently talked to my Physics lab T.A. about joining racquetball club so I am going to be adding that to my list of things to do. Hopefully I will meet some decent people through that. I am also continuing my jazz band experience at Grove City College. Which reminds me...I really need to order some new reeds.

Anyways, I am really just not in the mood to blog anymore and really not in a good mood at all actually. So I am going end it here. Hopefully I will find time to write another one sometime soon, but as always...No promises.

Could It Be An Addiction?

2008-05-29T13:48:00.001-04:00

My days lately have been spent in a variety of ways. I have been working out to the maximum amount. So much so that by 9:00 each night I am ready for bed. For example, yesterday I began the day with a 3.5 mile run down to the school. I then proceeded to play about an hour of tennis before heading home around 4:00. Then again around 7:00 Ben and I went to play another hour of tennis. Thus has been my life lately.
I guess I don't like just sitting around the house all day. So I have been trying to get out as much as possible. Which has led to spending significant amounts of money in the process. Well, kind of. At least I have gotten a great paying job! I am going to be a Certified Nurses Assistant working at the nursing home. Old people...Not what I want to spend forever doing, but I'll deal. At least I'll be allowed to treat them and do stuff medically. And I getting certified so I'll be able to take that and run with it next year. I just have to put up with wiping Mr.Harold and helping Betty take a shower for the summer. For $12 an hour, I can deal.
I have been playing the Sims 2 quite a bit lately as well. It's an addicting thing, especially when you have practically all of the expansion packs. I am not going to lie though. This whole sitting at home thing is getting a little old so I think when the time comes around I will be ready to get back to school.
But now I am watching Season 1 of Gilmore Girls. Wonderful. And I have a secret source with the next 6 or so season lined up. :] So this might become my newest addiction. Who knows?

God's Little Joke

2008-05-12T12:31:00.000-04:00

Thats what this year was. Freshman year, completely not what I expected it to be. In June of last year I was extremely excited to know that Jenna Cooper and I had found each other and had formulated the plans to be roommates. Then about a month later we received an e-mail that said some girl named Rebekah Long was also going to be rooming with us, a forced triple. For all of you that don't know what that means:
Our room should be a double, but they decided to take out a single bed, throw in a bunk, add an extra dresser, desk, and closet and allow three lucky girls to call it home.
As you can imagine, it has been a crowded year. When all three of us are in the room trying to get stuff done I usually leave because I can't handle it.
Anyways, back to the story. Rebekah Long. A little disappointing at first. I spent the next month facebook stalking her and diligently reading her blog. I found out a few things that made an interesting impression:
1. She is one of 11 kids.
2. She was home schooled.
3. She wrote a post wondering why girls should ever wear pants, and it would be better if we all just wore dresses all the time.
Being the skeptic that I am, I was terrified.
So move in day for my roommates arrives. First impressions are decent I think. We all seemed to get along at first, pretty much because we had no choice. We didn't know anyone else, and all we had was each other. A few weeks go by and it didn't take Rebekah and I long to start questioning how we were going to live with this Jenna Cooper. The months passed, and everyday brought a different emotion. Sometimes we were all fine and dandy, other days we just all hated each other. I guess that happens when you live with two other people.
So, first semester came and went and now the second semester begins. Rebekah and I are getting closer and closer and Jenna just seems to do her own thing. We had some good times with that one we did. When it comes down to it I really enjoyed this year. I learned more than just Biology and Humanities, but rather many tiny life lessons. Some of them were sad, some hard, and others joyful.
I could not imagine ever having to go through this year without Rebekah. I am sure I would have survived, but I don't believe I would have learned as much as I did. We had a lot of fun laughing, crying, whispering, and talking together. Now we are ex-roommates, but next year will sill be great. I am only a hop, skip, and a step up the stairs away.
So now I am home. Sitting on my couch, rotting my brain away with a movie and playing on the computer as much as my eyes will allow. Seeing Benjamin all of the time is by far going to be the best part of being home. :] We hung out tonight and of course we will tomorrow. Tomorrow should be fun though because I got asked to come back and play t-sax with my high schools jazz ensemble for this middle school showcase thing. So Benjamin will be jammin' on trombone and me on the sax, just like the good old times.
Alright I am getting sleepy, and this post is long. Just wanted to give a recap of this year and let everyone know that I am offically home for the summer. Amen to being a sophomore.

In Need of a Good Ctrl + Alt + Delete

2008-05-04T19:59:00.000-04:00

My brain is completely on overdrive. It's much like my my pigs brains after trying to remove it from the skull. Mush. I am sitting here in the library staring at the 600 pages of Molecular Biology in front of me, all of which need to be studied for the test tomorrow. Eff that. I just completely went into overdrive mode, because my brain was trying to take on too much at one time. I was trying to unplug John's computer, plug in my charger, and plug in my phone, all while being chirped at by Julie to inseret her jelly green ear bud into the side of my face. My brain gave out for a slight moment while I tried thinking about everything going on. Where were a few moments there where I just rocked back and forth because I didn't know where to go, too many programs were running at once.

Thats how I feel here quite often. Anyways, this might be the last blog for a little while. I mean maybe not, but there are no promises. At least for the next week, because finals are going to be kicking my butt.

So this weekend. Boring as all hell let me tell you. I am still not sure that I am making the right decision by staying here, but we'll see. If things don't get better after next semester I might have to peace out. Hanging out with Julie is fun and all, but aside from her I really have no one. So the weekend was spent alone, because she has John. That is totally understandable though. If I had a boyfriend I would be hanging out with him as well. It's just hard because I feel like no matter how hard I try people are still being idiots about Julie and I roomming together next year. So this weekend was hard. Friday night, Becca saved me and invited me to go to Lisa and Gretchen's room to watch Enchanted. That was fun. But last night I was just really upset and went to bed at 10:00 because I had nothing better to do. Lame. I know.

For the rest of the week I will be spending some quality time with the library. The days will be wasted away, filled with biology, chemistry, humanities, and education. Well, kind of. Julie and decided that the next few days before the final fun actually begins we are going to rot our brains slightly. This will be done with mass amount of movies as well as popcorn and some not-so-good for you food. This fun starts tonight, despite the tests tomorrow. Not even Dr. Sodegren and his 8 chapters of Biology can stop us on our final nights of freshman year.

I suppose I should be going now though. Movie fun begins in 1.5 hours! Good luck with finals everyone!

Circles So Large My Face Might Turn Black

2008-05-01T19:44:00.000-04:00

This is it, the final 100 in the 3,000 meter haul. You have steadily pushed yourself along for the first 2800m, and now it is time to give all that you have left in hopes of pushing ahead that extra two seconds. In the midst of the race you had those little bursts of energy as someone tried to pass you, but those were only midterms. But this, this is it. All or nothing baby! I can't help but think about the lack of sleep that lies ahead. And it all starts tonight. With less than eight days until my first final, it is time to kick it in. I took the time last night to finish reading my Nicholas Sparks book and watch last weeks Grey's episode. That was my last night of true relaxation for the next eleven days. Honestly I don't even know what I am doing blogging right now when I have so much to do.

My life for the next week and a half will consist of ( appearing in order of time spent) studying, eating, working out, sleeping. I am doing all of this in hopes of a decent GPA this semester (of course). After these next few days though I will be home free! I will be busting out of this place and never looking back. Happy that I have a summer to get away from the people. I have decided that if things do not get better after the first month or so I am just going to go to UB.

What else is there to talk about? Life has been dull lately. No romantic scandals, not much friend drama (aside from the fact that I have pretty much no friends here anyways), and nothing new. Well...There is one thing but Julie and I are going to try and keep it on the D.L. until it actually happens. Then we will just shock the pants off of everyone.

This weekend is parents weekend! My daddy and sister are coming out on Saturday for my jazz band concert. If you are around you best be coming because I have this quartet solo type thing. Starts at 1:30 in Pew. Speaking of saxophone, next year, this girl is going to be auditioning for the jazz ensemble not stage band. I am going to have to work extremely hard this summer because John is really good, but from what I hear its not always about skill. When it comes to the attitude of playing and not being cocky about it, I believe I have the upper hand.

O yes, and as promised days ago: A few photos from the mural that I painted in the baby's room:

Let me know what you think kids!

Just Turn On Your Faucet

2008-04-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I have the words to exactly describe this weekend. It was many things, all good though. Where to begin? I guess Friday is a good place to start:

We left campus around 3:00 with a grumpy Dick and some awkward girl. The ride home was quiet though, because we were all tired. After arriving at home, I gave Julie a tour of my house and then we went out for her first fish fry down at Olympia. I believe that she thoroughly enjoyed that fishy. After that we went to the baseball game down at the high school where they were losing 10 - 0. O yes. Good ol' G-Town sports...How I missed them. Then the good part: Midnight bowling! Julie got to experience a little piece of the bowling craze in WNY. She did well too, and was impressed by Ben's mad skills. Emma also came with us which was nice because I had not seen her since all this shit hit the fan. We then took Julie to Timmy Ho's for the first time where we got doughnuts and caffeine. Her first time and she wins a coffee on roll up the rim. Not a boat like she was hoping for, but a winner all the same. Beginners luck.

Next came Saturday:

We slept as long as we could before being awakened because we needed to go to Wal Mart. I think we made more trips to Wal Mart this weekend than I ever have made in such a short amount of time. After all of this, we went to Ashley's to finish painting some grass on the mural and finally to the baby shower. It was a good time. Surrounding myself with all this baby makes me want one desperately. I clearly know I am not ready for that yet, because we all know what needs to happen for a baby to enter into my care. I have been thinking about the parenting idea. It seems almost scary that anyone can just get pregnant and then have this little life suddenly in their possession. That is such a big responsibility, and anyone can take it on. It's almost not fair to that child. Most people that get pregnant outside of marriage are in no ways qualified to take care of a life outside of their own. Parenting is a greater responsibility than many things in life, like driving, college, or working, because its not just our own life you are worrying about. At least when you go to college or get your licence there is something that you have to do to make sure that you are qualified. Parenting, heck you could be living on the streets, get pregnant, and 9 months later BAM you have a child! Scary.

Well that was a really random tangent. Anyways, after the baby shower we went to my dad's for a BBQ rib dinner and some good times. Then, the highlight of our weekend Niagara Falls! It was so cute watching Julie get all excited to watch some water flow over a cliff. She was like a little kid on Christmas! We then drove back to my house to watch Sweeny Todd with Benjamin. I'm sure it was a good movie, but I spent two hours falling asleep in Benjamin's arms. It was cute. :] Can't say there are many things better than that.

Last but not least came Sunday:

First things first, church. Hm. That was an interesting series of events. It was good, but I was a little scared since my mother spent 20 minutes after church talking to someones parents in the church office. I guess they were just curious as to what happened since I never picked him up from the airport last weekend. At least that is all I could get out of my mother. I already have one set of parent's hating me, the last thing I need is another one, especially not this one. The rest of Sunday was spent hanging out at my house until Dick finally called giving us the time and location for pick-up. It was a boring ride home, and Dick was still acting sour. :[

Now it's back to school for the next two weeks and if there has ever been a time to it the books, this is it. I am planning on living in the library for the next 14 nights, drinking large amounts of coffee, and studying hard. I am beginning to regret some of my decisions not to apply myself as much as a I could be (as I sit in class and write this post), but I really think I am going to start trying. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I hate being in my room. The weather here is also going to be extremely conducive to studying since the 10-day forecast calls for rain almost every day. This is going to be a very demanding time, and I am looking forward to going home for the summer and sleeping for hours and hours.

Well this post has gotten long enough and I should probably start paying attention now. Enjoy your weeks!

1,000 Feet Beet Below the Surface

2008-04-24T22:40:00.000-04:00

No, you are not mistaken. The wonderful Julie Lane and I will be living underground next year. What about the rumors you ask? That it is in those rooms that girls have committed suicide. Well I believe that only adds to the suspense. Together we will read books such as The Guardian and watch movies like Sweeney Todd. Sure we may be scared out of our pants, but at least we will still have each other. Lately I have come to realize that we are extremely similar in many ways. For example, all we have is each other and a boy. Those relationships and a future OBGYN practice are about all we have going for ourselves at the moment. I kid you not.

Can we just talk about how stressful this past week was?! Not necessarily stressful with work, but with room draw and scheduling classes. Classes, o boy. We spent two hours in the computer lab with about 50 other students trying to log onto the network. It was a hellish nightmare. We were able to successfully get all of our classes though, even if they weren't at the preferred times. After scheduling we walked our way down to Sun Gins. O Victor...

He made us drink his iced green tea, because he claimed it would help us "pass our dinner" if you know what I mean. It was delicious I must say, and rather addicting. Maybe it was packed with some of that opium that the Chinese are oh so famous for.

We called by baby brother on the way back from Sun Gins, because today is his 3rd birthday. Oh he is just the cutest thing! I got on the phone and wished him happy birthday, but that was not enough. He procedded to say, "I thought you were going to sing to me?!" So of course all three of us sang, not very well I must confess.

I wish I could write more, but I am out of things to talk about. That and I really must stop wasting precious time in the library on this post and start working on a Biology lab report. Hope tomorrow proves to be a happy friday!

I Can See A Speck

2008-04-22T14:09:00.000-04:00

Slowly, day by day, the light at the end of the tunnel is widening. For the first time I am beginning to see that the end is near. Finally! What made be see all of this you ask? Today marked the end of Chemistry lab and the end of saxophone lessons. While I still have one last lab report and have to appear next week for checkout, all the work is essentially done. Saxophone lessons are offically over. No more practicing, not that I did much anyways, and no more stressing out because I didn't practice. Biology lab is also finished, for the most part. It just doesn't feel like it yet because I still have two lab reports to finish. Another big indication of the end is everything that is going on this week in terms of preparation for next year. Room draw is tonight, and class regisration is on Thursday.

I could not be more excited for this year to be over and a new one to begin. Most importantly, I need to get out of this room. I am going to run out the door, arms wide open, accepting summer like a long lost friend, and never once will I look back. You couldn't pay me enough to repeat this year. All I pray is that next year will be much better. I think it should be...Next year everyone will have paired off with a person much like themselves. This year is just tough because you are surrounded by people you might not usually talk to. And this being Grove City...Well lets just say that those people are numerous.

So thanks to Julie I have discovered some really great music lately. Owl City, listen to them...I highly recommend it. I have found that music has that ability to just kind of take me away from everything going on around me. I relieves a lot of stress. In this room however, I am not allowed to really listen to music. I feel as though it is frowned upon because I get asked to turn off everytime I have it on.

The Fiver Letter D-Word

2008-04-21T12:25:00.000-04:00

You know there is a problem when the first word said to you after reentering the Grove City College campus is "drama." No joke. As I walked up the four flights of stairs required to reach the second floor and turned the corner onto the hallway, my roommate stood there on the phone, looked at me, rolled her eyes and proclaimed that five letter d-word. I thought that maybe leaving for the weekend, all of the problems here would magically disappear. Needless to say, I thought wrong. Granted her drama is much different from anything going on within these campus limits, but it still makes this room a stressful place to be. Like I said in a previous post, you never know what's going to happen when you crack open the door of room 268.

Sometimes I wonder who lived in this room before us. What went on? Did everyone get along or was this room always so tense? I have decided that this room does not fit my personality at all. While I want to get out, party a little, act a little crazy, this room just screams at me to settle down, close the door, and act conservatively. Disgusting. Next year though..O baby you better watch out. My room is going to be filled with gangsta rap, dance parties, and pure fun. College is supposed to be fun, not a time to settle down.

My days of skanking it up are indeed over. That was short lived, but fun for the 4 days that it lasted. I can still have fun. I don't really need to be a skank to have fun. Besides, the guys here don't even understand the concept of being remotely skanky. I quickly learned that these guys don't want to get close to you at all unless there is a chance you could marry them. They won't even dance really. At the dance marathon, I mainly danced with Sadie and Julie because the guys felt the need to stand in a circle next to us and do their own thing. That's fine with me now, I've already found what I am looking for.

I should probably tell you all about this weekend. Most of my time was spent painting a mural or with Benjamin. It was a good weekend. The mural came out pretty well I think, at least it did for my first real mural. I am going to ask Ashley to take some pictures and then I'll post them up on here eventually. Then of course, Ben and I hung out the whole weekend. We stayed at my house the whole time, because I am scared of his. I am going to stay away as long as possible and let him fix things there. We are back together I suppose, but some people aren't going to find that out for a little while.

Alright, I do have some work that I need to get done here before Biology lab. Hopefully everyone had good weekends! <3

Kissing Under an Audience of Stars

2008-04-19T10:52:00.000-04:00

It was amazing. Absolutely amazing. How I ever let him go to begin with I just have no idea. To be completely honest, I think it needed to happen. I am certainly more in love with him now, because I never realized what I had. I never realized that most other guys are not like Ben, that he is one in a million, and he chose me. This love is so much different than anything else. It's not even that mushy, I like you when the moment strikes kind of love. That's what it might have been before. It's hard to describe. Instead of that young naive love, its more of a...I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay with you no matter how hard. I want to be with you and only you forever, and I want to be there for everything that you go through.

Last night was really amazing. Everytime I looked at Ben I just could not help but smile. Probably the greatest thing about sitting back and watching him, is watching him play with John. It just might be the cutest thing I have ever seen. They were dancing together last night, and watching them 'shake it', was one of the greatest things I had seen in a while. He is going to make an amazing dad someday that is for sure.

Anyways, for those of you who are not feeling in such a way I will move onto a different topic, because you probably think I am crazy.

It is a great feeling to be home. Unfortunately I can't really go running since all of my sports bras have been left at school. I am itching to run too, but I really just can't do it. O well, I am going to do an ab workout and go for a long walk later. At least I will be doing something that way. Later, I am heading back over to Ashley's house to work on the mural in the baby's room. We got more done yesterday than I was expecting. I sketched everything out and then I got the tree trunk mostly finished along with some base coats on the dog house and the dog. I am really excited about the finished product, and I will be sure to put some picture up on here when it is all finished.

It is funny to come home after being gone for a little while. At least here, there have been a lot of minor changes around the house. It's nice though. My car is in the driveway and being worked on right this moment. I am extremely anxious to learn how to drive it since it is a standard. It might be a little rocky to start out with.

Well, I suppose I should probably get moving. I need to do some abs, shower, and go for a walk with Benjamin. Then the painting begins! Hopefully tonight after it is all finished I will be able to come home and relax. I hope everyone has an enjoyable Saturday. And for all you Grovers, enjoy the Gala!

Singeing My Fingertips

2008-04-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am currently outside roasting like a rotisserie chicken on a stick. My fingertips are burning as I pound away at these jet black computer keys in an attempt to update the world on my life. This weather is beautiful! And while I came out here with the intention of studying for a Chemistry exam, I was overwhelmed with the need to broadcast this beauty to the world. For all of you not yet in college...I would only recommend studying outside if you have a minimal amount of work. For example, if you have a big test the next day: Don't Go Outside! Maybe I should take my own advice. Anyways, I can't stop smiling as I look around me to see dozens of other skanks laying here trying to get a tan. Notice I did say "other skanks." I've got the skanky shorts on, tank top, hair blowing in the wind. As the great Julie Lane would say, "The only way this could be any better is if I had some sand, water, and a pina colada."

Things are looking up from this side of the fence. They are slightly rocky of course, but nothing that a summer can not heal. You know, I enjoy writing so much maybe I am in the wrong major. Put the prospect of someday delivering babies really appeals to me, and I just don't think I can let that go. At least not for some crappy desk job writing up obituaries or wedding announcements. Yum.

While this blog started out happy and cheery, and it still kind of is for me, for other people things have taken an unexpected change. This week has taught me that you never really know when you will hit rock bottom. You may think you are there, that the only way to go is up, but further trials may come your way. There are however, two things that you can always be sure of
1. God will never test you with more than you can handle. If everything seems to be going wrong, know that you can and will pull through.
2. There will always, and I mean always, be someone who has it worse than you. You think you are struggling, I think the once stable, now widowed, homeless mother would love to be in your position. Just remember, it could always be worse.

There is warriors tonight, and that is reason for great rejoicing. It is so powerful, and every week I leave there completely rejuvenated. Nothing can beat worship in a dark room, music blasting, and hands raised. Can I get an Amen?

Tomorrow I go home! In many ways I am very excited about it, but I am also starting to really enjoy myself here. Next year when we all have cars it will be rather enjoyable. Alright, the creative juices are starting to run out, and all I want to do is lay down and bake for the next half hour. So that is precisely what I am going to do. Until we meet again...

Manure and Freshly Mowed Grass

2008-04-16T11:03:00.000-04:00

Ahh yes...The smells of campus on a spring day. I have come to really appreciate them, yes even the maure. It reminds me of the hot summer days in middle school and high school that my mom would send me outside to spread mulch on the garden. Every year, without fail, I get sucked into performing such mundane tasks. I would always complain, but really the whole feeling of it all is quite exhilierating. Maybe I just think that now because I am missing summer. I can't wait to spend my days laying outside on the tampoline, reading novels, playing tennis, and not having a care in the world. Thats what its all about right there.

Mostly I just need to get away from here. I feel like I am trapped in a soap opera that moves slowly and never ends. Next year will be better because it will be more of a fresh start and maybe everyone will be freinds again. I have realized more than ever lately...The whole chicks before dicks rule..Clearly doesn't apply here. Drives me crazy! People are talking behind each others backs and betraying each other left and right. O well..I'm just watching from the sidelines.

Things at home are going to be stressful too because of everything with Ben that has gone down this past week. I just don't think its going to be as bad as here though. I can handel that. We are hopefully going midnight bowling and playing tennis while I am home. If worse comes to worse we'll just chill...

These next few days I really need to buckle down and get some serios studying and work done. I feel like I am not always applying myself as much as I should be. :-\ So yes...That will be my goal for the next 4 weeks. Because...That is all that is left here! Woot! Next year will be so much better. My roommate situation will be so amazing and I won't be in a freaking forced triple. Gross. That should not even be allowed. When all three of us are in the room it is way too crowded. Anyways scince I am sitting here in Chem at the moment I should probably get going. Happy Hump Day!

Sick and Tired...Literally

2008-04-15T12:58:00.000-04:00

To top of the last week...I am now sick. Things start slightly looking up and then, bam, I have a cold, sore throat, and a fever. O well, I'll get over it eventually. I am skipping my saxophone lesson, because the last thing I want to do is blow into that thing. Yum. I do have band later though. Eh. Anyways, emotionally things have been looking up for the most part. At least they have on my side of things. There is still school drama I suppose. I am not sure...People are just causing drama for no apparent reason. But really..Whatev. They can all get over themselves already. We are in freaking college here folks..Not 7th grade.

I am really excited to go home this next weekend! Finally! It is going to be a much needed break. Ben and I will be hanging out of course. That should be interesting. We'll see how that goes. I also think I am going to be painting a mural in Ashley's nursery! Hopefully that works out okay since I have really painted since last year. O how I miss it! I was looking at taking drawing and painting here, but I was looking at the class online and it is already freaking full! They only let 5 people take it! 5! Thats absurd!

Lets see what else is going on? I did figure out my schedule for next year. I am not taking any Biology classes next semester even though I am a Biology major. Haha. I have to take Physics and O-Chem for my science classes. Should be a good time. I also believe that I am going to try and minor in Chem since I will really only need to take like 2 extra classes. Yesterday, Julie and I decided on our new carrer paths. The plan is to become OBGYN's and open our own practice. To be very honest, I think that being a gyno would be a good time. Someone has to do it. Haha. I have pretty much given up on the whole teaching thing since I really don't think I would be comfortable standing in front of an entire classroom of kids all the time. I couldn't handel it. This summer I am really hoping to get a job down at the doctors office! It would be a really great job just to get some experience in, and of course I will need the money now that I have a car to pay for.

Well...This didn't seem like a very productive or powerful post. But I don't have much more to write so I should probably get going and take a nap before running and band. Hope everyone is having productive weeks!

All Problems Involve A Penis

2008-04-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

I stonglybelieve that in all ways a penis in involved at the heart of all of a girls problems. It's just really annoying sometimes. At the same time though...It is the guys that tend the keep the girls sane. We might have all killed each other by now if we didn't have those guys friends to sit, listen, and talk us out of doing anything too rash. But then again...If there were no guys..What would girls fight about? Think about it.

This is college people. Get over yourselves already. I'm sick of this. I just wish everyone could be happy and get along, but some people...Ew. They just think they are at the center of the freaking world. Gag me. I have tried to stay out of the drama. Personally I haven't really gotten involved. I just sit on the sidelines taking it all in, observing, and forming my own opinions and conclusions. If some people could just get over themselves already! Maybe I just can't stand overly social people...That might be the case. Instead of sitting back and listening to other people for once they are constantly in the spotlight, worrying only about themselves. It makes me sick. Those are the relationships I tend to abandon as soon as possible.

So not only is there problems on the homefront, things here at school are taking some unexpected twists. I just want to go home now. Away from all of this drama and these stuck up Grover people. Right at this moment the only thing I want to do is go for a long run. Running is the one thing I can do to clear my mind. Breathing heavy, nothing ahead but the road, seat pouring down my back, heart racing, and all of my problems can just flow right down through my feet and onto the pavement. And thats where it stays. My track coach used to tell me to leave everything on the track. It doesn't matter what you are facing at school, at home, at church...Leave it all on the track and never look back.

Blogging has been another escape lately. At least here I know some of my thoughts are being heard. People listen here, even if they don't agree with anything I am saying. If something is wrong I'll just blog about it. I know coming back to these blogs in a few years I won't be able to do anything but laugh about them. I mean lets think about this...In about 5 years, I will have so much more figured out. Hopefully I'll be engaged and I'll have a chosen career path. I think adults that have already been through all of this sometimes forget what it was like to be at this stage in life. Sure once you get married and have a job things aren't going to be easy...But that is just the drama of it all. The drama never ends. Right here, right now we have not only the drama but the confusion of not knowing where we are going to be in 5 years on top of it all. How am I supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life?! I am 18! I'm sorry...But Gowanda didn't really have a wide array of class options to guide me down the correct career path. Maybe I want to be a doctor, maybe a physcologist, a teacher, heck...maybe a stripper.

Alright, well since I have wasted pretty much the entire Chemistry class writing about the story of my life..I must be going. There is just so much to write about and so many areas of life to explore. I could probably write 10 times a day and still have things to say. Intense.

A Tiny Island Where Everything is Better

2008-04-14T00:36:00.000-04:00

I wish...I wish there was a tiny island where everything is better. If only. How do I prove myself to someone after messing up so badly? How could I let this happen? How could could I convince myself that love like I had wasn't worth it anymore? Now I see, now my eyes have been opened. Now. After all of this. Now that I have completely torn everything down, I want to start rebuilding. I would completely understand though if that is not what he wanted. He deserves so much better than me, yet he is willing to give me another chance. I want to take that chance and run with it, yet I am hesitant because I do not want to break his heart again. Not to mention I have everyone on his side rooting against me. Or so it seems.

It kind of sucks being the bad person in all of this. I wish people would listen. Would understand where I am coming from. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say that for people to understand? Nothing happened. I did nothing. I felt confined so I quit because it got hard. But I learned something from that. People who have loved like this should understand what I am saying and where I am coming from. Love is hard. You make mistakes, but most importantly you do learn from those mistakes.

I guess it will take some serious work to prove my devotion to this. Well, I'm willing to work for it. I'll do whatever it takes as long as everything will be okay in the end. It's not even about me. If he is happier without me then so be it, but if he feels anything like I feel...Like I know he does...Then life just wouldn't be the same without each other in it. Even after breaking up we both knew we hadn't reached the end. Thats how it is...

Or like he literally just said...We are like the sting in hercules. They try to break us and we only get stronger. I'm not giving up. I'll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me.

I said that not getting into Geneseo was a sign from the Lord, but maybe it was a different sign. Through all of this...I've learned that I am supposed to stay here. I might even like it here. Despite all of the drama and wierd people...There are things that I do love about it. Like dance parties, vending machines, warriors (prob. my favorite), my computer, watching movies all weekend rather than partying, random trips to McDonalds, and the list goes on and on...The randomness of college is really amazing. When I look back on this year it may not be my favorite, but I think it will be the year I learned the most. I have learned so much about other people its really intense.

The Lord has been so good to me. So good. He knows life is hard, but will never give us anything we can't handel. One thing I have learned...I can't be someones everything. This might not make sense, but let me elaborate. I'm not strong enough or anything enough to be there for someone all of the time. I can't do that. I shouldn't be someones life support because that is too hard. Sure I can listen and I can be strong, but I don't want to be the complete reason for someones happiness of misfortune. Ben figured this out, because even when things were tough..Which they still are...He didn't completely act like the world was crumbling even if he felt like it was. He trusted that what was happening had a reason, that God knew what he was doing. Even if I never talked to him again I think he would have stayed strong and been okay. I think. Hah. Some people don't understand that..I just can't be your everything its too hard. Jesus should be. Jesus wants to be. He wants to carry all of our burdens. We don't have too! How amazing is that?! It just blows my mind.

I am so in love! So in love with an amazing creator who knows what he is doing. Oh he really does. Becca and I took a trip down to the vending machines this evening after everything seemed to be falling apart. We are girls and of course we wanted dark chocolate. Becca places all 85 cents into the mouth of the vending machine, presses the buttons, and out comes 2 (yes TWO!) dove dark chocolate little piece of heaven. I'm not even kidding. It was just like wow...He does love us. Just a little reminder from him when everything seems to be falling down.

Alright well since this post is pretty much longer than anything I have ever written I should probably end it here. I hope this clears some things up for some people. Especially now that I know that people on both sides actually read this thing. Hah. I could change the world! Kidding.

One more thing...I have decided that I am going to write a book about this past week or so. I will go something like this:
Girl has everything.
Girl finds something new and interesting.
Girl lets go of amazing guy.
Crazy crazy crap happens (this is the climax..and i can't ruin it yet).
Girl realizes she has made a huge mistake.
Everyone back home hates girl.
Girl works harder than anything she has ever worked for before.
Happy Ending?

Maybe it will become a movie. Take that story with you to L.A.

For real. I am done now. Goodnight and Happy Monday.

2008-04-13T12:00:00.001-04:00

I am so exhaused. I am tired in more than one sene of the word; physically, emotionally, and mentally. So many things have happened this week its almost surreal. Physically I am tired because it is impossible to get any sleep in this room. I've been going to bed late because I have had a lot on my mind and then getting woken up around 6:45 or 7. Depending. Its not that I want to get up...Lets just say that I am really excited that in 4 weeks I will never have to call room 268 mine ever again. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason I really ever wanted to transfer was because of my living situations here. Thats okay though because from now on I can control it. Amen.

Yesterday was one of the scariest and most intense days I have had in a long time. Well, maybe
not yesterday but last night. Where do I even begin? Let me start of my saying that some guys are just scary. Really truly scary. I can't believe that I let myself fall for all of his sweet talking and whatever it was only to find out that I was just going to be used and thrown out like every other girl before me. Who was I to think that I am any different from anyone else? It's a vicious cycle, let me tell you.

I guess I've made some pretty stupid decisions. Breaking up with Ben for one. I had the sweetest guy there for me, and he's still there for me, and I did such a horrible thing. Ahh...And to think that he's still waiting on me to come around. It's a beautiful beautiful thing. That my friends...Is love. I am scared about getting back together, because who knows what the future brings. It's scary. Anything could happen. But at the same time I trut that everything will be okay in the end. It is really nice that I do have Julie an Sadie to talk to about all of this. Its especially nice that Julie is going through much of the same situation. I don't know what I would do without them, because most people here just wouldn't understand. Most people are too "good" to do ever live a little bit and explore something beyond their comfort zone. Well, I certainly did and learned a lot from it.

Anyways, I must get going and start getting ready for my day. I have so much to do today thanks to a long weekend of slacking off. It's okay though...I enjoyed almost every minute of it.

A Tangled Web I Weave

2008-04-12T19:17:00.000-04:00

So the past week has been pretty great. Filled with its ups and downs of course, but good for the most part. First of all I must say that I have some of the greatest friends that have been here for me. Julie, Sadie, and I have been hanging out a lot and just being completely crazy. We danced last night away at the marathon. Amazing. Can I just say if I could do that all day, everyday, I freaking would. I was never a big dancer. But lately, for some reason, I've just felt so free. I don't care what people think anymore. I just want to open and be me. It's amazing. I think its the whole being single thing. Not that I have done anything questionable, but its the fact that I can if I want to.

Maybe I'll be regretting breaking up with Ben eventually. I don't know. I can't really tell yet. Sure its hard at times, but I mean...It's supposed to be. I feel like I made the right decision, despite the hard times...Life certainly is not easy. Aside from the breakup, I now feel like I am setting myself up for another heartbreak. Maybe not. Maybe I am wrong. I just have this feeling. Thats not what I want to happen, obviously. It all just seems a little sketch. There is so much I just want to say here! But I can't...Because I don't know who the hell reads this.

So today was amazing. Woke up and went for a nice long run...Probably about 9 miles or so. I was tired though because I made the mistake of taking yesterday off. Bad plan. But I made it through. Let's see..Then this afternoon Sadie, Julie, John, and I went shopping and out to pizza hut. It was amazing. I am really excited to be rooming with them next year. We decided its just going to be a 24/7 dance party.

Alright I need to get a move on and finish cleaning here and then start some serious work. I have done nothing so far this weekend. Ew...I just have a really bad feeling about stuff right now and I don't like it. I just wish someone would tell me that it is all going to be okay and that I am doing the right thing, but no one does. Hmm.

Suffering Only Makes Us Stronger

2008-04-09T15:08:00.000-04:00

So these past few weeks have been extremely intense. Filled with ups and downs, disappointments and some happiness. First of all, can we please just disregard the last post? Yes, I was hating this place...Lets be honest. I wasn't really talking to or hanging out with anyone and I can't stand living in this room. Things have gotten much better here though. I still hate living in this room, but I started to see that next year things are going to be much different and a lot more fun. I've got super fun roommates lined up for next year!

Yes, I am staying here. I am about 90% sure of that. I got rejected from Geneseo today. It's okay. A few days ago that would have been the most devestating news ever, but today I feel confident that they made the right decision in not accepting me. I let go of one of the greatest people in my life on Monday. It was extremely hard to do, but I really believe that it was the right decision, at least for now. I mean who knows what God has planned!

People probably think I am crazy for letting go of such a great guy, and maybe I am. But I felt confined and I just want to see what else is out there. I felt like I was starting to make decisions not based on what was best for me, but on what would suit or relationship better. That's just a bad plan. I am actually happy that I am staying here next year, because there are a lot of people that I would have missed a lot.

Lately, this room here has been pretty intense. It's like walking on egg shells because you never know which one of us is going to be crying. Well, Jenna doesn't cry...But Becca and I. Someone is always crying. Haha. O well...I believe things are only going to keep getting better from here. I still can't believe that Geneseo rejected me. That just hurts a little, but maybe the temptation of getting in would have been too strong and that would have driven me there. I'm going to be okay though...Better than okay..I'll be amazing. Our sufferings only make us stronger..That is for sure the truth!

On a happier note I have been a running fiend lately. It's just so comforting. When I run I don't have to worry about school or relationships or anything stressful. I can just run and run and run listening to nothing but my own breating and blood pounding in my ears. It's just a great feeling. Some other good things have also been happening. :-) So I know and trust that everything will be just great! Anyways, it is probably time that I get going because I need a shower since I just got done running. Then its off to jazz band, and finally some seriously hanging out and watching hockey. God Bless!

2008-02-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

I have found that the only time I really write on here is when I am truly hating this place. Seriously...I could not wish for next year to come fast enough! I've decided to give this place one more try I think. At least one more semester when I am not confined to this messed up dorm room. I walk by other peoples rooms and they look like they actually have a good time. Not here...Our door is usually shut because one of us never stops studying. Our room is always pretty emotional because someone never stops thinking that everything is about her. One of us feels the need to pointedly put in ear plugs as an obvious sign that we are annoying her...Well here is my obvious sign.

I really can't wait to get out of here! I know I'll probably look back on this someday and think...I learned a lot that year. Yea, but learning something and enjoying yourself are two completely different things. I find it really unfair that many people get to enjoy themselves their freshmen year...College...It's so great, I would do it again! Thats what everyone says. Me...I would NEVER do this year again!

People ask me why I hate it here and one of the only things I can tell them is how much I hate my room. Hate is a strong word I know..But for this situation I don't even think it is strong enough. I feel like when I am here I have a mother who lives in the same room with me. O no its not just in the same house anymore...The same damn room! "What are you doing? What time does that start? When are you going to be back? I wouldn't do that if I was you. O I am just off to a very inspiring lecture." Just shut the hell up and leave me alone! I don't like you so don't talk to me...Hell, don't even look at me.

I feel so mean writing all of this up but it is all so true. I would like to see you try and live here. I think I would rather live with a stuck up blonde than in this room. Grove City College...They like to torture. Actually..Not true I must admit I totally brought this torture upon myself. Which is kind of ironic...I guess it just goes to show that you don't know who a person is until you live with them...

Getting Better...

2008-02-15T15:44:00.000-05:00

So this place is getting better. I have found that the only time I am really miserable is when I am in my room. It is just an extremely annoying place to be let me tell you! Anyways, I think that next year might actually better and then I might be able to enjoy this place a little more. Right now I am just surrounded by some extreme people...There is nothing I can do to change that and I am learning a lot. When I look back, I don't think I would re-do this year for any amount of anything, but I think it will be a good learning experience. Coming to this school I guess I knew there would be some interesting...things.

So I have been trying to look beyond this stupid dorm and really enjoy everything else. I have found some pretty cool people. There are normal ones out there somewhere! Come next year I think my group of friends will change immensely, but that is just fine with me. Its actually way more than fine!

This week has been a really good week. Benjamin and I had an amazing talk and our relationship keeps getting stronger every day. It's crazy and it just blows my mind! I've been trying to keep up on my devotions and all that stuff as well. It's really hard here to get caught up in everything and just forget, but I have started making a real effort. My eyes were opened this week...For the first time I guess I realized that we in no way, shape, or form deserve God's blessings but He blesses us anyways! Can you believe it?! Even at my lowest of low, He blesses ME! Why?! How love can be that strong I just don't know, but it is amazing. So no matter how many chapters of the Bible I read, no matter how much I pray, or how many good deeds I do...That doesn't make me any better than anyone else! That is beautiful! I think a lot of people, especially here, compare themselves and their faith to other people...O well...

Anyways...Time to get out of this room! I need a shower...Good reason to leave I suppose. Peace out!

Life...

2008-02-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

I offically hate this place. I went home this weekend and that was great...I love going home. Maybe I'll talk more about that when I am actually in a good mood. But then I come back here and its like a cloud descends upon me and I hate it. I have never once actually been happy to come back to this piece of crap of a school. So why am I even considering staying? The only reason I can really think of right now is that I like my computer...Haha. Pathetic I know...Not a good reason to stay.

I have so much work to do tonight and I am running on less than 3 hours of sleep...And I have been up since 7:30...Wonerful wonderful.

I don't know anymore. I don't know what it is about this place....I feel like I am surrounded by Christians who are trying to be perfect and one up each other all the time. Everyone does it! Even me...I know...Being a Christian is great. I don't know this sounds kinda wrong to say, but I am going to say it anyways cause it has been on my mind. Some people let their religion consume themselves and then I think they just become socially retarded. They don't know how to act normally in scoiety. There is nothing wrong with love Jesus and the whole sh'bang...But...I think when you do it to a point that you can't function normally in the world around you. That is a problem.

Part of being a Christian is reaching out to non-Christians...So honestly...Be normal. And people and their whole Calvinistic crap here! AH! Drives me insane! I need to get out of here...I am sick of being in this bubble surrounded by all the same people all of the time. For the most part if you go here you are either:
a. Type A Personality...Little Miss Perfect
b. Homeschooled and socially akward..
Granted there are acceptions...I do have some normal friends here. But not many...Anyways...I can't wait fow this semester to do over so I can leave and never look back!

Sorry if anyone was offended by this blog...Not like anyone actually gives a damn what I think anyways.

Ah!

2008-01-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

So it is only the second week of school and I already have so much crap that I need to do. Honestly...It just keeps piling up and I can't really take much more of this. I truly think this semester is going to suck. The one good thing is that I think I have finally found my correct major! Teaching...Hopefully...I am not sure if I am actually going to stay at this exact college though. This semester I have just been miserable lately. I have good moments and bad moments but mostly bad. Being surrounded by type A personalities all the time can drive a person insane! More times than not I am wishing to be anywhere but this place!

Okay so clearly right now is just not one of those moments where I am loving this school up. Yea...Not at all. Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by...Well I don't know if I can say it here becase who knows who actually reads this. Maybe no one...And then I can just say what I actually think about everyone and everything this school is all about.

I really am not liking my Bib. Rev. HUMA class. I thought Dr. T would be amazing but really I think he is just arrogant. I feel like he is going to take the Bible way too literally and that he is a very closed minded person. When we talk about creation I might go insane if he takes it word for word literally. There is way too much evidence supporting the Big Bang I don't care what he says. All the science professors here even know that. I know people are going to disagree but thats cool...We agree to disagree then.

I just kind of hate college. I want my real life to begin...College the best years of my life? Hell no...Not here they won't be. Maybe I should transfer...I dreamt about it last night. Maybe it's a sign! I just need to get away!

Getting Bank in the Swing

2008-01-24T21:20:00.000-05:00

So one full week here is almost complete and many things have already changed for me. Well not too many, but a few. First things first...I am not so sure I am going to go to medical school anymore. I've just been thinking and praying about it, and I don't think it's very conducive to having a family. So my alternative plan which I have already begun to pursue is teaching. Biology secondary education to be more precise. I am taking an education class this semester and so far I absolutely love it! The professor, Dr. Mackey, has a real passion for teaching and his passion seems to rub off on the students he teaches. Who knows, maybe thats just me and its a sign, but I don't know how anyone could walk out of that class not excited about teaching! Becca and I are doing a project together and we get to teach in front of the class...Needless to say I am excited about that stupid little project.

For the first time in my entire Grover career, I have no work to do! None! Sure I could start some papers and such that are due in about a month, but c'mon...No thank you. So I relax! This weekend will be amazing! Snowboarding baby! I am pretty much so excited I might pee my pants. Kidding..Totally kidding. But yes, Jenna and I are going to hit the slopes at HV and man..The powder, the wonderful powder. Okay enough about my little excursion.

What else is new with me? Let's see here...Did I mention that I pretty much love all of my classes this semester. I thought Bio would be boring but I am actually surprised at how much I am enjoying learning. It seems that I can't put my textbook down. Well not really. Anyways, I get to visit my home 2 weeks from tomorrow so that I can go to senior dinner dance with Benjamin! I can't even wait to see him! O the things love does to a person.

Today was actually not the greatest of days...I was a little cranky. Ehh, o well. Every girl has her moments thats for sure. Well I am going to clean this joint up a bit and then I am going to watch a movie or something! I love freedom!

Back to school...back to school...

2008-01-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

O the fun has started again! I have mized emotions about it. The work has already begun to pile on, but the times with friends has been great so far. Funny story about friends...Becca and I decided that we needed to go to the bank today. So we pile on our layers and layers of clothing and set out across town to our final destination. About 3/4 of a mile later we arrive on the stoop on citizens bank only to find out that..It's Martin Luther King Day! Wonderful! Of course we weren't thinking about this because today was our first day of classes. Clearly Grove City just does not respect the holiday. Instead of giving us one measley extra they hurl a further insult and begin classes on such a day. Torture.

In all seriousness this day was not much fun. My Molec. Bio class is going to kick my butt. I also had lab today which turned out to be another lecture on an entire chapter of information that lasted 1.5 hours. It is my HUMA class that I am looking forward to the most. It can be hard to consistantly read my Bible here. That is one thing that I was not expecting at all. Coming here I figured..Christian college, so my spiritual life must fluorish. Well I was slightly misled. Sure there aren't quite as many worldy distractions as there would be say at a state college, but the workload here is not very conducive to encouraging your Christian walk. This would be why I am exited about Bib. Rev. I now have an entire class that will make time for me to focus on that. Lovely!

A List

2008-01-12T00:32:00.001-05:00

Tonight I got the idea to make a list of some things I would like to accomplish in this lifetime. I need to have some goals...Life is quite the ride and no one comes out alive. So I might as well do something while I'm here::

1. Get married..This one seems obvious enough, but really I want to know that I have loved another human being to the full extent.

2. Have kids...My own kids, adopted, whatever. Just little people that will drive me absolutely insane but I can't help but love them anyways.

3. Skydiving...Anyone care to join me?

4. Install a 2-lane bowling alley in the basement of my dream home. Heck yes!

5. Live in a big city...Not forever. For a month or so on my own. I want to live like a movie. Going out partying with friends and just living life.

6. Play in an amazing jazz band...The GC jazz band would be sufficent.

7. Fill up an entire sketchbook.

8. Get out of this country and travel! Anywhere and everywhere!!

9. Run a marathon...Possibly a few, but at least one.

10. Own the entire collection of Grey's Anatomy seasons...I am well on my way to achieving this one.

11. Work on something that involves cancer...Research, treating patients, something.

12. Become a doctor...I am starting to realize that is doesn't matter what kind of doctor. MD or PhD. Physician, teacher, or great scientist....Something like that.

13. Go on a missions trip...I have never been on one before. What if I am supposed to be a missionary and just don't know it yet?

These are the big things. Sure there are many other little things that I would love to do, but if I could accomplish even 3/4 of the things on this list I would say that is a pretty full and complete life. Of course doing any of this would be a complete gift from the "big man upstairs". Life is short so lets enjoy it while we can.

2008-01-11T00:19:00.000-05:00

So maybe everything in this world isn't completely horrible. Growing up in my church I have had it ground into me that Christ's return may be at any moment. Any moment they stressed...As in this lifetime. Maybe they are right, but at the same time maybe now. For years and years now people have been predicting the end of the world and return of Christ. Every generation seems to think that the next is so horrible and corrupt, that there is nothing worse that could possibly happen, and that means Christ is coming. Don't get me wrong, He IS coming. It the whole question of WHEN that is the issue. Call me crazy but I am not a fan of people claiming that the world keeps getting worse, that there is no hope.

There is hope! I don't know why I am writing about this...It seems so obvious to me. But I think we need to take a step back and see exactly how Christ is at work in the world now. That all of our efforts for improvement are not just a waste of time. Chew on this...There are missionaries EVERYWHERE now! All over the world! 100 years ago there really were not any. I don't know but I call that a sign of improvement. Times change yes, and with that so does the church. The church adapts. Sometimes that adaptation may go a little too far, become a bit too worldly, but adaption is not always synonymous with corruption. So things change. That does not mean that our generation is awful, that we are going to lead to the destrustion of the earth. Really, truly, and honestly; there are some wonderful things that are happening.

It was an episode of Grey's Anatomy that sparked this post tonight. The episode was based on faith. Maybe not the same type of faith in Jesus Christ that you or I possess but faith none-the-less. I think scientists and athesists today are finally coming to a point where they have no choice but to submit to the fact that there is something bigger and better that created all of this! Certainly not everyone, not even close to everyone, will come to this realization but the truth is out there. The truth is out there and it is continually spreading!

It amazes me how people are so different. It takes almost no convincing for some people to come to realization that Christ is the only way, while others could look Him sqare in the face and still not call him Lord. I just couldn't fathom turning Him down after all the ways He has revealed Himself to me, but that's the thing about man I guess. We aren't all programmed to recognize him, not everyone can see the beauty in it. The world will never be perfect, it will never even come close, but it's not exactly falling apart at the seams either.

Sick as a Dog

2008-01-07T14:54:00.000-05:00

Today had been a lazy day. I woke up around 11:30, showered around 2:00, and now here I am. I like being able to sleep in and having the house to myself while everyone is either working or at school. It's a nice feeling although I feel awfully lazy. So that is one reason why I am looking forward to getting back to school.

My dog is sick. :-( I don't know what is wrong or what's going on, but I hope there is something that the vet can do. He was fine yesterday, but today he can hardly walk or move. Poor puppy. I called them today and told them whatwas wrong and now he has an appointment at 7:15 tonight. I really hope that there is something they can do for him, and that he will be okay. I am hoping that Benjamin will come with me to take Mulli to the vet, because I really don't want to go alone. My mom and Jay have Bible study tonight so I am the one who is responsible for taking him.

Other than that life is grand and I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't have much to report about here now cause life hasn't changed much from the last post.

Good Days

2008-01-03T23:07:00.000-05:00

Dear dear dear...The days keep getting better and better. I really don't think I want this break to end. I feel like I keep repeating myself on here...Hah. Whatev, it's my blog I write what I want.

Benjamin and I are doing amazing! Everyday with him is a new adventure. This weekend will be tons of fun though. Double date night tomorrow with Ash and Dan. Dinner and bowling, that is the life right there! Then Ben's birthday is Saturday...So it will be a morning at the bowling alley and then hanging out with a bunch of friends for a mini birthday bash. And finally Sunday my sister and I are taking our boyfriends snowboarding for the first time. They are going to be awful and it will be great! Love is a wonderful thing. Thank you Jesus for loving us and teaching us how to love!

I am going to school tomorrow with my momma. I am going to help her grade papers all day and we are going to order lunch and stuff. I love going to school when I don't really have to do anything. Alright I am kind of watching Grey's at the moment and its getting good...Best show ever by the way.

It's Snowing!

2008-01-02T10:50:00.000-05:00

So it is offically a new year! Lovely! I haven't made any New Years resolutions. I never really have, because I don't believe I would ever set a realistic one that I would actually keep for more than a few weeks. So I continue doing what I do. I do need to start running though. I haven't since I have been home, and I am starting to feel its effects. That is one good thing about school. I feel like I have more motivation to work out.

I only have about 2.5 weeks left of freedom. This break has flown. I want to go back, because I feel like my brain is rotting when I am not doing anything but at the same time I love being home. I love hanging out with my friends and most of all hanging out with Ben. I love that boy so much it's crazy!! :-D

My crazy grandmother has been here since I got home and she is starting to drive me up the wall. No I am not being mean at all. She really really is crazy. Even my mom and all my aunts and uncles think so. And lucky me...I get to stay home with her for hours and hours while everyone else is at school or work.

So I know all the of the books I am going to have to buy for this next semester and it really isn't too bad. I need a Bio book and workbook thingy which will set me back about 175 and then just a NIV Study Bible which I can find for under 20 online. Much better than last semester I must say. Anyways, I must be going. Maybe I will do some cleaning or something...Or lock myself in my room and watch a movie so my grandmother leaves me alone...Hmmm...

Pain

2007-12-29T19:47:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was interesting, very interesting. It made me realize how much I really hate PA. Like really. Sorry if you live there but honestly, I never could. We went on a ski trip this weekend. Traveled through rinky dink little towns and narrow roads to get to the resort. Some resort. There were a total of about 2 hills that were actually open and the place was just not good. We made the best of it though.

On Friday we spent a total of 3 hours driving around in search of the Flight 93 memorial. We never found it. We did however drive through some type of PA projects. That was probably the most entertaining thing we did the entire weekend. Gotta love the ghetto.

Today, well today was today. Today hurt. I hit a jump on my lovely snowboard, landed it, caught an edge, and the next thing I know I am lying wounded on the ice. Wonderful wonderful. I freaked out a bit cause there was blood, and eventually I made my way down the hill and to first aid. They recommended that I go to the ER, but my step dad told me its not necessary. I really hope he is right cause I haven't gone. Of course, if it was him that had gotten hurt we would have been there right away. But thats just life. I just hope my face bone is not broken. There is a picture on my facebook and I must say that it is pretty swell. Battle wounds!

Tonight was fabulous. I got to see Benjamin and we watch the Patriots win their 16th straight game! Not that I really care, but it is pretty cool I guess. Go them! Tomorrow will also be a good day, despite looks I may get from people because of my face. O well. Ben's dad made some comment about us going out now, because it is going to look like he beats me. Wonderful! Anyways, tomorrow I am going shopping with my sister and then Ben and I are going to hang out and watch Lord of the Rings. Becca will appricate that. I am being open to it, maybe I won't fall asleep this time. And then Monday!! New Years Eve!! Party at my house! I love it. Fondue party actually, so it is all the better. Yum! Anyways, this girl is tired. Sleeping with half a face should be interesting. Goodnight!

The Holiday's

2007-12-23T20:19:00.000-05:00

It is Sunday, a day of rest. I don't know how I manage to do it, but every Sunday I always seem to turn into a day of work. Today was filled with freezing. I worked a stand at the Bills' game to raise money for my high school track team. I don't mind doing it. I figure that people worked it many times for me when I wasn't old enough, and now that I am I owe them. It was fun though, and I suppose I can see it as serving people rather than really working. Even if it was serving them beer and hot dogs. The Bills also lost. Not really a big deal though since they already screwed up any chance they had at going to the playoffs last week.

So I am kind of wishing that this break was over already. Not that I don't like being home...I do. I just feel so lazy here and don't do anything! Ah! I haven't really been able to go running because it is rather icy out here. I miss the gym, and I miss being able to eat a salad with almost anything imaginable on it. O well I best just enjoy it because I know as soon as school starts up again I'll be wishing that I was home.

Actually home is good. I was just sitting here on the couch and baby brother just informed us that he peed in his diaper this evening while sitting on Santa's lap. Lovely. Haha..That poor poor Santa probably felt an unusual warmth filling his leg where John sat. Now he is running around totally naked singing "Jingle Bells." O how I love him!

Benjamin Scott is also doing well. We are exchanging Christmas presents tonight. And I am rather excited. It's nothing much, but I still love giving! It has been so great to see him though! And the fact that I still have 4 weeks with him is so grand! Anyways I believe I am putting John to bed tonight. So it is story time here.

The Home Life

2007-12-20T23:39:00.000-05:00

What can I say? I am absolutely thrilled that I am home right now. Home means time with friends, time with family, no school, snow, Christmas, and of course...Benjamin! O how I love him! Really and truly. I can't even begin to describe it. Everytime I am with him I just can't stop smiling and by the time I leave I can't feel my face. It's amazing! Enough of the sweet stuff though. I just can't help it today, because today it is 10 months. Just a little flashback...10 months ago when I agreed to start dating him I was so unsure about the whole thing. But now, I can not even imagine myself without him. He makes me a better person and he makes my world a brighter place. One of the many reasons why I love him.

Today was a beautiful day! Snowboarding galore! The slopes were gorgeous and the weather was beautiful. Holiday Valley is just a beautiful place. There is one section where you are just completely surrounded by trees, lights, and snow. The way the snow hangs off the trees is just absolutely stunning. I just stand there and think, praise the Lord! It is just good and peaceful. Today was just great because for some reason I had no fear. I was flying down the slopes and jumping like crazy! Any jump I could hit...It was mine! Ah...Thats the life!

What else can I say for now? At the moment, I could not think of anything else that would make me a happier person. Well, except maybe a 4.0. Hah! When grades do come out, that may be a bit disappointing. O well though...I worked hard this semester and I know what needs to be done in order to imporve. If I get a 3.0 I will be one happy happy person! For now I must be going though. I am going to pop in a movie and then continue working on some top secret things!

College Life and Finals Week

2007-12-16T22:23:00.000-05:00

So it is the night before my last but hardest final and ask me how hard I studied. 2 hours! That is it. Tomorrow is going to be horrible but so amazing at the same time. I am not prepared at all for Biology, but honestly at this point I don't even care. Tonight was probably one of the funnest nights that I have had here so far. It was a day filled with The Suite Life of Zach and Cody marathons, dance parties, chinese food, "dice games", and amazing ab workouts. All of this was done with some seriously amazing girls! This is what college is all about. We work so hard, but we certainly know how to take a break. Even if we shouldn't.

Becca and I did 200 sit ups tonight. It was hard but worth it. We are going to try and do this every night from now on. We'll see how long it lasts, usually things like this don't always last. Who knows though. Maybe this will be the one exception. O please let it be!

Home tomorrow! Home! Home! Home! 24 hours from now I will be in my own bed after just spending and amazing evening watching movies and being with Benjamin. O how I love him! He makes everything that I do here worth it. There wouldn't be much to go home for without him. However, I am also very excited to see my friends and to have an entire month to do nothing school related! An entire month! That seems almost impossible...And right now I can't even fathom it. I am even excited to go back to work. I want to serve coffee to all the regulars, and I can't wait to catch up with all the ladies. It is going to be so nice!

Well, I suppose I should study at least a little more before I go to bed. Yikes...I am really scared! Good news though...Katelyn and I are wearing our doctor gear for the test tomorrow. Scrubs, lab coat, and stethoscope! Lovely! O man...Just a side note here, I hate having a roommate who studies ALL the time. She makes me feel so bad and then she just always stresses about it. What a way to live...No thanks. I'll take my B's and have a little fun please. Okay just need to vent about that a little. Goodnight world!

A Brief Synapsis

2007-12-12T14:14:00.000-05:00

I think it's just finals week that has everyone so down. Not necessarily the weather. Although, yesterdays weather could account for some downtrodden people. Today however, it is sunny and rather nice outside. I just found out that starting Friday, the next 4 days of my life will be spent in 24 hour quiet hour. That means you have to be quiet in the hall, basically you must act like it's night time all the time. So sad.

Finals are approaching rather quickly and I can think of about 1,000 things that I would rather be doing other than studying. I think I am going to die. Or fail. Either or. I have found so far that college, at least not this one, is all that it is cracked up to be. "It will be the best years of your life!" they say. Well so far mine have been fun, there is no denying that, but I find it hard to imagine that when I come to the end of my life I will look back at this place and think..."Wow, Grove City College. I wish I could do it all over again!" To me, being surrounded by hundreds of people all as dedicated and focused as yourself is rather intimidating. All other hobbies or anything fun that you once participated in seem like a thing of the long past. The days are now spent studying, eating, sleeping, and working out. And of course, on occasion watching a movie or a little Grey's. I think Grey's just keeps me sane, and lets me see that after this life will get harder, but at least it will be a little more interesting.

Right now, I don't care about The Middle Ages. I don't care about Russel Kirk and the founding of America. I don't care about the great philosophers such as Hume, Burk, and Montesquieu who ultimately laid down this countries framwork. Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates...They were in the past. To some people, this may all seem interesing. Knowing random facts and trying to study these things that you will never actually know everything about is not really my thing. Give me a Chemistry or Biology book...And maybe I'll be a little more intrigued. Give me a book on the human body and I am hooked. Thats just me, it always has been and always will be.

Sorry this post is such a downer. I just needed to get it all out I suppose. But for now I guess it's time I go do something productive. Like play racquetball. Then I will venture out in search of a place to pour over pages and pages of notes and textbooks for the next 4 days. What about sleep, you ask? Who needs it. If I just keep looking at the light at the end of the tunnel I think I can make it through. 5 more days and I am free!

The Beginning

2007-12-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

I have been inspired. Thanks to one womderful roommate, I now have a blog. I used to just write on my myspace, but that soon died out. I think my myspace actually still says I am on vacation from last summer.

Finals are also coming soon! I am not really looking forward to them, however I will be honest in saying that this week is going to be rather relaxing, comparitively. I have no jazz band, no marching band, no meetings, just pure time. Time to study, time to be with friends before we all depart for a month, and time to relax (a little). I am saying all this now, but I bet when it comes to actual finals time I might be regretting it.

Exactly one week from now I will be home! Back to the comforts and way of life that I have grown to love even more now that I have been deprived of it. I am ecstatic! I get to see Benjamin, and my adorable little brother, and all of my other siblings. I will hopefully get to see 6 feet of snow, watch my brother kick butt in wrestling, and go to bowling matches that I miss o so much. The best part of all this...No work for an entire month. I still have not been able to comprehend that one. It seems impossible that I will have no reading to do, no lab reports to wrtie, and absolutely nothing to study for.
Life is great! Praise the Lord!

7 Days!